Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want

[june72]

Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want- get out of my mind

Do I post this? I mean it is so much easier to reply to others threads than to open yourself up. Feels really... vulnerable. I don't want to be 2x4'ed. I am a wimp.

Thoughts from my diary:
I feel unattractive. I am fat, my own fault and I am not doing the worked needed to lose weight. So that makes me an idiot. I know I am obsessed with my looks. No, let me rephrase that- my hubby was obsessed with looks for years and I didn't make the cut. I think in the end I am ok. It just feels worse b/c I for years have wanted to be my hubby's standard. To get his approval. It's never going to happen and now that he actually on occasion states nice compliments I force myself to believe him. But a little evil part of me screams b*llshit! Not after all these years buddy. Years of the negative cr@p you spewed out.

I feel like I pressure H too much, but man- I keep feeling rejected and I am not getting enough. Not enough sex, time, affection, quality time, understanding, all of it. Rejection, rejection, rejection- is what I feel. I miss him and feel lonely in this marriage. Not the end of the world, I will live. It just sucks that the rare time we have together- Greg is tired, I feel like I am being a bother. Like I am an additional chore. I just remember how he used to want to spend time with me, Now I feel like a loser who chases after her hubby all day long and does not get the same back. Same feelings from pre-seperation. Funny how things really have not changed that much. I knew, not in a negative way, that unaddressed issues would be...unresolved. But I did address this one- again and again. It just goes no where. Or it moves a little bit only to really go back to the same plac as b4. I never thought I would feel so much rejection and lack of attention in a marriage. Time with me is an additional task.

Still I voice a concern and it gets turned back on me as if I am trying to start trouble or problems or I am causing upset. That he was happy and content and I am now bringing discontentment to him- like how dare I. If I am upset- he doesn't care to know, at least that is the impression I get. I am already upset, though. It doesn't change- the dynamic. I am in almost the same f*ckin place I was years ago. My needs are defnitely not being met. I wonder if I am meeting his needs? If his need it be left the f*ck alone (as he has said many times before)... then I don't know where we go from here. It seems to be an impasse. I do not want to be the naggy wife but I also would occassionaly like to address a problem I have with him without him getting dramatically upset. How much work does a hug take, or some positive words, or to even sit on the couch with me for 5 minutes. Or to smile at me. I am more than a roommate with benefits.

TMI alert
When the h@ll am I going to have some enjoyable sex (almost 2 weeks, dying here) and why does he not get if I am giving him O's that after a while he better damn well find some way to give me one to. NOT like I better do this for you. Oh, I think you are due. As if I am a check mark on the to do list.I mean, seriously, this weekend I give him a half hour BJ, while watching a video and he has to point out that it didn't feel that great b/c it became irritating? It took too long. Are you f*cking kidding me? I would love some oral sex on more that a rare occasion. I was hoping that the BJ would lead to some sex for me but nope! He feels I am too sexualy aggressive in general. I know I am constantly @ss grabing and throwing out sexual inuendos- didn't he used to like that?

I have been feeling sex-starved for many, many years. Not only that but..I am desperate to feel really loved, appreciated, wanted and desired. And yes, I can withhold- I suffer with it and guess what- he always won that contest. This year I found out why. B/c I am easily replaceable with porn. In his words... "you can be with woman after woman..." Porn completely satisfies his sexual need. "Porn can be very addictive"- his words. If it's porn or me- I think porn would win. At least porn has perfect bodies, cheery dispositions and no nagging. Now, he has stopped for 2 years- his words. I believe him- I really can never know either way b/c I had no clue that he was even viewing porn. I swear it was on stealth mode. And he KNOWS that I am totally pro-porn. I just don't want to be replaced by it- that's it!

How many nights have I cried about our relationship and he has no clue or probably just doesn't want to deal with it.
Pointless...2x4 myself

I know, I know- change my attitude, get a different perspective. I know GAL, PMA, f*ck another guy (oops did that slip into there)

OK, I am just totally 1000 percent kidding on the last one....

[Kalni]

OK, if it helps, I can relate to 99% of what you wrote. Pre bomb. I was feeling and living what you describe. I didnt know of course he was giving his care and attention to someone else, he was not a suspect, so it all became VERY personal. I am dreading the thought of being again in that place. This FEAR makes me sweat at nights...

What are the unresolved issues? If you failed to resolve them then, cant you go back and resolve them now?

Weight can be devastating for women. It alters their mentality, vanishes the self esteem, gets you in the "looser" role. That is something you need no help from him with. It's about you. YOU can change that. Deal with it. It will change you. If you are anything like I am, weight loss will be the beginning of many more changes.
I will be back later.
K

[june72]

Thanks Kalni,
I feel like in light of what you have had to go through I have no reason to complain what so ever.

I really just want to be happy with the status quo- often I am but there are times when (say I am lacking sex or affection) that the old negative thought machine turns on and spews out ugliness in my mind and I want to turn it off.


I know that marriage is not supposed to fill all of your needs and that marriage has it's ups and down. I just never knew I would feel so lonely. Or misunderstund.

[dday101798]

Hi june,

Touching on what Kalni, and maybe to better understand my (x)W on the issue, what does it take for you to KNOW that he is fine with your physical condition? Sure I understand, you need to be comfortable with yourself, don't get me wrong on that, but with my (x)W, it's a darned if you do, darned if you don't issue.

I find her very attractive, sure, she's born 2 babies and gone up and down the wieght charts over the years, especially after the D. But I have zero problem with any thing about her.

Conversly on the TMI, heh, other way around.

We just enjoined in a very active weekend, multple time per day, multple times per occurance, most of which I was the engager, a very rare thing. Now here we are 3 days later, and I feel of little worth and questioning things she says and does as she's become rather distant, kind of like a "ha, I got what I wanted, and now my confidence is so high" kind of ordeal from her. Now it just seems like I'm cook, cleaner and chauffer?

[june72]

Dday- for years I had no issue with my weight and appearance. He did though. I thought he was nuts. He would make nasty comments and negative critisms- it stung but a million guys were chasing me so I knew that he was the problem not me. Now why I did not leave a guy with such issues... my problem. I was totally codependent. I mean I had to know that it would only get worse. Pre-bomb- we were in marriage counseling and my big issue was me nagging him- "at least say you find me pretty" and his refusal to do so. He would state you can't force me to do anything. I would reply you are hurting my feelings so much. That with the one-sided sex....only rare times for me. I felt like I kept giving and giving, hoping for some returns....


Now present day things are drastically different and he is makeing changes. Huge changes. He knows where I stand on things. I won't take crap. Nope! But I won't be bitchy now about it either. I will handle it in a more mature way.

He is in a very bad spot though. I mean how can you repair years of saying hurtful things to your wife and the whole sex thing. I mean I didn't even get into the years he felt I was stupid and an idiot and called me such. The walking away from me, the rolling his eyes at me.
Even last week, I was getting really moody (I am super carefull to not be like this ever but was failing on this night). He stated really nastily- "do me a favor, don't talk to me the rest of the night". OK, maybe his comment wasn't a big deal but it stung.

I am not Ms. Squeaky clean, either. I was a nag, negative, totally did let myself go and was very, very unforgiving. I would say really nasty things like- "if you aren't going to satisfy me that let me f@ck another guy who can" I mean isn't that very horrible to say to someone. Him reading a letter stating I was thinking of possible cheating someday if things continued the way they were. I didn't want a D to hurt the kids but couldn't continue to live this way....

So if he pays me a compliment now- it's like he is damned. It seems like he planned it, it seems insincere- when I know it's not true, I know it's sincere.

Same with sex- total turnaround but still... I feel like he is still selfish at times and my minds wonders to ex's. So a bad, bad thing to do.

I mean I was going to leave him or cheat on him. I am not a good person at all. I do not want it to see like he was this total @ss and I was the poor hurt wife. I was a jerk too.


Most days I am very happy with the marriage and my hubby... then there are the dark days where fears and doubts reign. Where I get very, very worried...

[dday101798]

Most days I am very happy with the marriage and my hubby... then there are the dark days where fears and doubts reign. Where I get very, very worried...

I hear ya, having one of those days right now.

[june72]

Dday- I don't know how he can make it better- I exercised my way down to 119 once and he commented how my stomach was not like it was in college. I do not think I will ever met his ideals. Defnitely not now 45 lbs overweight. He is not happy with his looks either. He thinks he is fat (people think he is skinny) and very ugly. He hates compliments from me b/c he feels they can not be possible. He refused to date anyone in college b/c they were never pretty enough or thin enough. He admits he is a messed up individual and has a really screwed up view of things He felt like the women he dated should look like a model out of a porn movie or a magazine.

His mother is obsessed with looks, money and status. And actually will say negative comments on other peoples looks. She always had negative stuff to say to him. "Why don't you have a girlfirend, better grades, etc... like your cousins". She totally screwed with his mind. He states he felt huge pressure to bring home a gorgous girl or his parents would be upset with him. I believe him knowing his family....

[june72]

Most days I am very happy with the marriage and my hubby... then there are the dark days where fears and doubts reign. Where I get very, very worried...

I hear ya, having one of those days right now.

So sorry to hear that!

[LauraOh]

A great book to learn how to get your H interested in you is "For Better or For Best" by Gary Smalley. There are lots of ways to get a man's attention besides nagging. You are doing what you know best, and it is difficult to change to something else. That's not his problem though. You want something, you have to learn how to get what you want. You have to learn to do all the things that this board advocates--GAL, detach, 180s, create mystery etc. It's not easy, but it's not rocket science either.

180s are different for everyone, but they ALWAYS create interest and curiosity in the other person (well, I should say as long as the other isn't involved in drinking or drugs).

And detachment will help you see him for the flawed being he obviously is with his own demons and you won't be so affected by what he does say/doesn't say.

You have work to do. I know you don't want to hear that, nobody does.

I have found though that actually doing the work brings up my self esteem. I am not always successful, but sometimes I am. And each time I get a little better, it spurs me on to try something more.

I am enjoying the journey. It's become exciting to see what **I** am becoming. My H is a critical, difficult perfectionist (and he likes porn too, and it's been 3 months since we've ML). But I have been having a lot of fun GAL--and in the meantime I've lost 20 pounds.

And the confusion in his expression--priceless!!

[june72]

Laura- thanks for the feedback. Congrats on the weight loss, too! I totally get what you are saying I have made many 180's and got myself happier with or without him. I felt that detachment was an easier place to be. That felt easy. Piecing feels like you have to let go of some of the detachment, KWIM?
Our MC stated that my hubby gets extremely anxious when ever I voice any concerns- not sure how to deal with that. Tried letters, small comments hear and there, droppping hints, postive feedback and reinforment for actions I have liked. Direct talking does not go over well, he gets upset. Well, I get upset easily too- so I guess we are a match. lol He responds best to me being perky and happy, in a good mood. I can not always maintain a good mood though. Sometimes I want to feel authentic.

Shockenly, I recently had a bout where I was not interested in sex for a while. I just didn't, I don't know why. Never happended b4-odd. I think I just felt closed off. Usually, I don't know if I am abnormal but I really want sex, all the time. Sex that is enjoyable to me I mean. I mean in the college days I would have no problem with haveing sex to just have sex. I can not imagine going without. Although I did last six months away from hubby with only a couple visits to get me by. It was hard. Thanksfully hubby has a high sex drive too and has been working towards meeting my needs and not just one sided. When there is slipping in this and other areas... really negative feelings and thoughts creep in.

I feel bad and honestly wrong to have such negative thinking. I mean I should appreciate what I have and other areas of my life. I should not focus in on the disapointing aspects. What a waste of energy. But it there in my mind. I want to get it out- those negative thoughts. It's not productive at all. I mean if I feel less than happy about a situation- I should just learn to deal...