I am ok. I signed the paper and am doing nothing with it... who am I kidding! I dont want a D! I have this vision of shredding the papers and stuffing the shreds in a ziplock, telling H to come pick up the papers and handing him the bag of confetti. The thought of it makes me happy.
I have given up on crying and pleading. I do well with NC, and then one thing makes me sad, or angry, or make me think of H and then i get the urge to text! Today... I was very good and did nothing. Maybe because I know it not only pushes H further away, but I know that H for whatever reason does not want me in his life. Not sure he ever will. Right now, I can not think of the future... just need to take care of me right now!
Trying to keep myself busy and staying positive... doesnt always work, i do have at least one crying episode a day... i ask myself so many questions, i blame myself for things that went wrong, i try to think of how to save my H and think bc i was 'that person' in his life to always bail him out of his feelings, or the one to pick him up, and well, i am learning that I am and never was responsibile for any of it. I told H a while back that I take 100% responsibility for my part in what went wrong in our M. and I stand by that entirely. But we had no real issues that could not be fixed, no huge issues that were reasons for him to leave. I am truly learning to detach. For me and for him. Its the only way I could help him...by letting go. And more over, its the best way to help me and my son.
MIL and FIL came over last week. Thy are so sad w/ H. they want to help with the baby furniture and their family wants to help out with baby gifts... its so hard bc they were my family for so long. I'm sure H loves this. They were so loving and we didnt talk about H. We talked about the baby and me... the only time they brought up H was to say they are praying so hard and not giving up on how H felt for me. They think he will come around... I said I prayed to everyone and anyone and im not sure anything will bring H home... it made them sad... made me sadder... but they said they are not giving up.
My last conversation with H, he said he does miss us sometimes, but wouldnt say what he missed, bc he said then I would say 'we can get that back', and said he loved me and truly wanted to start a family with me in the fall, and again when i asked then how do you have a change of heart so suddenly, he refuses to answer, and simple says we are not going through this again. Again? he never had a reason!!!! its times like these, that i realize, he doesnt even really know why he left... he just had something overwhelmingly huge come over him and convince him it was the right thing to do.
H wants to be involved with baby 100%. I said absolutely not. As for now, this day, this week, i need to 'fake it' and make him think this is how it will be. I can not show him that I will forgive him. Or that I will make it easy for him. H needs to see the repurcussions of his actions. I nall of this I truly feel he is dillusional and relies on the fact that I am a good person and care for him so much, that I would sacrifice my love and feelings to have him be a part of the baby's life! I was sooooo upset, H said 'you are so predicatable'. That was the final straw that made me see that I WAS JUST DOING EVERYTHING HE EXPECTED! The calls, the cries, the pleading, the fighting.... HELLO!!!!! It was like MWD was on my shoulder saying... told you so!
i ended the conversation by saying that I agree with the D. And that with everything in me that loved him and was in love with, is not turning to anger and hatred. Said I dont think we can ever get past what he did and i am not capable of forgiving him. I told him of all of the stupid things in our M that made me upset. It was stupid to do so, but i felt like i wanted him to know, I didnt think we were this perfect couple... and we both had faults and we both couldve wanted things differntly. But most of all, we couldve worked on things togetehr for the better. (this is my 180 as H often said you act like we never had problems... sad to say, but we really didnt )i also told him how I felt with his going back to school, and h putting himself first and so on... I ended it by saying I agree this is the best thing for us and I am falling out of love with you too now.
An hour later, he sent a text saying "im sorry I made you feel that way"...
i ignored the text. Went to bed. Didnt write back, even when i really wanted to. Today... I was good, no calls, no texts. I am grey! not going completely dark... just being me. Living life for me. If H wants to be in my life, or my son's life, he needs to fight for it. i need to have him drop a LOVE BOMB and fight for us... yes us... not just me, not just baby.
H says baby has nothing to do with me. And when we talk if we talk about the baby, its fine, but no reason to bring us up. I said we are a package deal! Its either you are our family or nothing at all!
Now... lets see how long I can keep this up... so far... 22 hours... and going strong!
