Yes, and don't be afaid of making her mad. We haven't had a chance to get to know your stitch that well yet, but a lot of LBH's seem scared of their WAW's anger. So, she gets mad, so what? You take a stand for what you believe is right and you won't die from her anger. You can only feel uncomfortable if you allow her mood to affect you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
OK first of all thank you so much for your support. I really helps to know there is support, even by strangers. Your compassion, honesty and friendship is very much appreciated and extremely helpful.
So I asked some of our common friends if she could stay there next week while they are on vacation. Just to get some space for her. It was OK so I went over there yesterday with the kids to get the keys. While the kids were playing I was talking to the wife (lets call her A) of the couple and tried to explain what was going on. A was pretty surprised because my W did not spoke to her in any way. A wondered if my W talked to anyone of her female friends about her misery. So A, as a friend of my W, goes over to her to talk to her. Long story short, turns out my W has been keeping this for herself for years. And makes the life decision of wanting a D totally wrapped up in her self!!! After talking to A my W now sees in that maybe we should work on our relationship in stead of throwing it away. It seems we can start the real work. For now I have moved to the office/guestroom to show her that I don't take her feelings for granted. It is clearly all much appreciated by my W.
Now I have to keep calm and patiently focus on my life and not be so dependent. I think I am actually looking a bit forward to that. Maybe that perspective will help me.
Now about a month later. Although my W initially said that she wanted to work on the relation but it turned out to be an empty promise. Later she said that she does not want to. I have played it cool and basically did all the the things of DR. Mind my own stuff, get a life and don't put pressure on my W. Immediately she is nice to me again and we have a pleasant relation as parents. So I think it is at least a good start.
Then I discover last week she has an affair (what a surprise eh?). So what to do? Be cool and don't put pressure on it? I am sorry I could not. I asked her if she had an affair. She denies it. Pretty amazing (I have proof) but I did not confront her with her lies. I played it cool and thanked her for clearing up my questions. So is she having doubt about her affair? Does she not know what to do with it and wants to keep me in the dark so her options are open? I don't know.
Also she asked why I was not more angry with the fact that she wants a divorce and why I would want to stay in a sexless relationship. I told her that I belief that our relationship could be very good if we would work on it and I told her that there is too much invested in our friendship (we really are still very good friends) and we have a beautiful family. I told her the only thing I am really frustrated about is that she seems not to look into solutions for her passionless feelings for me. Told her that if she would pick up any self help book on these issues she could see for herself that this is not such a strange thing to loose the passion, but that you can get it back provided you work on it. She read about everything and is very smart but she seems to avoid that. This all went very friendly and I just gave her and answer to her question.
Did I do right? I don't know. Should I confront her with the proof of the affair? I don't know She might think now she has a free hand because I 'believed' her denying it. Or she might reconsider it now.
Meanwhile I am amazed how relatively relaxed I feel by implying the DR stuff. I am at least in control of myself.
2) Tell her you know about the affair. Don't tell her how. Just tell her that you have proof. She doesn't need to see it, she was there.
3) When she denies it (NOT IF), calmly tell her that she has already shown enough disrespect to you and the family by having the affair. Lying is only adding to it. You like yourself enough to not stand there and listen to it.
4) Walk Away. Leave everything else to another day. However bad you feel, she will feel worse. Watch her scurry around and change her email passwords and p/w protect her phone, etc. You are now acting instead of reacting.
5) Listen to Puppy Dog Tails. Make your decisions when you are calm and in control. You are in the drivers seat now. DO NOT tell her what you know and how. (You were there, why do you need to know?) Set your boundaries. Look up others' threads on boundaries.
6) Ignore hissy-fits, blameshifting, threats. You are calm.
7) Breathe.
SpinFree
Originally Posted By: koekie
Now about a month later. Although my W initially said that she wanted to work on the relation but it turned out to be an empty promise. Later she said that she does not want to. I have played it cool and basically did all the the things of DR. Mind my own stuff, get a life and don't put pressure on my W. Immediately she is nice to me again and we have a pleasant relation as parents. So I think it is at least a good start.
Then I discover last week she has an affair (what a surprise eh?). So what to do? Be cool and don't put pressure on it? I am sorry I could not. I asked her if she had an affair. She denies it. Pretty amazing (I have proof) but I did not confront her with her lies. I played it cool and thanked her for clearing up my questions. So is she having doubt about her affair? Does she not know what to do with it and wants to keep me in the dark so her options are open? I don't know.
Also she asked why I was not more angry with the fact that she wants a divorce and why I would want to stay in a sexless relationship. I told her that I belief that our relationship could be very good if we would work on it and I told her that there is too much invested in our friendship (we really are still very good friends) and we have a beautiful family. I told her the only thing I am really frustrated about is that she seems not to look into solutions for her passionless feelings for me. Told her that if she would pick up any self help book on these issues she could see for herself that this is not such a strange thing to loose the passion, but that you can get it back provided you work on it. She read about everything and is very smart but she seems to avoid that. This all went very friendly and I just gave her and answer to her question.
Did I do right? I don't know. Should I confront her with the proof of the affair? I don't know She might think now she has a free hand because I 'believed' her denying it. Or she might reconsider it now.
Meanwhile I am amazed how relatively relaxed I feel by implying the DR stuff. I am at least in control of myself.
SpinFree, I appreciate your input. What does Puppy Dog Tails say? He has 14000+ posts. Can you direct me a bit to the right ones. Or are your points made the summation of PDT?
Also can I confront my wife by e-mail? It is much easier to get my thoughts in a row that way. Or is it not confrontational enough?
SpinFree, I appreciate your input. What does Puppy Dog Tails say? He has 14000+ posts. Can you direct me a bit to the right ones. Or are your points made the summation of PDT?
Also can I confront my wife by e-mail? It is much easier to get my thoughts in a row that way. Or is it not confrontational enough?
Koekie
He should be along pretty soon to help out. He is a serious affair buster. I would confront in person. Expect the rage. She will bring the thunder and the rain. Don't put up with it. You are calm. You are confident. You are right. Tell her to stop with the unattractive little girl foot stomping and deal. Walk away.
Also can I confront my wife by e-mail? It is much easier to get my thoughts in a row that way. Or is it not confrontational enough?
Koekie
Sorry, I thought I wrote more about this in my last post. It sounded good in my head.
Email is weak. Stand up to her. It's not that you want to be confrontational. You want to be confident.
You have the goods. You know what you know. She doesn't know what you know.
Be the rock in the storm. Let her rage around you. Be there when she is spent.
You aren't afraid of her tantrums and hissy fits. You are a man of action. You are taking action in the face of massive disrespect from the person you trusted the most and dealing with it accordingly. You are refusing to be talked to disrespectfully.
Glad you came back. If you leave for a month without posting, we think you are gone, so it's important to post often and keep us updated....plus it helps you.
You can stay in Newcomers or you may want to move to the Infidelity/Etramarital/Jealousy forum. Allen & Puppy will find you and they are good at laying out a plan for you.
Don't do anything drastic until you have a plan b/c you need to know what you're doing at the time.
You have not messed anything up so far and I think you have a chance in turning this around. However, you must realize that she is not going to cooperate in working to save this M. Stop getting frustrated at her for not trying. I have been that woman and I can tell you that she is not going to have the feelings that you have and she is not going to have the opinions that you have. This is not the girl you M. She is in a fantasy world with OM and her mind is fogged up and she won't think or act like the person you have known. You will have to think of her as being a different person. You will need to treat her like she is a co-worker or a distant relative......but not your W.
Don't say anymore about the A until you get more advice from Allen and Puppy. As they say, you usually get one shot at this and you have to do it right.
I think it is good that she was surprised you were not more upset over the idea of her wanting a D. That shows you are staying calm, and it shows that you being calm got her attention. So, don't discuss the MR or OM until you get all your advice. Be sure that you do not discuss your source of information, or even how much you know. The effect is much more powerful when she isn't sure how much you know or how you found out.
Last edited by sandi2; 04/28/1009:23 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As far as Puppy Dog Tails, I highly recommend start reading his latest post and start working farther back in time. He is very wise and gives stellar advice. Most do not follow it, the wise ones do.......
No surprise about your W being in an affair. Human nature.
I would like to strongly suggest that everything you do from now on is a RESPONSE and not reaction. "I need time to think about this" should be your state of mind........
About the lying: A confident (IE attractive) MAN would look her dead in the eye and then say in a slow deep tone "We both know you are lying. When you are ready to tell me the truth, I will listen" Then walk away.
About the affair: A strong confident (ie attractive) man would look his W dead in the eye and then say in a slow deep tone "I know about your affair. I have decided that I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me. If you want to be with him, go be with him. I will not stand in your way. As a matter of fact, I will help you pack so you can be out of my house by the end of the week."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
