*IC asked me to examine ways H might have felt inadequate (contributing to the home, being able to console me after my mother died, my pushing him away and distancing myself in my grief, my absorbing myself in work to avoid my sadness). *She then asked me to examine ways that H was helpful during my difficult times (his physical presence was what I determined was most helpful, though that was not the only thing. Just having him near was incredibly comforting).
Wow - your IC got that much out of you in a session! Don't thank your IC alone, it is your good attitude toward really figuring things out to make yourself a stronger number 8 that makes the biggest difference.
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*IC said that at some point (when H is ready to listen in an open and non-judgmental way), I can acknowledge why I might have done some of the things I did. I could also share what he did that was helpful to me and what I appreciate.
No matter what he says or does, every man loves to feel they did something right...sharing that will be very reassuring for him. How do you think it would make your feel to share it? What evidence would you need to see to know he's ready to listen?
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She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.
Boy, do we all get that. The hardest part for me is not doing the blaming myself in maksed subtleties! It definately takes a willingness from both. In Retrouvaille, that was one thing they stressed that floored me. The decision to love, to commit, to forgive, etc were all decisions that need to be made for a healthy R.
For stress, on my hike I found a rock that fit my hand perfectly to remind me of the peace I felt alone in the breeze. I told my daughter as a joke it was my stress ball. She said, "wow - you must have a lot of stress!"
I'd love to hear more about the breathing technique if you want to share it later on.
