tired of trying...

[gr8 day 2B alive]

My GAL and 180s led me to here...not much better for the M, but I'm a better person for it. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll actually feel like it.

Not all the sitches here are going to work out. I have accepted that. Once you realize that your truely doing things for yourself and not in attempt to get spouse back, you will start feeling it.

This is the hardest part and takes a long time to embrace.

This process is forthose who want to feel happy no matter the outcome of their M.
People will come and go here either b/c their S was able to give them another try or people just gave up.

[beingreal]

aaaannnnnd....now I'm crying again.

I need to go do laundry or something. My heart hurts.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

This is what I mean, you will go through these cycles quite often. Focus on yourself for your own happiness.

Give us updates.

[PEI]

Hey shelbel ((((hugs))))

Can't stay now ... but just wanted to mention that you might want to think twice about telling your S6 not to talk to anyone outside the family about this, that puts pressure on him as if this is his secret and that's a lot of weight for a 6 year old to carry. He needs to be able to talk too, and right now he's confused and angry and neither you or your H are his first choice for confidants .... have you talked to his school guidance counsellor or his teacher to tell them what's going on?

Just my two cents ...

[beingreal]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate you keeping up on this. I'm trying so hard not to go nuts IRL, it's nice to know people are not only listening--but that they understand too.

Good point, PEI. Thank you. I amended that request to S6 as I was driving him to the bus just now. I told him that it was okay to talk to people about how he is feeling, but I'd rather he not tell them *why* he thinks this happened in detail. Those are the things he doesn't understand. If he feels I'm wrong & made Daddy leave, then okay. I just don't want him out repeating things he may (or may not) be fed in the future. Which is what he was doing when he made that comment-repeating what Daddy said. But you are so right about him not talking to other people--I don't want to isolate him further. My mom was a teacher's aide in the preschool my kids go to, she just retired from there. She's still really good friends with everyone & they knew before I brought him in last week. I'm betting they know more about this than I think.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a week. I had to go back and reread some of the entries here to remind myself that the H I miss was not the one who left here--the one who left here was cruel and angry. The stress is much less than it was, there is no yelling, no fighting, no sarcastic comments. I need to remember that--that is the kind of home I want, a calm and loving one. I'd rather have it with him in it, but if that's not possible, then so be it.

It just won't be easy.

I wonder if he even has a clue yet, or if he's still just blaming me. He was telling me where the church is at the halfway point between here & his mom's and couldn't do it without adding some snarky comment meant to hurt my feelings--so I'm guessing the answer is "No. No he doesn't have a clue."

I'm going to try not to hang out here so much today, like I did yesterday. I need to clean & go grocery shopping & plan the rest of next week. I need to do something constructive instead of just sitting here wondering about things I have zero control over.

But I will be checking in, so feel free to leave all the comments and advice you can muster. It's really helping me through this.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Shelbel

You will make it through this. I know your how hard it is for you right now everyone here has gone through the pain your experiencing.
I f you read my whole sitch, it has taken me that long to really accpt that things may not work out. I am learning to detatch for W and if you could manage to do this you will feel better.

Keep telling your kids kids you love them and everything will be OK. They need your support and don't let them see you cry.

As for H actions, he will blame you for all that's wrong, that's what WAS do. Continue to work on you and spend time with family and friends.

Coach posted this on my sitch a few weeks ago and it has helped me. I hope it helps you.

In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[6]

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[7]

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[7]

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[7]

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.

[beingreal]

Thank you gr8. That is one balancing act I'm afraid I'm not very good at right now. At least the concept of it is right there for me to see, I won't have to figure it out on my own. (And it's a pretty powerful piece on it's own.)

Do you have a link to your whole sitch? Your current thread starts in Feb.


H said he is taking the kids Saturday night--and again next weekend since I have to work & it's only one night this weekend. So I've already put a feeler out for Saturday night to go out for a drink or two. I'm going to get my haircut after the boys leave (nothing drastic, I'm letting it grow out), and I'm going to go out. Even if it's by myself.

I'm also going to set up times with my trainer for next week--it will have been over two weeks since I've worked out by then, can't have that. I need this. It's mine.

I hope everyone is having a good day. I have Excedrin Migraine & the *good* coffee to tide me over.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

SB.

Use your time for you. think of all the things you would like to to do but cthought you coundn't b/c of the R.
Right now you need to balance the kids, work and you. Let me tell you, I have spent a number of days in my office in tears.
It's been awhile though. it will get better. don't rush it, this is a process.

I have gone out to dinner by myself a few times. I enjoy making new friends and good food.

Make sure you look real good when you drop the kids off at H or he picks them up. Trust me his wheels will be spinning in his head. ****Always look your best in front of him.

As few my earlier posts, if you left click on my name and hit "view posts" that will take yoy to 20 some pages. click the last page and that's where I started my adventure.

Have fun Saturday night, my night is Friday and I'm looking to have fun!.

[beingreal]

Still here. Not too much change--an emotional week & not a lot of support. Still no contact with H, he's not been home the past three nights to talk tot he kids. They talk to their grandparents, who are still being very nice to me. Not fake, just acting as though they have nothing to do with our problems, which they don't. So at least all is well on that front.

We are meeting half way tomorrow after Tball practice so H can have them overnight. He'll have them again next weekend when I work, so this is just a *fun* day. I'm planning on getting my hair cut, having a drink with a girlfriend & maybe cleaning the bathrooms. So much for having/wanting an OM like H thinks--my first evening alone & I'm going to scrub toilets.

Woooohooooo....oooo.....oo.

I'm doing okay at work. I can talk about him leaving without crying now. I can talk about the future (that doesn't include him) without crying. I'm not talking about it a lot--only briefly and only when asked. I'm not calling him names and saying horrible things about him--I honestly have no desire to do so. I'm not even angry. I'm just really very sad.

I read some of the threads here written by husbands who want to make things work with their wives. Men who want to make things work and are willing to work at it. I wish my H would read some of these threads. I wish he would care. I wish he would want to work on this--I wish he would have wanted to work on this three years ago.

But he doesn't. He just wants to be mad at me and blame me for all of this. He told me I threw him away "like a piece of garbage". I didn't throw him away. I didn't throw our marriage away. I wanted him to leave so I could salvage a life for my kids. I wanted to be done with the mess we made to save my own emotional, physical and psychological well being. I don't hate him. I want to be with him. I just don't want to have to sacrifice myself and our children to do it.

Come on. Dude. Get a clue.

I can't make him see what's going on anymore now than I could when he was here.

I'm going to start thinking of things I did to make this M fail. I need to work on my crap more than I need to think about his. I'll have a list when I post next.

In the meantime, feel free to impart some wisdom upon me. I'm feeling pretty low right now.

[beingreal]

From a friend tonight...I needed this.

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.