how do i keep my hope alive?

[Vulcanized]

i don't know, OTM. even in the stages of working out the agreement, he keeps saying, see, i try so hard and it's never enough...still not enough. i'm sure he feels like negotiating the terms of our agreement is just one more example of how i feel like nothing he ever does is good enough. but i'd be living in la-la land if i accepted his terms and let him ride around on a motorcycle that i was liable for.

Exactly. H wants things the way his way. No surprise there. The terms of agreement are the consequence of his choices.

he has told me straight up that i may not be able to see it now, but that this is best for both of us in the long run. that we can love and respect each other, but that doesn't mean we can share our lives together. in an email yesterday, he said he couldn't ignore what had happened (what? him leaving me 4 times?), who we were, and he couldn't "come back" to our M. whatever that means.

Blah, blah, blah, script, BS, justification, shirking any/all responsibility. I've gotten this speech from H myself. Every time I hear it, I picture a clucking hen. Helps me not internalize/believe the b.s. my H is throwing in the path.

my mother insists that he just doesn't want to be married. that the mistakes i made weren't deal breakers and that he just wanted to walk away from this with his hands clean. i'm inclined to agree with her for once. i have my faults for sure, but, i've always been faithful, i adore him, i support him (obviously not financially) and now it's MY turn to say that no matter what i do...it's just never enough for him.

I feel you. I'm there w/my H, too. The first few months, I agonized over everything my H said I did wrong. [And boy was that a long, frequently updated list] Now, I've been thinking alot about the things H did wrong [and that gets updated frequently, as well]

You are right: the mistakes you made were just that, mistakes. They become deal breakers when WA needs a reason to leave. You know the truth about your M/H. Don't let [well meaning] other's tell you differently [even the board].

Hang in there. (((tta)))