This is getting distressingly close to sounding like the WAS club...
You all fell in love with the person you married, flaws and all. It was all ok for years...until they decided to leave you. Don't do the same thing so many of THEM do - go back and paint the past ugly.
Broken things can be fixed.
There are NO perfect spouses.
Make sure BEFORE committing to a RELATIONSHIP with anyone.
Better yet, make sure YOU have put the old relationship to rest FIRST. (and I'm not talking about what your spouse is doing here)
It's never as bad as we try to make it sound, and it's never as good as we try to make it sound.
Marriage is for life. At least that's how I see it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You all fell in love with the person you married, flaws and all. It was all ok for years...until they decided to leave you. Don't do the same thing so many of THEM do - go back and paint the past ugly.
I don't think most of us, well me anyway, would paint the entire past M ugly. The last 3 years though, having an A with a married woman with kids, ditching the kids when he promised to take them somewhere when OW called and wanted him to go with her; texting OW non-stop in front of me and the kids. Yelling, lots of anger. Sometimes ugly is ugly.
Quote:
Broken things can be fixed.
Yes, but broken relationships can only be fixed if there are 2 people willing to work on them.
If you come here, it's presumably because you made the decision at some point that you wanted to try to save the marriage, flaws and all.
And yes, the recent past is often ugly and definitely NOT something we would want back.
But the danger is allowing the recent past to color all the past. That's what most of our spouses did. How many of us have heard how "the marriage was always bad," or "I stopped loving you long ago."
I refuse to fall in to that trap.
My first marriage is over and I don't want it back. But that's not because it was all bad, much as my ex would try to have some believe. I had over 20 years, two amazing boys, and years and years of memories that say otherwise.
Yes, I can look back now much more honestly and say that there were problems. And in the aftermath of the destruction that my ex left behind, there was no chance that I wanted to go back.
But if you're still here, in Newcomers no less, I assume that you're still making that decision.
All I'm saying is, don't take the same slash and burn approach that our ex'es took. Be honest, even critical, but acknowledge both the good and bad. And most importantly, don't allow a potential relationship with a new person to be justified by casting stones on what you had once with your spouse.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
There was definitely more good than bad. I do not regret my marraige. It was a blessing over many years. Yeah it's easy to be angry but the heartbreak really stems from the expectation that it would last a lifetime - a reasonable expectation. But that doesn't take away really from what it was while it was.
BillM, you speak the truth when you say the hearbreak stems from the expectation that it would last a lifetime! I totally thought we'd be together forever.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
BillM, you speak the truth when you say the hearbreak stems from the expectation that it would last a lifetime! I totally thought we'd be together forever.
My wife and I are still together, she's just stepped out for a few years to pick up groceries!
SR - there were a lot of people here that helped me through some very tough days, I'm happy to share my experiences with doing this in CA. Figuring this stuff out is overwhelming.
I read some of my posts from last summer, and want to give a special word of thanks to Karen - you were consistantly there every step of the way.
BillM, I can't thank you enough for how helpful your info has been to me! Thanks!!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
No prob, man - let me know if you have other questions.
It's funny the observations you make about yourself. I've been talking very little to W this week. I drop the kids off, and pick them up, and say very little.
At the same time, I'm noticing that I've got a lot more energy and am fired up regarding my job this week.
Just an observed correlation, but if you think about the emotional energy you put into things, where it goes, and how things REALLY affect you - I think I'm starting to put things into place.
TM mentioned to me the intentional nature of W's timing of asking for D - right after 10 year anniversery (which makes a difference in CA), and like 2 weeks after she had her tummy tuck (Oh! Joint debt, how about that). Kind of confirmed what I had thought, but W swore up and down that there was no correlation.
And I think again - oh yeah, she lied about seeing OM, right to my face, said "I would do nothing that's hurtful to you" WHILE SHE WAS ON THE ROAD TO SEE HIM. I'm a sucker for believing what STBXW says. Well, I was.
I didn't ask any more questions to TM, it honestly doesn't matter at this point, and I don't want to dwell in the drama. But I just suddenly realized - I really don't want to talk to STBXW now, really at all.
Well, she's still my ride on Friday for this medical procedure, but happily I'll be recovering from anesthesia for the ride home.
