Sch, thanks for your post. With the laundry...either way would have been fine. I could have just left it...but I didn't...that's just me...too organized to have a pile of wet clothes laying around lol.
I too hope that H's depression will start lifting soon...it's heartwrenching to watch.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Concerning laundry, I no longer do my husband's on a fulltime basis. He learned how to wash, dry and put away his own clothes long ago.
Sometimes he does mine and his; sometimes I do mine and his..we pitch in where ever it's needed with housework, etc, as we both work and work hard.
It was part of the changes that came about within us both. The fact is, NONE of us are children, and acts of service, while it's being nice, should NOT be left on ONE person to do, or taken for granted. I learned to leave things alone, and so what if a load of laundry got messed up once in awhile...it doesn't happen that often, and I'm even capable of making a mess myself....and so if my husband makes a mess, he fixes that mess...and I actually laugh about it...and go on..it is not worth all that.
I don't even wash for son either; he's learned to cook, clean, do laundry, be totally independent.
Son has bought a house for himself now(he's 23), going through the steps to get ready to move out on his own....I'm dealing with that at this point. He didn't have to have ANY help with the loan; has done this all himself. I raised him this way...the complete opposite of how I was raised. I realized early on that to not raise son to be independent was to cheat him out of the opportunity to learn to take care of himself...so I have spent all these years teaching him to be independent.
Mila, the tiredness within your husband is also very normal, and he will sleep alot, and this, too, shall pass....his body is trying to regain its strength as so very much has been taken out of him because of the changes he's experiencing. You are doing well, going strong, and you have a very strong intuition that will guide you through this.
You know not to push him at this time, just watch him, be there when he needs you, and I pray that he'll get through, make some very sound decisions, and continue to make his way back to you.
I will not be posting very much at all for the next three weeks or so, as things will get very busy for me....there are so many changes going on within our household that I need to concentrate on those at this time.
I may read, but will not post unless I feel I need to.
Have a great day, remember; one day at a time, one step at a time.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
H just got back from vacation with ow and her family. Having to deal with kids whose feelings are hurt that dad never took a vacation with this family. That's about it for me.
What is it with these OW who think it's OK to take a dad from their families, esp if they have kids of their own? UGH!
Phew, just read your whole thread in one marathon session. Wonderful story so far. You are doing so great. I see so many similarities in our situations, but who can't say that, right? Never did get my copy of that playbook they all seem to use... I mailed away for it.
Re: validating from early on -
Quote:
I don't know if it helps or makes things worse (by validating), but actually no worse came of it. It almost seems like by not arguing with H about the history, he stops dwelling on the bad vision, because there's no one to argue with about it, and you get a chance to say a tiny bit to remind him of all the good things you are. Does that make sense?
This is a great observation - and I have also seen H change his position when I validate. I have to learn to validate more, still raw enough that I'm fighting the sitch rather than validate his feelings.
Quote:
One thing that comes to mind, though, is about this rewritting history. My H had been doing that to some degree for a long time, and SOOO much now. Would even rewrite the same thing different ways in a single week.
Again - playbook stuff here, huh?
Quote:
Something that struck me about your husband ( a few pages ago) was his email messages about him being trustworthy. That came up with my husband as well, he just somehow didn't understand why I didn't think I could trust him about things. For years he was always the one who told me "trust is the most important part of a relationship", of course that went out the window with his MLC. When I actually asked him outright "don't you understand WHY I can't trust you?" His reply was that he was 'mostly trustworthy". As if somehow the OW and his affair didn't count and should be overlooked.
Not to laugh at anyone's pain, but LOL - WTH? Why, how, what is in their minds. More script... but seriously, my H is appalled that I don't trust him... WTH?
Looking back, depression seems to be evident in my H for a few years and OW just happened in Nov, so it does seem to be a good predictor, but you don't see it until your hindsight sharpens.
Going to still be a long road, but at least you can be MORE certain of the path you are on. Remember patience and don't lose focus of you. You're really doing great.
I'm convinced it has nothing to do with the kids. It is all about the adults. The kids are just along for the ride. Kind of sad if you ask me.
I agree...my sister is having a prob with her daughters stepmother....the evil stepmom texted my sister yesterday to thank her for going through the labor pains so she (the stepmom) could raise her daughter....all because my sister is trying to get custody of her daughter....some adults never think about the kids....it is very sad.
Mila, Hope things are going well today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
