What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

OK, good. I feel better that you guys said that wasn't totally abnormal. Suddenly I was like, "OMG, I paid no attention to what was going on at all- so clueless- naive" but I feel a bit better now.

I know, P, about the next relationship. I don't know how I'll be. I want to be trusting, I really do. But I will probably be less trusting than I was before.

Ha ha, NM, good to know. I was thinking of wearing a sportsbra and then. . . I don't know, a skirt or something. Something that can just get out of the way. Yes, I will be wearing a hospital gown. . . so it sounds like I might turn out just like yours did!

P, a home birth? Wow! I think since my birthing class I've gotten more and more comfortable with the idea of an epidural. That transition period, oh boy. . .

And NM, yes, I guess so. I just don't even want to think about it; it doesn't matter right now. As someone said just a few posts ago (P maybe?), the most important thing is that he is def gone at this time.

That was a bunch of back and forth baby-WH. Hope it made sense. . .

[gatsby11]

Okay, craziness. At therapy today my therapist told me to investigate attachment theory. She wanted me to look at it to prepare for the baby, but she was red-flagged, I think, when I talked about how much I wanted a boy and not a girl. And how girls are too needy, blah blah blah. So she seemed concerned and told me to look it up.

So I did. And low and behold, I found myself:

Dismissive-avoidant attachment

People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).


Did you catch that last sentence? No wonder it's so easy for me to NC and detach!

I don't even know what to do with this info, but I guess I'll figure it out in therapy. So interesting!

Also, I found WH. He is fearful-avoidant attachment.

Now I'm going to research attachment parenting!

[mrbt]

Look for a book titled: Flight From Intimacy by Janae & Barry Weinhold. It talks about what you describe in your post.

[gatsby11]

Hey, thanks mrbt! I will definitely check it out. I think I'm getting to some meat finally in therapy!

I wanted to add about having a girl: I've definitely gotten used to the idea of having a girl now. The feelings of wanting a boy have been with me for most of my life, but I am happy with a girl. Just wanted to be sure I said that!

[newmama]

Gatsby I had wanted a girl pretty badly and was nervous about having a boy. It took me a week to mourn the fact he wasn't a girl (after the ultrasound). Luckily, a friend of mine had felt the same way when she had her baby boy and assured me that once he is born you don't know any different and bonding is powerful! She was right! I only say that because I bet it will happen for you too-if it hasn't already-. FYI this boy-girl thing had nothing to do with my love for my baby-don't want to come across wrong!

[Piano]

Gatsby my midwife told me last night that most new parents on meeting their newborns take up to a couple of minutes, even 5 mins, to even check what sex their baby is if left to their own devices (so that is, if someone hasn't yelled out already "It's a boy!", "It's a girl!").. like as if it becomes a bit irrelevant.

oh, didn't mean to imply I am having a home birth.. I will have the birthing pool to stay as comfortable as possible at home before heading to hospital...but if it happens too fast and I get to stay at home, GREAT! I would never say never to drugs either! I reckon, do your best, and whatever happens happens.

[Piano]

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

Did you catch that last sentence? No wonder it's so easy for me to NC and detach!

WOW. You have been the super-detacher, that's true... but there was one post I recall where you told me all about losing it when you were staying at your SILs...so I reckon 'attached' is in your repertoire also!! Sounds like you have a good therapist. What sort is he/she?

[gatsby11]

I have no idea what sort she is. I also don't know how good she is, but I like her enough. It seems like she's quick to compartmentalize me when people are really complex. I always keep that in mind when I talk with her.

I don't know if I'm fully dismissive-avoidant; you're right about how I lost it, P. I guess I think I just have that tendency. And I do agree with that statement. What does it mean to depend on people? Maybe that's what I'm doing now with this forum, huh? I don't know. Going to just keep thinking about that. . .

Oh and NM, yes, I had to mourn, too. I think I came out of it pretty well, but I do think I still have some sort of latent mother-daughter issue. . .

My students are state testing today again, so there's no computers or cell phones allowed. So there's just a lot of time to look at students testing and THINK!

[Babydoll]

When H left, i knew immediately it was a boy... didnt know if it was wishful thinking... for weeks i pondered over which was easier or would i have liked more... thought which would H want... of course he always said boy before he left, but also said he would love a girl just the same. When we did find out, i was completely overjoyed and the look on H's face was priceless. I hoped that maybe... just maybe a boy would make him see that I need a constant male role model to be with us at home! Not so much...

I could not be happier, and I too have heard you fall in love immediately no matter what. My little guy is truly a blessing... and I know H feels the same way... for him at least. but i did have moments when i thought... Oh wow! No girl? No pink? No tutus? No little girlfriend? Will it be harder if I am alone to raise him? So i think everyone, whether happily married or separated like us, have thoughts about it... doesnt mean we love them any less! I saw the same thing happen with relatives and their babies...

So instead I have vowed to be a soccer mom! And will learn to love dinosaurs, ball, toy trucks and dirt! hahaha! H promises (fingers crossed) to be active in his life when it comes to sports, and guy things... and in every other aspect...

[gatsby11]

Soccer mom! I hope I'm somewhat along that line, too, BD. . .

So I've been influenced by AliSuddenly over on your thread.

Last night, COMPLETELY INVOLUNTARILY, a song got into my head. I didn't even recognize the song at first, until I realized it was one that he and I had shared as an inside joke! It really is hilarious and. . . just dumb. I actually LOLed yesterday after it got in my head; wasn't sad or anything, just really laughed.

So I was thinking about emailing him about it and then telling him that he should have told me about Bill Murray. (About a month ago he met Bill Murray, one of my favorites, and he DIDN'T TELL ME. Really made me mad, actually, at first. I heard from his mom.)

The whole email would be very light, and I would put a smiley face after the Bill Murray part.

The thing is, if I do this, it would change the dynamic. Instead of both of us being silent and clipped, it might make things lighter. Do I actually want that? Have I detached enough that I'm okay with that? I think the only way it works is if I think of him as ill. If he is in an ill place right now that hopefully he can get healed from, I think it's okay. If he's an a**hole who dumped me when the going got rough, then no way!

Or I could just look at it objectively and say no matter what he is, it's better to have a lighter correspondence rather than a serious one.

How would this change affect our dealing with the baby? Our potential divorce proceedings?

Would he take it that I want to be 'friends' and contact me more while staying far away from commitment? Is that okay for me? Is that getting closer to piecing? And what if he has an OW? Would he just think that I was so "last year"?

It's a big deal for me, I don't know. You can give me your thoughts, but I'll probably just go ahead and do it just for the hell of it. I do think I've detached enough that I just want to shake things up. No real expectations for a reply.

Or maybe I won't. I tend to do that, too.