Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[AJM]

You are still trying to make sense of it. Can I tell you something you already know? (I will say it anyway - for us both

You can't make sense of something that is crazy. It's not meant to be made sense of. Imagine how confusing it is for him as well right? And he is the one doing it. If he can't explain it, neither can you.

I think what you describe is about par for the course. To sum it up:
He believes you are the root of all evil in the world. It's all your fault. Everything. The collapse of the marriage, the children not wanting to talk to him, earthquakes in Chile, the recession, the sun not shining the way he likes it. All of it.

Your expectations of him being a "normal" father? Really? I know you are venting, but figured I'd point out the obvious

He will look at everyone else and figure they are the best thing in the world and deserving of his support and friendship. As in myopathy, you are not present in that circle of his vision. A big blind spot where once you were the center of the universe as he knew it. In his mind, it is likely the "right" thing to do to get rid of you. Now he only has to justify it so it is not his fault and he can be the wounded and abused spousal unit. So what if he has to twist the truth a bit? If he were to tell the truth, then he's the one that is messed up and has a lot of work to do and a lot of scary things to face. But if he lies about it to himself....well, that's different. Eventually he will convince himself. People that know him for about 5 minutes will see it, but he won't listen if I had to guess.

He has to work through this. In the end of it, he may not come to the truth. He may come to the truth and not come back to you and admit what that is. Sadly, they do have to go through this in some way.

I've likened it before to having an emotional stroke. Hard to tell the damage that has occurred but it's there. And they need pain to fuel themselves forward and to gain their emotional health again. They will do anything to get it back. It's imperative.

They will surround themselves with some of the biggest losers you've ever seen in your entire life. They will feel like those people "get it" and understand that you are satan incarnate sent to break him down and cause him grief.

And years from now they will not remember the details of the pain and heartache and disappointment they have caused you.

From your perspective he is crazy. Lost. Searching. From his, you did this. You are the reason for the crazy season and his kids are taking your side because they don't know any better. From his perspective he'll tell people that "there are two sides to every story - please don't judge." I've seen it from both sides (not me - I had a neighbor that took a ride on the crazy train). I'm living it now with my STBX that I am still in the same house with. It's nuts. It's inexplicable to see what they do to try and paint pictures that support their view and dis-remember the past good memories. It's as if they put 1000% effort into making you the bad person and the reason they are leaving.

My thought is that for them to face reality is really that much more painful than losing you. They can't be happy either way and they choose the one thing they can try and control - their relationship with you. They tell themselves whatever it takes to make that happen. At your cost.

My suggestion? Keep posting. Keep detaching. Keep swimming. You cannot figure out what they are going through or why it started. You may have a good idea of the background that led to it. But you may as well be talking to a red rubber ball.

Keep posting. I think you have a great writing style and I think it helps to post. It has helped me. That and therapy of course... But I don't discount talking to people that can relate. People such as yourself.

Remember it is not over until you say it is over. When you do say it is over, there is no more that he can do to hurt you. By that I mean you will be done and whatever he does won't affect you. He will continue to try for as long as you let him. I think you are doing a remarkable job of staying objective and that is incredibly helpful. I think you found something else out about those-who's-soul-the-aliens-stole: they go through friends like cheap suits. That woman friend? She is just a friend. It may not be what he wants and it may be. But they are just friends and nothing more sometimes. If you befriend them, you poison the pond and they need to find other friends. Choose whom you befriend carefully because they will need these friends as they search for themselves. And they will discard them over time as they use them up and no longer need them. They will see them differently and figure out they don't like them. They will use them for the fuel they can't get from us to propel themselves through this process. They are in desperate need to do so.

Oh. And remember that they may look unhappy to you. And they are. But they will be different around other people. Almost normal to many. It's bizarre how it just all of a sudden (to us anyway) happened overnight. Like an emotional stroke.

Keep up the PMA too. It's important. Make new friends to go with the old ones. Try not to tell too many old friends about what is going on for now. Come up with a story and give it out. Close friends of yours? Sure. Those that are mutual and not as close? Try not to.

I really do enjoy your writing style. I'm sorry it's here but keep posting.

AJ