Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

The chronicles of being employed again (day 2) lol.

Today I was pretty sleepy. My trainers let me run the computer and "drive the class" for awhile today. felt pretty good that they have that much confidence in what I have learned in a day. I feel like I'm excelling. I've made a few friends. We just laugh and joke and have alot of fun at work. It was just kind of slow though.

I feel like my confidence and esteem are rising. Nothing makes a man feel like a man than being able to work. I think this is a job I can really perform well and could probably move up due to my experience. The only bad thing is that I will have to miss about 3 to 4 days for the surgery prep duration and post op but first i have to get that approved by seeing the neurologist and a doctor. I also have another hearing for s10.


I heard back from the division of blind services and the surgery is going to be delayed until I can see the neurologist. They can't give me anestesia so my physician cannot approve the cornea specialist's request for the cornea transplant until the neurologist examines me and finds out if I have epilepsy or just diabetic seizures.


Man I really miss the boys and SD8. I am still lonely although I'm adjusting. I'm trying to gal a life and keep walking and exercising and focusing on this job.

I still cry. I still look at our family pics and get sad. But I'm not as desperate. Maybe I'm starting to detach? I don't know. I still think about her alot.

I'm really excited about work though.

I've been thinking about volunteering on weekends at a hospital or ymca because I love kids and since I cannot see my own right now I'll try to tutor and buy toys and give back. There are alot of sick children out there who are all alone.

I hope my dream of becoming a teacher or aide working with disabled children can come true. I really want to do that.
My mother and I seem to be getting along better. Me and dad were laughing and joking because he picked me up from work.


WAW:

She talked to me for a little while yesterday. About work. Health issues. What she is trying to get accomplished. Finally understanding that i'm not going to pay for her hair. I do understand why she wants it done. The epilepsy meds wrecked havoc on her hair and it's still not fully grown back the way it should. But she used to be more frugal about it. The hairstyle she wanted before I reenforced my boundaries was too expensive.
She stated she is going to show me that she can budget her finances better. I just smiled on the phone and validated.

So she's planning a weekend for me on my bday weekend since my bday is next wednesday. Sent me some links to some lingerie she wanted to purchase and I was like Wow. She wants to take me to dinner, a nice jazz place and then to either her place or a hotel.

She stated she's had this in her budget for about a month. I was kind of surprised. We had some very flirty conversation. Alot of laughter but some seriousness about our 3 kiddies and being more responsible and respecting each other and taking care of business. We talked and texted for a little while after she came back from the store to get something to eat and then I told her I had to get some rest. Well we were both sleepy.

This is probably the longest we've talked on the phone in awhile.

Today we haven't talked at all. I sent her a simple text just asking if she was ok and had she heard anything back about the job she took tests for on saturday. I miss her but I'm not going to bombard her with texts and phone calls.

I'm going to back off and just give her space. She did text me on Sunday about how lonely she is and she states that she still cries and misses her family dearly but she is trying to sort through the issues she has, get herself together and get back in church (she did go sunday which surprised me).

So where do I go from here? I'll just keep working and pushing forward. I miss my W and my children but I'm focusing on trying to make it on this job and still fit the surgery and IC into the picture.

She has been affectionate. She doesn't ask me what my motives are for doing things. She states she sees changes in me and she's working on herself.

I'm just still being wary and keeping my guard up. I'm somewhat grey.

I feel as though we are working through some things. Issues are being discussed without near as much anger. We are able to talk and laugh and go out. But only time will tell.

I've finally set some boundaries. we'll see how it goes.

advice on WAW? Am I doing the right thing? Do I go N.C. again? SHe's said she needs space and time and is confused.

Hellllllllllllllp lol

[CityGirl]

Honestly, James, I am not sure there is anything more to say.

You just get reeled in by your W each time. Its a pattern I am not sure you can see.

You need to be logical. I don't quite get your whole situation. If you have been with your W for 13 months how do the two of you have children that are 10 and 3 years old? I am assuming (perhaps incorrectly) the reason you entered into an Informal Marriage was due to you or your W being unable to obtain a traditional marriage license under Texas law as one or both of you were in arrears with child support.

How do you have a stepchild that is 8 but a son that is 10 with your W? Are any of these children biologically yours? Were you at one time the OM to your W when she was married?

You have to begin thinking logically about what your W is telling you. She asked for extra money to get her hair done so she could look presentable on job interviews. Yet she had money available to her plan a b-day event for you that includes dinner, a jazz club, purchasing lingerie AND a hotel? For somebody that wants to change how they do things and really make good sound decisions for the future to show she might be a fit and responsible parent it seems crazy she would choose to spend her money on a night out rather than fixing herself up for the job hunt.

Go dark for a few months. Get your medical procedures done, stabilize your job situation, get a place of your own and really work at IC. In a few months if she is employed, taking her meds and taking care of her health and has attended IC regularly then maybe see where things are at.

Think about it.. she needs space and is confused but certainly wasn't confused when she asked for money. She wasn't confused when she bombarded you with texts on her b-day when she chose not to spend it with you.

[james217]

Honestly, James, I am not sure there is anything more to say.

You just get reeled in by your W each time. Its a pattern I am not sure you can see.

You need to be logical. I don't quite get your whole situation. If you have been with your W for 13 months how do the two of you have children that are 10 and 3 years old? I am assuming (perhaps incorrectly) the reason you entered into an Informal Marriage was due to you or your W being unable to obtain a traditional marriage license under Texas law as one or both of you were in arrears with child support.

How do you have a stepchild that is 8 but a son that is 10 with your W? Are any of these children biologically yours? Were you at one time the OM to your W when she was married?

You have to begin thinking logically about what your W is telling you. She asked for extra money to get her hair done so she could look presentable on job interviews. Yet she had money available to her plan a b-day event for you that includes dinner, a jazz club, purchasing lingerie AND a hotel? For somebody that wants to change how they do things and really make good sound decisions for the future to show she might be a fit and responsible parent it seems crazy she would choose to spend her money on a night out rather than fixing herself up for the job hunt.

Go dark for a few months. Get your medical procedures done, stabilize your job situation, get a place of your own and really work at IC. In a few months if she is employed, taking her meds and taking care of her health and has attended IC regularly then maybe see where things are at.

Think about it.. she needs space and is confused but certainly wasn't confused when she asked for money. She wasn't confused when she bombarded you with texts on her b-day when she chose not to spend it with you.

S10 and s3 are my children biologically. S 10’s mother has been in and out of his life for years. He pretty much resided with his GODPARENTS because I felt like they had pretty much been fixtures in his life. I would just spend time with him and be active in his life then his biomom took him out of pretty much everyone’s life about 3 years ago. I have sporadically seen him. S3 is also my child biologically. Pretty much the same deal. With S3 I had him pretty much most of the time. Neither one of my boys really give a flip about their mothers due to the way they treated them. WAW has consistently been in their lives and they adore her. Both call her mom. S10 doesn’t call his own bioMOM “mom” and S3 and his mother are NOT close at all because she always dumped him on me and still does and he resents her from keeping him from me for going on 9 months as well as WAW. SD8? She calls me dad. Well she used too before all of this. She and I were close. Her father was never in her life and lives thousands of miles away.

When WAW and I were going to get M? We found out she was still legally M to her former H. He had filed for D years ago and we found it that he didn’t file it correctly about 5 years ago and so we had to wait or move to UTAH. She even had paperwork stating it was done but it was NOT DONE PROPERLY. He used some rinky dink service that didn’t follow up or make sure it was done. He thought it was done too. He didn’t even try to dispute it when she filed to get it done. He lives in a totally different state and has been in a longterm relationship for years. We got that taken care of but it took a few months. Once that was done we did our common law marriage and were going to do the entire M license and wedding and were saving up for that. That’s where most of the life savings came from that has been spent.

We made sure we had wills. MEDICAL POA’S and notarized documents showing we are common law while we saved up for the big wedding and so we could handle medical, financial and any other type of matter for the other. We have joint accounts for pretty much everything. Leases were in both names. Bills etc etc. My credit is better than hers hence the phone bill being in my name as the primary and her as the authorized user.

If something happens to me then she would have the rights to both s10 and s3 in my place. Just like she has documents with me having the rights to SD8 if something happened to her (which is gonna be irrelevant because she has signed her rights to SD8 paternal grandmother)

We had a happy blended family. For the first time all 3 children in our lives felt like they had both mother and a father. She messed up by signing the rights to SD8 over to the state temporarily (although medicated recently out of the hospital for seizures and on sick leave from her job and they refused to let me see what she was signing when they stormed their way into our house with police who also were uncomfortable with what they did). *sighs*

I don’t think I’d let her do all of that stuff. The jazz festival is a free thing so that’s not bad. The lingerie is pretty cheap from what I saw that she showed. The room? I don’t think I’d want that. The restaurant would be around 15 to 20 bucks because I’d get a bday discount. She stated she was looking at around 50 to 70 bucks for the entire celebration cause she would cook the cake etc etc. Her hair is double that so I guess she’s not going to get it done because she is going to pay the phone bill and show me she appreciates and loves me. Those were her words. *shrugs*

I am pondering about total darkness. But she has opened up to me in a way she hadn’t even months before she left. I feel us getting somewhat closer. She keeps stating she is scared. She finally opened up to me about her past M and the sitch with SD’s 8 father and how he stated how had herpes and she tested negative even when SD8 was born. She showed me test results (even recent ones) where they were negative. Her XH really did a number on her as well. SD8’s father cheated consistently and abused her. She also told me about how bad her abortion hurt her (her mother pretty much forced it upon her right before she turned 18 and was in college and she never got counseling for it and her mother wasn’t there for her like she stated she would be.). She had a two day abortion. Then she told me a lot of different things and why she thinks she’s the way she is and she doesn’t mean to be this way towards me and the kids and how she needs help. She also told me how she was sexually abused by a family member when she was younger. All of this stuff has come out recently. I mean real recent. Losing SD is something I know she would not do if she was thinking logically. Especially after the abortion story,She feels like she’s a terrible mother for having her first abortion and for letting the state dupe her into signing away SD8.. She misses the kids and cries so much. I can even tell now. I can hear it in her voice.

She had about 25 major seizures last year (way too many) and maybe another 25 to 30 minor ones. She doesn’t remember a lot of things the way she used to. I feel really really bad. She used to be a smiling happy person and with the meds and no antidepressants it keeps her from having the seizures but it makes her irrational as heck. I hate the pill she’s on right now. The one she was on before (valproic acid) worked better with her hormones and chemical makeup. The depakote dr is pretty new and she’s supposed to have an antidepressant with it to keep her balanced, logical and a few other things. The side effects of that pill are nuts. They told me all of this when she had a nervous breakdown and went to the mental facility last july. So why the f&(()*( would her new doctor take her off the pill that worked and kept her from having seizures for 7 months (for the first time in over 3 years) and then put her on a pill that makes her depressed moody impulsive, paranoid, bipolarish and other things?

I think she’s hitting MLC too. She keeps stating she’s old. Ugly, unpretty. Fat, etc etc etc etc.

She just sent me a text message stating that she is not feeling well and will talk to me tomorrow. I checked the phone records. The only calls she has made today were to SD8 and SIL. She hasn’t even called her “guy friend who likes guys” since we had a talk about him on Saturday.

She has never ever been good with money. Her entire family is that way. So she’s trying but it’s not easy. She manages her finances a heck of a lot better than they do because I’ve been showing her how to do that for a long time.

I really really really don’t know what to do. She said she needs my friendship and love more than anything right now. But she’s afraid of being hurt. She says she’s never totally trusted me and wants to. If I pull back now what happens?

This is a jam. I know this is long but I want to know what you think. I really didn’t want to say all of this stuff but it’s been really getting to me. I just try to validate and listen.

Before she was taking this new pill in mid January? We were fine. I was about to start the process to get the surgery. I was looking for work and she had her job and we were getting a new place. All of a sudden she’s just gone? Takes none of the life savings and starts doing all of this stuff she’s never EVER EVER DONE?

I have been apart of her family circle for over 15 years. I went to jr high with her brother. Her brother’s son is my godson because his child’s mother is my godsister. Her sister went to highschool with my cousin. One of my highschool sweethearts and WAW grew up together and we saw each other all the time.

She was never this way. To have a one night P.A. and the E.A’S she was having. I think S10 woke her up with his conversation. She has called me crying several times since then and I’ve really had to cheer her up.

I’m just giving her space. No crowding. I’m going to get myself together and just see what happens. I’m thinking of going dark but help mee please C.G.

I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I know this is probably all over the place.

she would try to tell me this type of stuff before but would stop and start crying. For the first time she's been able to really really open up to me. So if I go dark what happens? She feels like I've turned my back on her?

I don't know what to do she said she's been holding this stuff in for a long long time and it's been overwhelming her and the case with SD8 not seeing the boys and the arguments we have just made her somewhat implode.

she's still holding alot in. She smiles and laughs with me but I see such sadness in her eyes. WHen we talk she's goofy alot but she's sad alot too.

I really hope she goes to the IC like she promised.

[CityGirl]

James, your post is much too long and very confusing.

In a few simple phrases please help me understand. You have two biological children from two different women and you do not have any form of custody or visitation with either of your children. And you have a minor step son that you have no legal parental rights to that is now in foster care as your common law W signed her parental rights away.

It is very hard to understand how you can be so focused on your WAW when you have two children who are not with you or their mother. Please stop and think about that.

Your W needs help and years of C'ing. The abortion, the abuse, the inability to care for herself, her refusal to get proper medical care or C'ing and her decision to sign her child away. It always seems to be somebody else's fault.. her exH, her mom, her family, her employer, the police, the court system or the doctors.

It is too bad she is sad but she has made poor choice after poor choice for years now. If she is so easily influenced by others that is a problem within itself.

You don't like my suggestion so I am not sure what else to say. Walk away from this woman until she has had a long stretch of IC and can prove to you she will stop making such destructive choices for herself and her children. Walk away from this woman until she has a proven track record of care with all her medical issues. Walk away from this woman so you can get YOUR children back and create a better life for them. After really understanding all of your situation I am sort of stunned you are still so focused on your W.

I don't see any good that can come of this without your W getting intense C'ing for issues that nobody on this board is equipped to handle. And honestly, I can't believe you have spent so much time on your W the past 6 weeks when you have two biological children out there without their mom or dad.

I guess I am stumped on what else to tell you.

[james217]

James, your post is much too long and very confusing.

In a few simple phrases please help me understand. You have two biological children from two different women and you do not have any form of custody or visitation with either of your children. And you have a minor step son that you have no legal parental rights to that is now in foster care as your common law W signed her parental rights away.

It is very hard to understand how you can be so focused on your WAW when you have two children who are not with you or their mother. Please stop and think about that.

Your W needs help and years of C'ing. The abortion, the abuse, the inability to care for herself, her refusal to get proper medical care or C'ing and her decision to sign her child away. It always seems to be somebody else's fault.. her exH, her mom, her family, her employer, the police, the court system or the doctors.

It is too bad she is sad but she has made poor choice after poor choice for years now. If she is so easily influenced by others that is a problem within itself.

You don't like my suggestion so I am not sure what else to say. Walk away from this woman until she has had a long stretch of IC and can prove to you she will stop making such destructive choices for herself and her children. Walk away from this woman until she has a proven track record of care with all her medical issues. Walk away from this woman so you can get YOUR children back and create a better life for them. After really understanding all of your situation I am sort of stunned you are still so focused on your W.

I don't see any good that can come of this without your W getting intense C'ing for issues that nobody on this board is equipped to handle. And honestly, I can't believe you have spent so much time on your W the past 6 weeks when you have two biological children out there without their mom or dad.

I guess I am stumped on what else to tell you.

the mothers are there they just do a poor job. I have joint custody of s3. She just ignores the court order and the police and courts don't enforce it so i'm going to hire an attorney. That's why I have been trying to get healthy and I'm delaying my surgery as long as I can so I can get out of training and then have it and start getting well.

s10? when I was on probation I had a choice. Go to my custody battle for s10 or miss my probation appointment and risk going back to jail. I chose the latter. The courts defaulted against me and gave my s10 rights to my parents. It's never really been a major issue to see him until she began acting weird over the past 3 years of his life. So i'm trying to get that reversed. Hence the court cases because my parents are too sick to deal with her and custody so my family myself and waw and his god parents rarely see him and he is miserable.

I have an 8 year old step daughter by WAW.

She has finally started admitting things as well. That for a long long time she has made alot of mistakes and needs to deal with these issues head on. She's been texting and telling me how she's really trying to get help and that she knows she has alot of things to work on which is a major reason why she left. I think she has been seeeing an I.C.

It's really really hard to talk about the kids. It's hurt like shyt. That's why I don't talk about them much on here.

All I know is that WAW is having major problems. I talked to our cps I.C. and she feels as though all of the things she's held inside just finally broke her. She had all 3 kids ripped from her just like me and that's what really set her off. I know how she feels. It's hard as heck for me not to break down and cry every waking minute. I do it alot.

s10 has begged to come and live with me and WAW. This is very hard for me. Words cannot express the pain I carry in my heart for our 3 children and my WAW who is also my best friend. I see everyone just hurting. So I get up as sick as I am and try to work. To not quit to keep fighting for all of us and praying to God.

When I sleep I see the kids faces. From time to time I day dream and hear their voices and things we used to do together.

All I can do is take it one step at a time. Work and get healthy. Fight for the kids. try to be there from a distance for WAW and maybe cheer her up on occassion and bring a little joy into her heart.

Her and s3 were freaking inseperable. Everyone thinks he's her bioson. Both of the boys love her to death. They miss us both and their sister. s10 asked about her the other day.

talking about the kids just reopens this wound. You best believe I'm working towards to help the boys and my daughter.

The thing is the cps case for SD8 is tied to the boys too. So it really freaking sucks.

Alot of times when I'm not on here i'm just staring into space or at the walls thinking about the children and on the phone talking to lawyers and my current attorney and how I"m going to get them back.

The state of texas is really ajoke when it comes to custody enforcement. If it doesn't involve money then it can take a long long time to get things resolved.

It also doesn't help that s3's mother did some of the most ridiculous crap ever dumping s3 on me and waw on his bday this past summer telling me to keep him for a month (i had it documented) then showing up at my parents house with police right after my mother had surgery stating I kidnapped him. I had to go to the police station and prove me and waw innocence with emails and text messages i forwarded to my email and printed it. I tried to press charges on her and the police did absolutely nothing.

So all three of our kids are being held from us. I honestly think it's taking more of a toll on her than it is on me and I know how bad it's hurting me.

I honestly think that all 3 of our children are being used as pawns to get benefits money and government assistance from the state of texas. It angers me and hurts me. sighs.

I really don't want to talk about this anymore.

[james217]

I will say this.

when s3's biomom treated him like [censored] on his bday and he didn't get one single present or a cake and she lied to him?

this same WAW was there to grab him in her arms and he ran to her and cried and cried telling his "mama" (waw) to hug him.

She took him to chuckee cheese bought him a slew of gifts and spent all day with him and me. And then we had him for the month after that.

When I needed to go out of town for blind training she kept him. When I was in school she watched him everyday.

His biomom did not call him one single time.

Whenever i have been sick WAW was there for me.

It's been the same with s10.

She loves the heck out of her two sons. She misses her daughter too. That's enough to drive any woman insane. She has shown more love and affectino for our two sons than their own biomoms do.

when WAW had a seizure and was in the hospital all day and in a coma for hours. s3 was there holding her hand and crying saying for mama to wake up. He didn't want to watch any cartoons. He didn't play with any toys. He even tried to give her his stuffed animal and his juice so she could feel better and be happy. Just talking about this crap makes me cry

It is driving me crazy. I want to see my freaking kids.

That's why it's so hard for me to turn my back on her. She keeps telling me she's not the same person and she's trying to find her way back. That not seeing the kids is destroying her. It's destryoing me too.
I don't know how much longer I can take this

The only way we got through all of this was with each other.
I really have got to stop talking about this. It's too damn painful.

I feel like just throwing something right now or boxing in a ring. I'm very frustrated.

I have to get some rest. Work in the morning and go say and prayer and then probably cry. This shyt is getting to me and it's hard to talk about the kids in detail. It hurts too much

[CityGirl]

I am really sorry you are in so much pain. Maybe somebody else can chime in but I really don't know what else I can contribute.

While I have never been in the position of losing children or having multiple R's that resulted in children I have to say it sounds like your priorities are a little skewed IMO.

Walking away from a situation doesn't mean you can't love somebody. IMO it seems you and your W have a very unhealthy sort of love with co-dependency but I am no expert. It simply means sometimes one or two people have created so much destruction something different has to happen or the cycle will repeat and each time it will be worse. You might not see it but there is so much blame and very little accountability.

I don't know, James. I understand having to do something you don't want to do but to hear you say you just want to "cheer your WAW up" seems so unhealthy. This is way beyond cheering up and a very, very serious situation for not one one or two but FIVE people (three of them being very young children).

That is not to say with the proper therapy and work a R cannot be restored someday but right now there are far more pressing issues for the both of you. Without the therapy I really don't see how a healthy foundation can be built.

[james217]

I am really sorry you are in so much pain. Maybe somebody else can chime in but I really don't know what else I can contribute.

While I have never been in the position of losing children or having multiple R's that resulted in children I have to say it sounds like your priorities are a little skewed IMO.

Walking away from a situation doesn't mean you can't love somebody. IMO it seems you and your W have a very unhealthy sort of love with co-dependency but I am no expert. It simply means sometimes one or two people have created so much destruction something different has to happen or the cycle will repeat and each time it will be worse. You might not see it but there is so much blame and very little accountability.

I don't know, James. I understand having to do something you don't want to do but to hear you say you just want to "cheer your WAW up" seems so unhealthy. This is way beyond cheering up and a very, very serious situation for not one one or two but FIVE people (three of them being very young children).

That is not to say with the proper therapy and work a R cannot be restored someday but right now there are far more pressing issues for the both of you. Without the therapy I really don't see how a healthy foundation can be built.

yea I know that's why when she talks about coming back or not coming back I ask her come back to what? That's why we spend a little time together and go our seperate ways. We talk sometimes some days we don't.

Truth be told that's why I'm trying to fit my I.C. in too. I'm trying to deal with alot of this stuff myself.

For a long long time we were all we had. She got sick then I got sick caring for her and had health issues I didn't know about.



truth be told I didn't even know s10 existed until he was six months old. It took another six to take dna test proving he was mine. I've loved him since i've been in his life. I was alot younger with s10 (21) and I was a pretty good dad but I could have been alot better but I've been very active in his life.

s3 I've been there through and through.

I honestly wish I had the traditional family. With the dog and picket fence and all 3 of my kids under one roof.

I'm just trying to get healthy work this job, help waw when I can and try to get these kids back.

It is alot of stuff to deal with. And I honestly feel like it falls on my shoulders.

I was the head of the household. I was the leader. I failed. now my family is suffering and hurting.

I'm accountable. I should have been more responsible. There are alot of things I wish I could have done differently but I can't fix yesterday. Only today and tommorrow. So that's what I try to do.

M.C. is so important to me eventually. I'm just really frustrated. The health issues and family issues are just really getting to me.

and I'm alot stronger than her so I can only imagine what she's going through and since we understand each other we try to crack jokes, discuss the bible, talk about positive things and keep the other motivated.

I don't want my old r with my WAW. I was a new and improved one for us and the kids

[james217]

Well got some good rest. Almost time for work again. I think I'm going to go n.c. with waw. I haven't texted or called since yesterday morning.

I'm going to focus on this job and my health and the 3 kids.

Waw needs space and so do I. Talking to c.g. and then getting some rest helped me clear my head.

I don't think the issues I have are so unobtainable but they are going to take more focus.

I have prayed and I have a feeling everything is going to work out.

Thanks for your kind words and honesty c.g.

I will be ok.

[james217]

Work today is realllly slow. One of our two trainers is out of town so its been very helter skelter.

Just enjoying lunch