Often times, there has to be some "rules of engagement".
One such rule could be that you set aside a specific block of time for your "talk", say like an hour. The first half hour is totally hers. She gets to say whatever she wants during that time, and YOU CAN'T say a word. No interuptions, no comments from you, nothing. You just let her keep talking, even if there are extended times of dead silence.
When the half-hour is over, she has to stop, and save the rest for the next time.
Then, it's your turn to talk. Same rules, she can't talk at all during "your time".
This helps for the both of you to be able to get out what you want to say, and stop the volley of any "back and forth", "attack and defend" responses. You're spending time listening to each other better, because you're not thinking so hard about what you're going to say next.
There's lots of other benefits to this that you'll see once you've done it.
Then, a very important part of this, is to make sure that you spend an hour afterwards "doing something soothing" with each other. An "activity" together, not just something like watching a movie where you have too much time to think, but an "action-oriented" thing. Something to help create a safety-zone for future talks like this.
Schedule out at least 4 of these sessions, and really commit to them, make them a priority. These will be the times for your relationship talks, and ONLY these times. Both agree to HALT any R talks between these sessions.
Maybe come up with a "code-word" for either of you to say when your everyday talks are going places that you don't want to go right now. That you agree to talk about it, but only during your "sessions".
I'm not much of a gambling man anymore, but I'd be willing to wager you'll see some difference after just the first one of these, and might find the conversations head in a different direction after that.
Just something to think about. Something "different" to try!
Hey JJ any more thoughts on whether this is workable for CHL?
Just wondered as I do think it sounds like a good idea.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
