how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i'm actually feeling relatively positive today. i think things with the separation agreement will be resolved by the end of the week and i can sign the damn thing and move forward with my life. even if my H came back tomorrow, i really don't know that working things out with him would be best for me. he has let me down and left me behind too many times and for the first time, i've realized that my H never really let go and surrendered to loving me in an unselfish way. maybe i never did the same for him, but i think i lived in fear for most of our time together...fear of what might happen or what could happen again. some things happened early on in our R (way before we got married) that i never really got over, that i never really forgave, and i was never really fully myself within our R.

i don't think my H is a bad person...i think he has a lot of growing up to do. he may not learn a damn thing from any of this, but that is outside of my control. i have learned a lifetime's worth of lessons in the last 3 months and i will carry that in my heart for the rest of my life. i can't worry about how he will move forward in his life, because he's chosen to do that without me. my happiness comes from within ME, and my H has nothing to do with that. i can have a smile on my face and a sense of inner peace that he has no claim over.

that said, it won't be easy to sign those papers and change my name back (no WAY am i keeping his last name), but i'll do those things knowing that i will be all the better for it, and my H will still be the same old person, destined to fall into the same trap again and again, thinking that he can solve his problems by getting rid of the relationship...never thinking the problem may be within him.