2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

Whitney..you still out there? I think I like to punish myself! I am losing it! We went on spring break as a family, my XH came too. It was very up and down, we spent time talking about everything..he still isn't ready to come home and won't consider dating me long-distance. We slept together a few times, the last time was incredible and unforgetable! But, then I went back home and to him it was like nothing ever happened. He refused to recognize we were together to his friends, says that he is actively dating and everyone knows everyone and it wouldn't look good for him to have gone on Spring Break with his XW!!

I was devestated that he just denied our trip and wanted to pretend it never happened, so I got very upset, we had it out, and now are basiclly not talking at all. I told him before the blow up that if by December, he had gotton his s**t together and wanted to make our family whole again, I would move back down there. Then, the blow up, and I told him that was off the table.

I have pretty much gone dark gray on him, can't go completely black due to the kids. He seems to like living his life like he is 21 again. Goes out almost every night, always on the weekends, gets drunk. One of my friends who hangs in his same group said she was out at the same bar as him on Friday night and he just sat at the table drinking, didn't try to hit on women or anything. But, I figure he is dating someone and she had her kid(s) and couldn't go out.

He is coming up here to see the kids in a few weeks and then again in a few weeks after that. I really think I have come to a place where I don't want him back anymore. He is just sooo messed up and not the person I married at all. I can't seem to get him to see what really matters in life and I just need to leave him alone completely, which I truly have never done.

If he is happy living like this then that is his deal. I cannot imagine meeting a 43 yr. old man who lives with another man, acts and drinks like he is 21, let his wife and kids move 700 miles away and didn't care, let his house go to shortsale, cheated on his wife of 18 years, etc and want to date him. But, if some desperate woman thinks she can change him and that their love is so much better and different that he won't do it to her..then she can go for it!

I just hate being divorced and being alone. Thought I found a good guy, but he turned out to be a user too. I am done looking..they say "you don't find love, love finds you". But, if I barely leave my house cause I am raising three kids alone, how is love gonna find me?

A