So w/ some testing I learned that W is not at all motivated as she said she was. I call L next week, and begin the process.
w is damaged goods- I contacted MIl and let her know about the drugs- there is no fallout as of yet, MIL actually suspected and thanked me.
I am worried for W, but I cannot let it affect me anymore..I have been NC now for a few days.
I e-mailed W asking her to contemplate her motivations and if her timing was at all based on: failed R w/ OM living w/ MIL depression and learning I am ready to walk
She was belligerent in her response. After hanging out for a day I was met w/ all the same:
I don't have those feelings, I'm not happy, I'm not fit to be in a R, I need help, what if the feelings don't come back, I can't just pretend, do you want me to live like this, I don't know how to be a W, u deserve better, there's no passion, etc, etc...
There is no OM anymore, she's probably in withdrawal, we spoke of heavy things, so there was no joy or laughs (big no-no).
After her pursuit (about a week) I caved and met w/ her...my mistake!!
I do have loving feelings for W, but I only saw pain in her eyes...I cannot save her-
In a way, I love her b/c I'm supposed to, I am still attracted to her...though I no longer know her...
Naturally, she gives no definitive status- perhaps we one day start dating each other, she suggested...this after her begging for MC and going to any lengths...
I know that I effd up by making myself too available, by having no assigned value by doing so...
BUT- my goal is not the M- it's in there somewhere, but I really want to move n w/ my life.
I feel badly being ready to file when W is seeking IC, but there is no way I'm going to wait things out for her to finish IC then D me anyway...
I will not pursue- though simply seeing her and hearing her state things I've always wanted to hear does "make" me want her in my life...I do miss her as my friend, companion, and confidant- BUT these things she is not, and hasn't been for nearly 8 months.
I feel good, I am glad the "fall" was so short and not spread out over weeks or months...she is still a WAS through and through- she just needed to know I was still around, and I gave that to her.
I'm saddened that she is so miserable, I am saddened that she has so much pain.
But my life isn't so bad- it's just missing a familiar face- but at this point her's is merely a face in the crowd...
for those of you still reading, thank you...I will take some time to catch up on other's sitches.
