Yup, then you may have to ask her to leave UNTIL she ends her affair. You will have to check with your lawyer first to find out your legal position. You may have to modify your consequences. I am outlining the standard one the hardliners on this forum dish out under these circumstances.
You make the same confrontation script that everyone else here does
1. This family will not tolerate infidelity in this home 2. Your infidelity is hurting me, you, and our children 3. I love you want want to save our marriage 4. You are not welcome here with this family until you end your affair
Note : This is NOT throwing her out... you are forcing her to respect your home... STOP saying "throw her out" That is NOT what's going on here... SHE thinks that way...
Think of it as a time-out for a child... YOU won't call it throwing your child out, but THEY might...
STOP saying you are throwing her out.. you are commanding RESPECT for yourself and your family... that's all...
The difference here Ken is that your wife is welcome back at ANY TIME as long as an honest commitment to the marriage is offered and full transparency of her actions and communications until YOU are satisfied that the affair is OVER.
OK Allen. Thanks for that. It looks like my next step is to talk to a lawyer. Yes, my wife is definitely making this difficult. I just want to bring closure to this mess one way or another now.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I was just thinking, someone should make a DB flowchart. I think it would go something like this:
Spouse asks for divorce. STEP 1: Is an affair involved? no --> do 180's (no pursuing, GAL, etc.) yes --> Ask spouse to commit to NC with the OP.
STEP 2: Do they agree to NC with the OP? yes --> continue 180's (no pursuing, GAL, etc.) no --> Ask spouse to leave.
STEP 3: Do they leave? yes --> limit contact --> Then go to STEP 1. no --> seek lawyer for rights about having spouse leave, have spouse leave, then go to STEP 1.
What do you think? Do I have this right?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
NOt always, in some cases it could be the LBS that leaves.. I have reccomended that in some cases too.
It would help I suppose, you are right... The thing is Ken there are some people on this forum who are anti-hardline
There is no official process to handle these things. There are a series of overlapping processes that each of us are implicitly advocating... and they are sometimes in conflict.
To complicate the overlapping processes, we have an infinite number of scenarios we are applying these processes to...
It would be a terribly convoluted flowchart if we included everything.
Maybe a hardliner flowchart and a softliner flowchart or something...
It definitely might help...
Just bear in mind there aer some posters here who do NOT advocate following a cookie-cutter type recipie for this delicate situation... They actually find it makes things more difficult... a lot of posters here press the importance of the given situation, while others choose to focus on the repeating patterns and work on that end...
It's actually quite complicated... But I imagine a flow chart could at the very least be educational... It would very likley produce a lot of conflict as well lol
And when you do get to speak with a lawyer, the objective of the meeting is to explore your legal options.
Find out what you CAN do legally to pressure her to act her age. Right now she likley doesn't think you have any leverage.
You may actually do better leaving yourself... and taking the kids with you... if by law you can do that and to offer her a visitation agreemetn or something.
I really don't know if you can ask HER to leave until she's done cheating, but you certainly are within your rights for you to leave... not sure about the kids... all of these things the lawyer should be able to offer more advice on.
Just make sure he knows you want to find out what leverage you have to apply pressure on her to act in the best interests of the marriage insted of destructively twoards the marriage as she is doing now.
You can apply other pressures at home, cut the phone bill, internet, etc... If you can limit her extracurricular activities with wtihholding financial support for them (kill your internet service and phone service, etc) that may help too.
We don't have full details of household management there, so its a tough call.
If you are in IT you can manage your router to restrict internet activity to a specific mac address (just your PC) for example, as well... so you can lock her out of the internet.
If you pay her phone bill, cancel the phone service and just use your cell phone, etc
You just withdraw any financial support from her that she is using to the detriment of the marriage. If she complains you just tell her that outright - I refuse to financially support your infidelitiy that is detrimental to us and our children - I am not going to HELP you CHEAT - ANYMORE.
Whatever you can restrict her from that can keep her from OM and that is within teh bounds of the law - do it.
