At this point (sadly) Luv's H has no desire or intention of working on himself, ending his A's OR working on the marriage.
He has cut her and the children off financially without a care in the world as to how they will eat, get medical care or anything else for that matter. He waited until he was clear across the country to make sure his family had NOTHING. Does that sound like somebody who wants to be a better man at this time?
Yes, it is VERY hard when one spouse realizes there are other options to improve a R but one can only take it so far. On the flip side of that Luv's H took it too far in the other direction and now it is not longer a "rescue" situation but one where her first order of business is protection.
OTMT - you can ignore me on your thread which is why I stopped posting to you as you only seem to like the advice of one person. That is fine. I understand you went to Retro and are trying to use the techniques you learned there but suggesting pursuit and books when Mr. Luv has essentially left his family and hung them out to dry is very puzzling.
No matter what problems you have with your W would you dream of cutting off your W and children and not even leaving them a dime for food? That is beyond cruel and certainly not the way to get anything accomplished except a costly and stressful legal battle.
So, yes, it would hurt to hand a man a copy of a book that can't even muster the courtesy to let his W of almost two decades know he is taking off across the country and while he is gone he is cutting them off.
I don't really know anybody that wants to be divorced but sometimes when there are MANY issues that have an immediate "life or death" consequence we have to do things that we just don't want to do.
At this point (sadly) Luv's H has no desire or intention of working on himself, ending his A's OR working on the marriage.
CG - you make some good points about why she shouldn't bother. He really has done some nasty things.
I guess I push toward hope rather than away, unless Luv says that she doesn't love him at all. But she does. That doesn't mean the R is healthy, nor will be.
So I push for hope. If/when a D is final, then I figure never look back in regret - enjoy the good and move on. Until then...try the things that haven't been tried.
Pursuit only matters when there is a risk of chasing them off. I think there is no risk anymore for her...
At this point (sadly) Luv's H has no desire or intention of working on himself, ending his A's OR working on the marriage.
He has cut her and the children off financially without a care in the world as to how they will eat, get medical care or anything else for that matter. He waited until he was clear across the country to make sure his family had NOTHING. Does that sound like somebody who wants to be a better man at this time?
Yes, it is VERY hard when one spouse realizes there are other options to improve a R but one can only take it so far. On the flip side of that Luv's H took it too far in the other direction and now it is not longer a "rescue" situation but one where her first order of business is protection.
OTMT - you can ignore me on your thread which is why I stopped posting to you as you only seem to like the advice of one person. That is fine. I understand you went to Retro and are trying to use the techniques you learned there but suggesting pursuit and books when Mr. Luv has essentially left his family and hung them out to dry is very puzzling.
No matter what problems you have with your W would you dream of cutting off your W and children and not even leaving them a dime for food? That is beyond cruel and certainly not the way to get anything accomplished except a costly and stressful legal battle.
So, yes, it would hurt to hand a man a copy of a book that can't even muster the courtesy to let his W of almost two decades know he is taking off across the country and while he is gone he is cutting them off.
I don't really know anybody that wants to be divorced but sometimes when there are MANY issues that have an immediate "life or death" consequence we have to do things that we just don't want to do.
Not piling on OTMT, but I am with CG here. There is NOTHING good that could come from giving him a copy of any book like that.
I think every human being on the planet needs hope. Without it what would we have? Unfortunately though there are times in life when we have to keep our home *somewhere* while making rational decisions for self protection.
This holds especially true in a divorce situation (IMO). It is one thing to say "I'm done" or make a clear statement that you want out. It is something else to put your family in harms way and force them to go without the basics ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.
When certain legal things happen, then yes, pursuit of any kind can open up a can of worms that can be very, very bad. Sometimes once legal proceedings begin or are set to begin we (general we) have to do things according to the plan of an attny, not a DB'ing plan. It is NOT an easy place to be.
While a book or pursuit might not "chase him off" his past behaviors when things do not go how he likes have been, well, let's just say not good. So it's not so much about not chase him off but reducing the stress for Luv and her children.
While I hardly ever agree with what you say I do think it is very good you remain hopeful and you try in the best way you can to communicate. But much of what you advice is pursuit and really can make things worse.
OT - I understand where you are coming from. I know you are just trying to encourage saving the marriage. I know. I wish more than anyone that I could but this is my husband's choice...not mine. I never wanted this.
CG - You have some very important things to say...and especially from experience. Thank you for the well articulated arguments.
GIMA - thanks for stopping by
SOL - I contacted my L
Last edited by luvless; 04/27/1007:11 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
But much of what you advice is pursuit and really can make things worse.
If I hadn't "pursued", I'd have gotten nowhere in my M. I also know that is true for some others. So I suggest the option. I also often remind the thread owner often that it is just my opinion and to consider it as such.
Luv: I think your last message kind of says it all. As a reader, I can't imagine what you are truly going through. It sounds awful. But I have this feeling that inside you is the strength to make calm, careful choices for your kids, yourself, and your M or D. You seem to be feeling overwhelmed, but that pool maybe just one part of the solution.
What about taking a trip with your kids to the mountains in your area or somewhere that you haven't gone but always wanted to? Would that be affordable and possible so that you don't just have to wait around wondering?
Thanks James & Gardener I'll take the hug - I need it.
Well friends....I filed yesterday and the man who is no longer my H is getting served tonight at his hotel. I am feeling anxiety about it right now. I feel sad. I guess when he sees the paperwork he won't care...he'll just get angry. Then again I don't know why this is what he wanted
All of a sudden I feel my dinner wanting to come up. ugh
One day I'll post something happy and of good nature...I hope it's sooner than later.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
