CoolHandLuke and PSLuke

[psluke]

Ok DB'ers we may need some guidance here if David chooses to participate.

David,

I will not be starting AIM today. I am very tired of the communication patterns that exist on the IM. BTW: Zoo was asking me about posting the IM for yesterday. I know that a lot of times you keep the whole thing, as you have emailed them to me before, she asked me about posting yesterday's. I do not have it as I usually close the window during the day, plus when the modem goes down I lose it. If you do have it since she asked I do not mind if you want to post it here so that folks can see the communication pattern that we currently have going on. Or if you don't have yesterday probably one of the ones that you do have would work to demonstrate better than we either one can explain to everyone the pattern that is happening. If you are comfortable posting one of the ones you have I do not mind. I can look to see if I still have any past ones but I generally do not save them.

You are welcome to respond to me here on this thread if you have anything to say to me. That way maybe some of the good db'ers here can help us to break the communication pattern that we are locked into at the present time. You are of course still welcome to call, email or come over to the house.

I feel that we are still very much not understanding one another, I believe this has been the pattern for several years. I am not sure when it changed, I believe at one time we were able to communicate, at least better than we do now.

I am sorry I upset you yesterday. I do not feel I deserved to be cussed out by you and yelled at by you and I guess rather than cuss back at you I should have chosen the option that you did and hung up.

I feel that we have a very unhealthy pattern of communication. All of my buttons are pushed by my feelings that you ignore me and brush me off while putting the worst take on things, no benefit of the doubt that you might have misunderstood me. This tends to leave me staying in all of my past bad communication patterns. I feel that I have improved a lot with other folks but the interactions with you are still very much the same as they have always been. I feel with not much understanding or respect on either side at this point. This sucks by the way. I hate it and can not continue this interaction.

I react, you react. This gets us nowhere. I also feel you are still holding a lot of grudges over the past. I am trying very hard not to do that, (not always successfully) and my feeling, not that it is necessarily accurate, is that the difference is you believe I deliberately tried to hurt you, while I believe that the things you did to me were simply that we nether one knew any better and the R spiraled out of control.

But I still do not believe you have made conscious choices to do something with the intention to hurt me. I do not feel that you have given me that benefit of the doubt and feel that has colored all of our interactions since you first started feeling I was doing things to deliberately hurt you or overlook your feelings.

I could throw a whole list of things on here, but what would that gain me? It is the past, I am not even sure a lot can be learned from it. I think the solution would be to look to the future and a way to communicate respectfully and with UNDERSTANDING to one another.

Yes, I made a lot of mistakes, and so did you, but is that somewhere we want to live with those constant reminders clouding our future? Even if our future doesn't end up being together.

I know it is my choice how I feel, but have ended up with the way things have went, I feel, unloved, unattractive and very dumb. I have always thought very highly of you, and so maybe that leads to my feeling this way, but the interactions we have had lately have led me to that is how I feel now. I feel very brushed off by you now, very much the way I have seen you treat your mother over the years.

Anyway I wanted you to know why I did not start AIM this morning. It is not that I am mad at you over yesterday, that is just one more in a long string of misunderstandings. I no longer intend to participate in them, they are simply dragging me down and wearing me out.

I hope your cold is better and you have a good day.

I actually worked to try to keep this short. It isn't, but much better than it could have been with my tendency to wordiness.