Thanks Sandi2, You are a God send in this forum. On yesterday my wife finally admitted after a counseling session with our pastor that she did not fully forgiving me for things in the past and said that she pacified how she felt in efforts that I would change. She also gave me pages of prayers that she had written and laminated from the past that she had never discussed with me. She internalizes her feelings and has told me that she was afraid to tell me how she truly felt. When we came home after church on we sat on the couch and I told her that I missed her and she began to tear up and shook her head saying that I do not miss her and then we were interrupted by the kids. What do you read into her reaction of tearing up and saying what she said?
BTW, I suspect your W wants you to attend Church with her and the kids so nobody will know what is really going on. It's a cover-up job.
This strikes at home for me!
My W doesn't want anyone to know what is going on in our home. Doesn't want me to talk to my friends about it - anything to keep up the facade that "all is well".
I suppose when the D is complete they WILL figure it out!
I don't doubt for a minute that she still held unforgiveness in her heart. Loads of resentment is what starts a lot of these problems. She doesn't trust you to keep your changes b/c you didn't last time. Can you blame her? Sorry,I shouldn't have given you a jab about that, but I'm trying to help you see it from her POV.
I can't fully believe she is being upfront. I still suspect there could be an EA. Don't underestimate it.
My suggestion is that you stop going to church "with" her. She needs to face people with an explanation of why you aren't with her. You can attend another church and even take your kids to visit another church, if they are willing....but I would not force it on them if they are involved where they attend now.
Stop going to family outings (like Sunday lunch) with her. She is playing the part on Sunday. She is eating her cake. It makes her look like the good mother/wife for a couple of hours a week. But, it is for show.
Do nothing to finance her new living arrangements. Remember, it was her choice. She needs to be faced with the choices she made and don't make it easy on her.
Tell her you have other plans when she assumes you will go to church with her or eat dinner with the kids, or babysit for her. You have a life that does not include her. Be mysterous so she will wonder what's going on with "you" and get her mind off of "her".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well Sandi2, As for the changes in the past, she admits that the problems that we have now are much different from the ones from the past. She ultimately feels that I have ruined her life and her life would have been much different if I had treated her better when we had our first child. Not only did she tell me that, but she also told me that I am only a small portion of the problem and that her parents treating her like a child is more of the issue. She still refuses to tell them that she has an apartment as if they will never find out. She has always resented her parents and the way they have treated her. When she found out that she was pregnant with our first child, they were more worried about there public perception than how there daughter was feeling and when we were separated the first time, they blamed her for the separation as opposed to listening to what she had to say because I was the reason behind the separation to begin with. However now we are separated again. The plan according to her is to get feelings back for me that she once had in the past. She currently has a 6 mos. lease and in my opinion she seems to be getting more comfortable in her new place even though it’s only been a week or 2. She says that she is trying to make it as comfortable as home to the kids as possible. We still continue to share the same bank accounts and credit cards. She has asked me to co-sign with her in getting her utilities in her name or she will have to pay a $300 deposit. I have told her on several occasions that it will be hard for us to finance paying for 2 location but she insist that we will be fine because she is getting a loan for school(which is ridiculous when we have a new home to furnish). I cannot for the life of me understand why she would rather be in such a small space rather than her home. According to my pastor, she says that she has peace of mind when she is in her own space. Also I previously ordered brand new bunk beds for my girls and when they arrive she wants me to put them in her apt. as opposed to putting them in the house where there is much more space. This is why I say that she is getting more comfortable living in her apt. as opposed to working on coming home. The kids are miserable staying in the apt. and she knows it. My son ask her daily when are they going home and she says that we are working on it? (What ever the hell that means)I know that there are things that I should not do for her, but I think about my 3 kids when I tell her no. Am I wrong for helping when the kids are concerned or do I need to back off?
I understand that fully. However, I also know that if I totally shut off finances that my kids will suffer in the end. I wish it were an easier way to do this. It seems as if I'm enabling the sitch! How do I do this without her trying to put me on support or even worse? As much as I count on her income she counts on mine to pay our mortgage thats in both our names.
I understand that people's lives can be greatly affected by their upbringing, but your W needs to get past that and move forward. To continue to blame her parents and to blame you for her unhappiness is saying that other people are responsible for making her happy. She is the only one who can make her happy! It is not the responsiblity for anyone else. The bible says that a man is to love & honor his wife. He is to be over his household (protect, provide, and be a leader),but it does not say that a man is to make his wife happy!
How old are you and your W and how long have you been M? What are the ages of your children?
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However, I also know that if I totally shut off finances that my kids will suffer in the end. I wish it were an easier way to do this. It seems as if I'm enabling the sitch! How do I do this without her trying to put me on support or even worse? As much as I count on her income she counts on mine to pay our mortgage thats in both our names.
Most of your problem as a man is b/c you have been taught your responsibilities as a provider/protector/head of his family. You feel responsible for the wellfare of your family and especially your kids. This will be a hard test for you.
The fact is that your W CHOSE to take your children out of the home you were over! She "chose" to begin her own home for her and the children. Therefore, in my opinion, that releases you from financial responsibilities over her. You did not force her to leave. You still maintain a home for the family, but she "chose" not to abide there. You are not obligated to finance both places.
As far as the support of the children, how will you be neglecting them financially? If they need food, they can come stay with you. If the electricity is shut off, they can stay with you. If they need clothes,you have them have clothes that stay at your house. But, you do nothing to finance her or the kids at her house. The more you enable her and the kids to stay at that apartment, the longer she will be gone from your home.
You cannot afford to make this about "male pride" b/c this is not the time for such things as that. Your family is at stake here. Your kids know they have a home (with you) and will be cared for in that home. If you enable her to maintain a wonderful little home in that apartment, what are you accomplishing? Exactly! Stop saying your kids will go without, b/c you know they are not going to "suffer" like that. However, the more you "help" her support her lifestyle there.....the more the kids will suffer in the long run.
I strongly encourage you to split your finances and banking accounts. As long as you have joint accounts, she will "force" you to be responsible for both places, the cars, etc. If she wants to live separately, then she needs to have separate checking accounts. You need to stand up to her about that and tell her that you have decided that you cannot enable her choices about breaking the family apart and you cannot financially afford both living spaces. This was "her" choice and now she needs to face the "hard part" about that choice. Stop making it easy for her to leave you.
The situation needs to be "busted". Like I told you about the church, she doesn't want people to know. She doesn't even want her parents to know? How mature is that? Why are you helping her "cover" up? Don't play her games with her. Not fair to ask the kids to lie about it, either. What is that teaching them how to deal with life? You cover up and lie to everyone?
These are hard actions to enforce, but if you don't and you sit back and "hope" she gets feelings for you again, you are taking a huge risk b/c this is the second time around aNd she has a lot of resentment built up. I think it will take a "shock" to her system to get her out of her playpen (apartment) and her fantasy of a different life. Even if there is no OM, she has a fantasy of having a single life without you. Don't tell me it is to have space and discover if she has feelings, b/c I know. She wants to experience how it would be to be single. So.....let her expeerience the full blunt of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Chiming in not as vet but as someone a little further down the road than you at the moment.
You're getting great advice here. LISTEN.
Sometimes you won't believe it or you will second guess it and you have to make your own mistakes to know the truth in it.
YOUR best thinking has brought you here. Now you are here so try to do better.
IMO your W is at least having an EA. It sounds like she also has a lot of guilt which she will go to great lengths to justify and hide her behavior.
I am saying this gently but you probably need to figure this out because there is no way you're going to make any progress(in your M) if she is engaged elsewhere.
Right now the only thing you can control is you so get busy making YOU better.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
