Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want

[june72]

Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want- get out of my mind

Do I post this? I mean it is so much easier to reply to others threads than to open yourself up. Feels really... vulnerable. I don't want to be 2x4'ed. I am a wimp.

Thoughts from my diary:
I feel unattractive. I am fat, my own fault and I am not doing the worked needed to lose weight. So that makes me an idiot. I know I am obsessed with my looks. No, let me rephrase that- my hubby was obsessed with looks for years and I didn't make the cut. I think in the end I am ok. It just feels worse b/c I for years have wanted to be my hubby's standard. To get his approval. It's never going to happen and now that he actually on occasion states nice compliments I force myself to believe him. But a little evil part of me screams b*llshit! Not after all these years buddy. Years of the negative cr@p you spewed out.

I feel like I pressure H too much, but man- I keep feeling rejected and I am not getting enough. Not enough sex, time, affection, quality time, understanding, all of it. Rejection, rejection, rejection- is what I feel. I miss him and feel lonely in this marriage. Not the end of the world, I will live. It just sucks that the rare time we have together- Greg is tired, I feel like I am being a bother. Like I am an additional chore. I just remember how he used to want to spend time with me, Now I feel like a loser who chases after her hubby all day long and does not get the same back. Same feelings from pre-seperation. Funny how things really have not changed that much. I knew, not in a negative way, that unaddressed issues would be...unresolved. But I did address this one- again and again. It just goes no where. Or it moves a little bit only to really go back to the same plac as b4. I never thought I would feel so much rejection and lack of attention in a marriage. Time with me is an additional task.

Still I voice a concern and it gets turned back on me as if I am trying to start trouble or problems or I am causing upset. That he was happy and content and I am now bringing discontentment to him- like how dare I. If I am upset- he doesn't care to know, at least that is the impression I get. I am already upset, though. It doesn't change- the dynamic. I am in almost the same f*ckin place I was years ago. My needs are defnitely not being met. I wonder if I am meeting his needs? If his need it be left the f*ck alone (as he has said many times before)... then I don't know where we go from here. It seems to be an impasse. I do not want to be the naggy wife but I also would occassionaly like to address a problem I have with him without him getting dramatically upset. How much work does a hug take, or some positive words, or to even sit on the couch with me for 5 minutes. Or to smile at me. I am more than a roommate with benefits.

TMI alert
When the h@ll am I going to have some enjoyable sex (almost 2 weeks, dying here) and why does he not get if I am giving him O's that after a while he better damn well find some way to give me one to. NOT like I better do this for you. Oh, I think you are due. As if I am a check mark on the to do list.I mean, seriously, this weekend I give him a half hour BJ, while watching a video and he has to point out that it didn't feel that great b/c it became irritating? It took too long. Are you f*cking kidding me? I would love some oral sex on more that a rare occasion. I was hoping that the BJ would lead to some sex for me but nope! He feels I am too sexualy aggressive in general. I know I am constantly @ss grabing and throwing out sexual inuendos- didn't he used to like that?

I have been feeling sex-starved for many, many years. Not only that but..I am desperate to feel really loved, appreciated, wanted and desired. And yes, I can withhold- I suffer with it and guess what- he always won that contest. This year I found out why. B/c I am easily replaceable with porn. In his words... "you can be with woman after woman..." Porn completely satisfies his sexual need. "Porn can be very addictive"- his words. If it's porn or me- I think porn would win. At least porn has perfect bodies, cheery dispositions and no nagging. Now, he has stopped for 2 years- his words. I believe him- I really can never know either way b/c I had no clue that he was even viewing porn. I swear it was on stealth mode. And he KNOWS that I am totally pro-porn. I just don't want to be replaced by it- that's it!

How many nights have I cried about our relationship and he has no clue or probably just doesn't want to deal with it.
Pointless...2x4 myself

I know, I know- change my attitude, get a different perspective. I know GAL, PMA, f*ck another guy (oops did that slip into there)

OK, I am just totally 1000 percent kidding on the last one....