Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[Number 8]

That stuff from your workshop sounds great. Thanks for sharing. Rational detachment sounds good. Much better than flailing, irrational engagement. Already tried that one. Ha.

Ha ha!! Me, too! And it worked as well for me as it did for you!

[Number 8]

Long day, but a good one. I'm very tired, but I thought I'd share the notes from this IC session before bed time.

*I began the session by sharing the positive and/or comforting things from the week. IC was pleased that I had found some good to share.
*I told her about my crisis training workshop from the day before, and she and I laughed about how I have not taken my own curriculum to heart.
*We discussed forgiveness and compassion and how they could help me deal with my feelings of anger.
*IC asked me to examine ways H might have felt inadequate (contributing to the home, being able to console me after my mother died, my pushing him away and distancing myself in my grief, my absorbing myself in work to avoid my sadness).
*She then asked me to examine ways that H was helpful during my difficult times (his physical presence was what I determined was most helpful, though that was not the only thing. Just having him near was incredibly comforting).
*IC said that at some point (when H is ready to listen in an open and non-judgmental way), I can acknowledge why I might have done some of the things I did. I could also share what he did that was helpful to me and what I appreciate.
*She said that I should express that my distancing myself was not about him and that it is not my judgment that he is inadequate. In other words, it was not about him.
*I can share all these things, but I have to leave it to him to come to terms with his feelings about himself, his guilt, and his adequacy/inadequacies. She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.
*Breathing--IC told me to practice breathing on a regular basis, especially when I feel my anxiety increasing. My breathing should be slow and go all the way down to my diaphragm. [More breathing lessons next week. We ran out of time today.]

IC also looked over a workbook that I bought and said she thought it would be a valuable resource for me. It's called The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety. It just came today, and I'm excited to begin using it.

[mrbt]

8 I am glad to hear that you are breathing. Also, I think I want to hire you as note taker for my counseling sessions.

[Onthemountaintop]

*IC asked me to examine ways H might have felt inadequate (contributing to the home, being able to console me after my mother died, my pushing him away and distancing myself in my grief, my absorbing myself in work to avoid my sadness).
*She then asked me to examine ways that H was helpful during my difficult times (his physical presence was what I determined was most helpful, though that was not the only thing. Just having him near was incredibly comforting).

Wow - your IC got that much out of you in a session! Don't thank your IC alone, it is your good attitude toward really figuring things out to make yourself a stronger number 8 that makes the biggest difference.

*IC said that at some point (when H is ready to listen in an open and non-judgmental way), I can acknowledge why I might have done some of the things I did. I could also share what he did that was helpful to me and what I appreciate.

No matter what he says or does, every man loves to feel they did something right...sharing that will be very reassuring for him. How do you think it would make your feel to share it? What evidence would you need to see to know he's ready to listen?

She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.

Boy, do we all get that. The hardest part for me is not doing the blaming myself in maksed subtleties! It definately takes a willingness from both. In Retrouvaille, that was one thing they stressed that floored me. The decision to love, to commit, to forgive, etc were all decisions that need to be made for a healthy R.

For stress, on my hike I found a rock that fit my hand perfectly to remind me of the peace I felt alone in the breeze. I told my daughter as a joke it was my stress ball. She said, "wow - you must have a lot of stress!"

I'd love to hear more about the breathing technique if you want to share it later on.

Enjoy your reading and 180s~

[flowmom]

8, glad to read about your progress. Hope you're giving thought to "courtship 8"

[rr22]

N8:She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.



Listen to this as you make your plans for the next year.

A lot of good points in there.

[rr22]

I also think you should not underestimate the "grass is greener" draw. New woman will make all pain go away without me doing anything to work on my own issues! New woman will have no problems, or less, and bring "happiness." Your H's chronic job dissatisfaction and life dissatisfaction sounds like they have been long term with all the job switching. When stuff was better between you two, did you distract him from that reality? And then when your mom died, did you stop helping distracting him with "love" from his life and career dissatisfaction? He may just want a new distraction if he's not going to deal with that.

[Number 8]

8 I am glad to hear that you are breathing. Also, I think I want to hire you as note taker for my counseling sessions.

Thanks, mrbt. I'm glad to find myself breathing, too.

I would LOVE to be your note-taker! I think that I am a fine note-taker, and I have beautiful penmanship (if I do say so myself).

[Number 8]

*IC asked me to examine ways H might have felt inadequate (contributing to the home, being able to console me after my mother died, my pushing him away and distancing myself in my grief, my absorbing myself in work to avoid my sadness).
*She then asked me to examine ways that H was helpful during my difficult times (his physical presence was what I determined was most helpful, though that was not the only thing. Just having him near was incredibly comforting).

Wow - your IC got that much out of you in a session! Don't thank your IC alone, it is your good attitude toward really figuring things out to make yourself a stronger number 8 that makes the biggest difference.

Thanks for saying that. I really am trying, and it feels good to learn things and figure out things about yourself.

*IC said that at some point (when H is ready to listen in an open and non-judgmental way), I can acknowledge why I might have done some of the things I did. I could also share what he did that was helpful to me and what I appreciate.

No matter what he says or does, every man loves to feel they did something right...sharing that will be very reassuring for him. How do you think it would make your feel to share it? What evidence would you need to see to know he's ready to listen?

Thanks for letting me know that this would be very reassuring to him. I would feel better sharing it, and I would hope that it might be a step in drawing him closer to me.

As far as knowing that he's ready to listen, I don't know what the evidence would be. The most obvious would be that he would listen to what I have to say and not interrupt or be defensive. I often wonder if a letter would be a better idea.

She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.

Boy, do we all get that. The hardest part for me is not doing the blaming myself in maksed subtleties! It definately takes a willingness from both. In Retrouvaille, that was one thing they stressed that floored me. The decision to love, to commit, to forgive, etc were all decisions that need to be made for a healthy R.

I have worked very hard to avoid blaming, and I'm proud of how I've held my tongue. However, when I listen to what he says about me, it's hard not to get into that pattern, too.

At this point, he is unwilling to work on our marriage or work on positive change for us. He wants out, and that's it. I can only do so much on my own, but I won't give up.

For stress, on my hike I found a rock that fit my hand perfectly to remind me of the peace I felt alone in the breeze. I told my daughter as a joke it was my stress ball. She said, "wow - you must have a lot of stress!"

I could probably turn a rock to dust at times! I know all about the stress!

I'd love to hear more about the breathing technique if you want to share it later on.

I will. I have more lessons next week, and I'll post after my session ends. I've really struggled today with breathing, but I'm going to spend the rest of my evening resting and taking it easy.

Enjoy your reading and 180s~

Thank you! I love getting new books, and who doesn't love a workbook??

[Number 8]

8, glad to read about your progress. Hope you're giving thought to "courtship 8"

Thanks, flowmom! I'm glad that I'm progressing, even if it's on my own for now.

I have been thinking about courtship 8, and she might be ready to reemerge soon. She has some new makeup and a new skirt, so she is preparing for her big debut.