but how do I confront him when he denies having an affair and just gets upset that I keep askiing him?
With evidence.
Katie, Look at his cell phone records. Get to his email if you can. Document - literally keep a journal of when he takes his cell into the bathroom. Get a history that you can LOOK AT and cannot be dissuaded of.
Then you go to him and you say, "H, I know that you are having an affair. I have evidence and certainty on this matter. I have decided that I will not live in an open marriage. Will you end this affair and be transparent (keep your cell phone unlocked and your email available) so that I can know you do not have contact with OW?" If he says 'yes', then thank him for doing this for the family and do the work to heal the wound. That will probably mean counseling, lots of talking and TIME. This is the part where both of you put your heads together and agree how to reconcile.
If he says 'no' to any part of that last question about ending the affair and no contact, you say, "I will begin interviewing lawyers in the morning to protect myself and my family from what you are doing."
AND THAT IS IT! You do not argue. You do not bargain. You do not show him your evidence. And if he asks, you say "I'm not sharing that with you. You and I both know the facts of what you are doing." PERIOD.
Don't worry about what if this and what if that. The BOTTOM LINE, woman, is that YOU lay down this boundary and guard it. Your husband sleeping with, sharing affection with, being secret with another woman is a non-negotiable and by God if you won't for that, Katie, you won't fight for anything.
Get me? Greek
Last edited by Greek; 04/26/1007:44 PM.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Doing good the last day or so. I have been ignoring any comments he makes to me over text or in person. I think it is ticking him off that I am not fighting back and arguing with him so he keeps trying to contact me to see if I will play the blame game.
Doing good the last day or so. I have been ignoring any comments he makes to me over text or in person. I think it is ticking him off that I am not fighting back and arguing with him so he keeps trying to contact me to see if I will play the blame game.
EXCELLENT!!!
It takes two to have an argument. Stay dark, except about the kids!
I know it feels really good, almost like the ball is in my court now! Is it because they are so use to you arguing back that they don't know how to react when you don't? I also gave him info about a mediator that I talked to on the phone and he kept texting me about other things and I just responded with the mediators name and number. He then calls me and asks me why I don't respond to his other messages and I just say I am done arguing and am going to be civil and figure out the best way to handle this, he was really suprised and didn't have anything to say back to that.
Arguing is, ultimately, a "control" thing. When you are REACTIVE in your relationships, you give the other person control. When you DON'T react, to things that are urgent to THEM at the moment, or when they're merely trying to "fight-pick," and instead are PROACTIVE about things that are important to YOU, you gain back CONTROL of your own life and happiness.
There will be a time, if and when your husband decides he wants to fully commit to your marriage, when you can place a much higher priority on his concerns. But in his current state, he's not to be trusted and not to be responded to unless it's about the kids.
Thank you so much for all your help. I don't know why it is so hard to do what I know works. I do so well for days and then I mess up and it all goes down the drain. He also said that if I would have been like I was by not arguing with him and talking to him, then we wouldn't be where we are today as far as in crisis and getting close to divorcing or divorcing I should say. My response was I understand your thoughts and that is why I gave you the mediators number if you need to contact him in anyway. He didn't say anything after that the phone call ended on my end!!!
Yeah, we should have warned you, he will definitely give you a "Why weren't you like this BEFORE???" complaint. It's very much wayward "SCRIPT." The best way to answer is:
"I understand. All I can tell you is that I'm trying to make improvements to myself, that I know I need to make REGARDLESS of what happens between you and me."
Good advice! I did tell him I planned on going to counseling for myself because these improvements that I am doing for myself regardless of what happens to us are going to stay forever and I want to be the best person I can!!! It is kind of fun to do this and see what his reactions are like because he is so flabergasted at me!!
If you can get into the whole "gamesmanship" of the thing, the whole just "studying the human behavior experiment" part of it . . . it definitely helps. Some people can pull that off, and others can't.
