Well, I gloated too quickly. I didn't even take my H 4 hours to figure out I'd changed his tracking status on Gmail. How do I know he knew? Well, he forgot to delete the history that showed him clicking through his settings, etc. in GMAIL. Unfortunately, the history also showed a chat between him/her that ocurred at 12:19 am last night. And of course, despite an agreement THE DAY BEFORE not to delete anything from her, he did delete it. The history even showed him trashing the message.
I drove to his place of bizness unannounced and asked him to meet up for a conversation. As pup suggested, I gave him the chance to come clean . . . after himming and hawing for about 5 minutes, he finally spit out that he'd been GMAIL chatting with her . . . but only to help her understand why he'd been cutting it off. And I guess my wanting him not to delete said messages is an invasion of his privacy, according to him. The only reason I feel dirty about allowing him a chance to be honest is that I had to act on an earlier threat to not allow him home - otherwise it was an empty threat. I gave him a chance to redeem himself, though, by deleting her from both messenger programs so that he only spoke to her through transparent medium, and he said no. Said I was crazy. He chose to not come home instead . . .
So, on the way home from his work I called his mom and exposed. I did it as suggested, by being calm and explaining that I love Paul and our family and I'm hoping she can help encourage him to do the right thing. She was supportive and said she's sorry I'm going through this. I also called a mutual friend of our and got the same result.
My one worry is that perhaps this was just a friendship and my husband made all the wrong decisions. After all, I have no conclusive proof of his emotional feelings for her OR any physical contact. I'm just going on the amount of contact, the lies, the covering up, deleted messages, etc . . . oh and his clinging to this "friendship" at the constant expense of his family.
So, going forward, I'm not sure what to do. I think it goes something like "GAL," "don't initiate contact," etc. In that respect, I'd like advice for how to negotiate this when we have a 4 year old child together. He makes it clear that he loves her tremendously and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I have to deal with him in regards to her. The other thing is that of course it's hard to GAL when you've got a small child and not much help or money to hire help. Suggestions there are appreciated.
Also, wondering about exposure and whether or not I should contact her or her boyfriend. My gut tells me that her boyfriend and she are possibly on the outs, but there is no confirmation. Of course if either of them (OW or OW's boyfriend)think this is truly just a friendship then I could make myself look like an ass to them. And, they're both coworkers to my H so that might make a possible reconciliation with him tough.
