Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[AliSuddenly]

Hello babydoll,
I havent read all your sitch but the bit I have read.. wow.. you sound exactly like me. I didnt get pregnant, but the way your describe your R and the way H left, no good reason, so suddenly, was exactly what I experienced. We were also best friends and had no major, unfixable issues. He also could give me NO reasons, other than it was "the right thing for him" and he refused to discuss it. He also wouldnt ever give me an inch on offering reasons, as I would only then be strong and try and persuade him that whatever it was could be fixed and he should come back. He was adamant! He even used the phrases "I am 100% sure its over for good and I am never going to change my mind".. (we are now reconciled and engaged, so, well, hahaha to that hey!)

It sounds to me that the sudden reality of being a parent has clearly freaked him out and caused him to blow and I would say that that ISNT about you. You need to stop taking it personally (I know, so hard !!!!!). I also suggest you start posting on the Midlife crisis board, as thats what this sounds like it is.

Also, have you signed up for any db counselling?? I know its expensive but it was the biggest help to me of all, to negotiate how to handle bf whilst we were apart and also, my own feelings. I spoke with Jody and she was the best IC I spoke to during that time, as she had such a unique angle that other ICs dont have (her advice may seem counterintuitive to some IC's and was often in conflict with other advice I was getting from therapists). So, if you can find the money, I would book a couple of sessions.

I also want to give you some advice someone gave me early on... men in MLC are different to those who walk out because they have started an affair and get to a point where the pull of the ow outweighs the pull of the M, for whatever reason. Men in MLC leave because of deep seated childhood issues surfacing. Men in MLC need.. consistency. Be consistent with them. Be KIND. Also, the DBing advice of not always being available and turning down invitations doesnt really have any effect, it just exacebates their feelings of low self esteem and childhooh rejection, of not being heard. This is a simplistic view, but I would say you should rethink your stance to telling him you dont want him to be much involved with the baby and that you no longer like/love him as much, in order to 'entice' him to rethink the D. See how badly he reacted to that:

H wants to be involved with baby 100%. I said absolutely not. As for now, this day, this week, i need to 'fake it' and make him think this is how it will be. I can not show him that I will forgive him. Or that I will make it easy for him. H needs to see the repurcussions of his actions. I nall of this I truly feel he is dillusional and relies on the fact that I am a good person and care for him so much, that I would sacrifice my love and feelings to have him be a part of the baby's life! I was sooooo upset, H said 'you are so predicatable'. That was the final straw that made me see that I WAS JUST DOING EVERYTHING HE EXPECTED! The calls, the cries, the pleading, the fighting.... HELLO!!!!! It was like MWD was on my shoulder saying... told you so!

I would say loving, patient consistency would be a better approach..a reassuring prescence in his life. Men in MLC need a safe harbour to come home to and that isnt really what you are doing here. So, as long as you put NO pressure on him, dont place ANY expectations on him. Men in MLC are particularly sensitive to any perceived pressure and they typically withdraw to a safe haven and cut themselves off from you and friends.

My bf moved to a flat nearby and whilst he would contact and see me weekly he never gave me the address and it was 5 months before he gave me the phone number! he would come to my house 2/3 times a week eventually but never once in the 18 months did he invite me to where he lived. I NEVER once asked him for either, or to come see where he lived, I just acted as though this behaviour was normal. He also stopped phoning alot of his friends and generally became quite withdrawn.

My stance was to never initiatate contact (unless he had expressly offered for me to give him a call, given me his number, or asked me to email him to let him know how I had got on with x, or to make arrangements etc).. but I ALWAYS replied to his attempts to contact me and I never turned down an invite from him. I was consistent.

Good luck, Al x