Not because of anything in particular. And although anger is there simmering, it isn't a vindictive one or ego driven one, more of an indignant one for myself.
I just came to the realization that I do not want to spend the next 40 years in a relationship struggling to deal with H's inability to keep jobs, gaslighting, urge to take the easy way out (whether it be immoral or illegal), and volitile moods. I don't want to have concerns in the back of my mind that he will run again, when I least expect it.
I have doubts that much of that will change should he come back to earth.. and I deserve better. I want better for myself and my children.
I am not in any way discounting my part in the marital issues, and those issues that are still present within me I will work on for me and any future relationship.
I want a partner that will allow me to stand on my own but beside him.
I want a partner that can handle his own financial affairs and allow me mine, but work together on what naturally gets combined for general living. Someone who can think ahead and learn when he needs to.
I want someone I can have faith in and who I know will not run when the chips are down or will get help when he needs it if he feels like running.
I want someone who feels I'm worth having the tough conversations with to improve our relationship and not leave it up to me to mind read.
I am moving forward for myself and for my children.
I will stay on this board for myself and not for a possible R with H, as I don't think he will ever rise to the maturity that I deserve in my life. I'm sure I will waffle with indecision now and again, but they are just feelings and will pass.
I've learned that. I've learned a great deal.
A lot of my recent pain I think was my getting to this point.
The future is mine to choose, and so is my future partner.
Though I thought I didn't settle by choosing H, I think I did in a way. I settled for treatment of less than I deserved for far too long.
I won't settle again.
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
