(((Aver)))), 1st off, great job on the half marathon! It almost makes me want to take up running! Almost!
Now I HAVE to get on the alt to see your uber-cute skirt!
Wow, I am more convinced than ever we are living parallel lives! Actually H told me when dropping the bomb that his feelings had been gone for a loong time, years even!! I tried desparately pin him down, when?? When did it happen? 3 - 4 years(!)maybe, he couldn't say. THAT was a killer. Even now, remembering it, it just claws my heart. B/c of course, I had no idea my M was in grave danger.
Do I blame myself? Yes, but not as bad I as did early on.
I would go back & look at my happy emails from him sent the week before, the day before, "I love you" blah blah blah. Remember our recent trip etc. I couldn't get my head around it.
And, like you our sex life was lacking, I am LD. And he brought this up during the bomb! But he NEVER I mean never, did before. So I just figured he was LD too. A poor excuse I realize now, believe I beat myself up good over this. This is how I know there was/is an A, b/c as you know he has yet to admit it.
Yes, & others here have posted that WAS are often unhappy/plotting their escape a long time before they bomb us w the news. But like you, I never had a chance. No counseling, no discussion (except for the 4+ hour bomb session & a few nasty/crying arguments after) no nothin. No way no how, he was just done. He left within 2 weeks of bomb & that was it.
Aver, are you sure we weren't separated at birth?
There was an OW, (which I couldn't even consider at 1st) & like you don't think anything I could have done would have mattered.
I am glad the ADs are helping. I was resistant to them - dr. gave me a prescription in July, I wouldn't take them til Sept.
They are certainly not a cure all, & of course I still feel sad at times but how they helped me was in keeping the uncontrollable tears in check. Kind of hard to work/function when you never know when a breakdown will hit.
Sorry to post such a long one - guess I'm making up for lost time! You sound great - keep us posted on this dr. Wishing all good things for you this week, will check back soon. (((Hugs))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 04/27/1011:57 PM. Reason: add word
I just don't know if/for how long he was unhappy. Sex (lack thereof) was definitely a big problem--we tried to address it a couple of times, but the failure to change, or really work on it, was mine. Of course, we can also say X had a responsibility to say something about it.
My latest theory: Say you only ever had hamburger to eat. You enjoy it. It's good. You think: Wow, this hamburger stuff is pretty nice! I'll be happy with it the rest of my life.
And then...someone offers you filet mignon. Wow! YOU NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE LIKE THIS! Wow!
So you secretly sneak off and eat filet mignon for a month or two. And then you realize...hey...I could just drop that hamburger thing entirely, and go with this.
The few things he said: "she treats me like a king. Instead of: 'you're having another drink?' she brings me a drink." "Aver, you weren't supportive of my problems at work. You always indicated that you were happy to see me having some of the same problems you were" (that's true. X is VERY successful at work, in a very supportive workplace. I have a lot of insecurities about my work, and my workplace is NOT supportive. So I did gloat--yow, it hurts to say that--when/if X had a problem.)
And as we know, she isn't working. She's "concentrating on cooking" for him, according to X's mom. So adoration, dependence, a little world just the two of them.
So that's all I got. Much like you, my long-lost twin.
Two weird remarks after the bomb, during our Sunday "check in" appointments.
One: after the bomb, I left for a week. Couch surfed, etc. X asked, looking away, sounding small, "can I ask where you were all week?" as if he were concerned.
Two: after I asked him to please move out (instead of moving to the apt. with her!) I said: let's call the insurance company and separate out our cars from the house. He said" "well, it's less expensive to have it all wrapped up together" And then, looking away again, and with that small, hurt voice: "unless you are trying to speed this process up."
WTF? I said something like "I would do anything to stop or reverse this process" No answer, of course.
I think Citygirl said: "when a WAS says "I'm done" they mean it."
And yes, ILY's just before. And a few offhand remarks, that in hindsight--had I just responded in the positive--might have tilted him back to trying with me.
Oh, god, I can beat myself up forever. I was so emotionally withdrawn. I held back. Etc., etc, you have all heard this before.
And to top it all off, my sex drive has suddenly switched into HIGH gear! now that's a kicker!
Yes, the ad's are good to keep the uncontrollable/unpredictable sobbing at bay. I wouldn't be here without 'em, that's for sure.
You have all heard this before, sorry to go back to it. Hopefully I will tell myself these stories less and less as time goes by.
Now I need another running goal, and have to work on that date with the doctor!
Going over to your thread, now, LFA. I want to know how you GAL'ed this weekend!!!
I am sitting here at work (rehearsal, nothing really required of me)
And I just, calmly, cooly, re-worked X's division of joint property, agreed to his division of joint account (even tho most of the funds in there are mine!! whatever! not worth arguing about!!) and sent him an email with that information. Asked him to take his half the $ from the account so I can close it out. I just don't want to have that account in my life anymore.
Feeling absolutely cool. Even though I am jacked up on little sleep and much caffeine. (late nights work!)
Can't say that I won't scream and sob on the way home (I keep a dishtowel in the car now for the driving/crying--tissues just aren't enough!). But OK for the moment.
Got home from rehearsal. Hungry, make some popcorn, get a drink and settle in to read the local paper. Nice way to wind down before going to bed.
And there...halfway in the paper--at least not on the cover, thank god--is an article describing X's resignation from the Planning Commission. With plenty of praise for the excellent work he did.
"due to changes in his personal circumstances, X is leaving his S. Water Street home. He had been living in X town; was looking for housing in V town (here), and will move to Y town on May 1st" "V town's loss is Y town's gain."
Ruledworld--I believe you have said that both you and H have prominent positions in town. Well, on a much smaller scale...so does X.
From calm and collected to towel sobbing. The entire county now knows my story.
Believe me, this little paper is an excellent paper, and EVERYONE reads it.
OK--everyone in town knew about this. Right, Aver? nothing new.
I have kept it out of my workplace. Until now. Now I know that the entire department is saying "well, that explains everything." They may have pieced it together before, but nothing like screaming in banner headlines:
"Most excellent wonderful human being X has dumped his partner and is moving out of town!"
The paper comes out on Monday. I get it delivered, so I get it on Tuesday.
So--hahahha--they always say the wife is the last to find out--true enough in this case.
I don't know how to even begin to cope. Send the link to the on-line version to my friends and scream: Why didn't anyone warn me???
Oh my god--the humiliation is total and complete.
It had to be posted to the entire planet sometime. Guess I might as well go update my FB page. That was going to be the next step.
Have to walk into work tomorrow. Have to hold my head up high. Can't have my face all swollen from crying.
wish I could write a letter to the editor, explaining WHY this dreadful loss to our dear little town has happened.
Put a little tarnish on the glowing raving commentary about how great X is.
Welll, it's true. He was excellent as chair of the planning commission.
Oh, and the "got 155 people to fill out survey for town plan" I HELPED WITH THAT. Oh, yes, I went and bugged people, and made them fill out the survey. I then did ALL the data entry because it was summer and I had the time. And because I was so proud and happy to contribute to X's project, and contribute to our little town.
insert string of unbelieving explictives...
Should I send an email to friends? along the lines of: I got the paper. I saw the story. Would have been nice for someone to warn me about it!
insert string of explicatives again--but wept in stunned horror, not anger.
christ, never anger. Just profound regret and sorrow.
he could have just said "resigning for personal reasons" and leave out all the details about where he was living; where he hopes to live; and where he will be living now.
Y town's gain?? yes, if they like liars and cheaters and people with no integrity on their local boards.
Do I email my friends with an acknowledgment of the paper?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Should I send an email to friends? along the lines of: I got the paper. I saw the story. Would have been nice for someone to warn me about it!
I wouldn't unless I knew what good this would accomplish.
Originally Posted By: avermont
insert string of explicatives again--but wept in stunned horror, not anger.christ, never anger. Just profound regret and sorrow.
Why not (never) anger?
Originally Posted By: avermont
"Most excellent wonderful human being X has dumped his partner and is moving out of town!"
I can appreciate your shock. But what's humiliating? Not being facetious, here: explain. Let it out. From what you've quoted here, the paper does not tell "your" story -or even "the" story. Deep breaths. Glass of wine, maybe. Talk to your closest in-town friend tomorrow. Don't say much. Get her take. My bet it's empathy and curiosity. Still, it sucks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
HEY!!! It made the front page here in AZ! Knocked the whole immigration bill story right off the front page! EXCEPT it read "Cheater kicked out of town" X is leaving town in disgrace after A.
I would contact my friends. Of course X would spin it to his advantage. Why don't you rewrite the article with YOUR spin on it and send that to your friends? Might make you feel better....
((((((((Aver)))))))))))
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I guess it's no worse than what Elin Woods, Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards and Mrs. Governor "I was hiking the long trail but really with my Argentinian lover" are going thru.
christ, while all the governor crap was in the news, X was having his affair. And all of us saying, "my god what a terrible thing to do!"
And good old Aver, what did she say about that governor, more than once? Aver said" well, sometimes it IS true love. Sometimes you do meet your soulmate"
Guess I forgot to add the caveat-end it with your wife, first. Guess I handed X his "it's OK to walk" papers. Practically assured him that I understood that true love soulmate thing TOTALLY makes it OK to cheat and walk out.
Joke's on me, I guess.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
