Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want

[june72]

Dday- for years I had no issue with my weight and appearance. He did though. I thought he was nuts. He would make nasty comments and negative critisms- it stung but a million guys were chasing me so I knew that he was the problem not me. Now why I did not leave a guy with such issues... my problem. I was totally codependent. I mean I had to know that it would only get worse. Pre-bomb- we were in marriage counseling and my big issue was me nagging him- "at least say you find me pretty" and his refusal to do so. He would state you can't force me to do anything. I would reply you are hurting my feelings so much. That with the one-sided sex....only rare times for me. I felt like I kept giving and giving, hoping for some returns....


Now present day things are drastically different and he is makeing changes. Huge changes. He knows where I stand on things. I won't take crap. Nope! But I won't be bitchy now about it either. I will handle it in a more mature way.

He is in a very bad spot though. I mean how can you repair years of saying hurtful things to your wife and the whole sex thing. I mean I didn't even get into the years he felt I was stupid and an idiot and called me such. The walking away from me, the rolling his eyes at me.
Even last week, I was getting really moody (I am super carefull to not be like this ever but was failing on this night). He stated really nastily- "do me a favor, don't talk to me the rest of the night". OK, maybe his comment wasn't a big deal but it stung.

I am not Ms. Squeaky clean, either. I was a nag, negative, totally did let myself go and was very, very unforgiving. I would say really nasty things like- "if you aren't going to satisfy me that let me f@ck another guy who can" I mean isn't that very horrible to say to someone. Him reading a letter stating I was thinking of possible cheating someday if things continued the way they were. I didn't want a D to hurt the kids but couldn't continue to live this way....

So if he pays me a compliment now- it's like he is damned. It seems like he planned it, it seems insincere- when I know it's not true, I know it's sincere.

Same with sex- total turnaround but still... I feel like he is still selfish at times and my minds wonders to ex's. So a bad, bad thing to do.

I mean I was going to leave him or cheat on him. I am not a good person at all. I do not want it to see like he was this total @ss and I was the poor hurt wife. I was a jerk too.


Most days I am very happy with the marriage and my hubby... then there are the dark days where fears and doubts reign. Where I get very, very worried...