tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate you keeping up on this. I'm trying so hard not to go nuts IRL, it's nice to know people are not only listening--but that they understand too.

Good point, PEI. Thank you. I amended that request to S6 as I was driving him to the bus just now. I told him that it was okay to talk to people about how he is feeling, but I'd rather he not tell them *why* he thinks this happened in detail. Those are the things he doesn't understand. If he feels I'm wrong & made Daddy leave, then okay. I just don't want him out repeating things he may (or may not) be fed in the future. Which is what he was doing when he made that comment-repeating what Daddy said. But you are so right about him not talking to other people--I don't want to isolate him further. My mom was a teacher's aide in the preschool my kids go to, she just retired from there. She's still really good friends with everyone & they knew before I brought him in last week. I'm betting they know more about this than I think.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a week. I had to go back and reread some of the entries here to remind myself that the H I miss was not the one who left here--the one who left here was cruel and angry. The stress is much less than it was, there is no yelling, no fighting, no sarcastic comments. I need to remember that--that is the kind of home I want, a calm and loving one. I'd rather have it with him in it, but if that's not possible, then so be it.

It just won't be easy.

I wonder if he even has a clue yet, or if he's still just blaming me. He was telling me where the church is at the halfway point between here & his mom's and couldn't do it without adding some snarky comment meant to hurt my feelings--so I'm guessing the answer is "No. No he doesn't have a clue."

I'm going to try not to hang out here so much today, like I did yesterday. I need to clean & go grocery shopping & plan the rest of next week. I need to do something constructive instead of just sitting here wondering about things I have zero control over.

But I will be checking in, so feel free to leave all the comments and advice you can muster. It's really helping me through this.