Better Days

[NoLongerHere]

Maybe V1, but I don't think so.

We're still very transparent with each other, and she still tells me things that are on her mind (and frequently says, I don't know why I'm telling you this, or I should tell you this). She is still struggling with not treating me as her "best friend" at times. The weird thing is that we can and do come back to that after some very bad contention.

But, she has been trying hard to maintain boundaries with the physical affection. For that matter I've been maintaining the boundries too. I don't think that was her intention.

Because she knows - that would screw her up too.
Which is maybe a good point that popped into my head just now - I think we're BOTH starting to "get it" regarding that part of the detachment.

OK things to do - I've got a bunch of lumber now. Need to eat. It's Saturday, off the computer.

I like yoga BTW. Wish I could do it more than every other weekend.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Bworl, it was my fault for asking BillM those questions - I was curious about what all of it meant to him. Like in my case I can't even imagine her in bed with someone else! Oh the little strips of film that play in my head...painful painful! For all I know she could already be with OM

Sorry I digress...BillM, your head is in the right place for where you want to go and good job on being relatively content in your current life.

[karen43]

I picked up the kids today. Just kept it businesslike. She made a point of telling me I'm a good dad.

Good for keeping it businesslike. You ARE a good dad; shouldn't matter whether she notices or comments on that.

And - just got off the phone with her, talking for over an hour. And it's that whole "I don't know what to do with you" thing. Yeah, that, this situation sucks but let's just talk to each other for a little while...

Ok, an hour, and sounds like you weren't at all just focused on the kids. You need to detach more (some at least) and this does not help. Discuss what you need to about kids or business, and then end the call. If you have a lot of GALing planned, you won't be able to talk for an hour anyway.

She wanted me to say she's a good mom.

This is the kind of stuff you both shouldn't be doing. It's no longer her or your place to judge each other or critique your parenting. If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to look for validation elsewhere, and you shouldn't be doing that.

- but - what a WASTE. I do wish I could have been a better man - wiser, stronger, more supportive, more in touch, whatever it was, whatever my part was. Squandered.

I've had those kind of thoughts too, but how I try to deal with those is realize you can't change the past; you did the best you could at the time. You realize you have issues to work on, so take that energy about thinking of the past and use it instead to focus on making those changes now. Make yourself the better man today and every day. I also think none of us are perfect, we all maybe focus too much on the kids or work or whatever, but our spouses don't all go off and have affairs. So don't beat yourself up.

It's funny, you think about what you want - if you could fix it - and would you do it - and I want that girl I married, not trying to fix the wreckage we have now. I've asked her before - ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? WHERE ARE YOU? I asked her tonight, what happened to that girl?

I've had those thoughts too. I think I loved/love the boy/man I was married to the first 18 years or so, but the last 3 years, don't like or love that guy. And you need to stop asking her questions like where are you? People change; she probably doesn't know herself. And if you're detached as you should be, you should be focused on yourself and your boys, and not your W so much.

Ok, sorry to be so critical today. It IS good you're doing better on maintaining your physical boundaries, but you still need to work on the emotional boundaries at this point.

[NoLongerHere]

Dang, I had a message typed out and accidentally killed the window. $#^&

OK, brief version. Karen, no I'm not taking it as critical. I'm self reporting, and the things you say don't surprise me, you're helping me reconcile the gap between what I know and my behavior. Anyway, things are falling into place I think a little more, our conversation tonight when I picked up the kids was pretty neutral.

I'm pretty happy with myself this weekend, doing a home improvement project, got the grocery shopping and laundry done, cut the grass, did the yoga class, learned a new song. Long way from spending the weekend brooding in a chair, months ago. I did have that moment when I completed what I was doing for the house, that I wanted W to see, as a partner in our home. I guess I'll continue to have those moments.

I'm pondering what to think about triplet mom (TM from here on). Talked to her yesterday briefly (she's back in town) and told her that STBXW is still very angry with her and is basically going to let her have it and - how to put it? Revoke her friendship. Yes my friends, this is the woman I had that brief relationship with last fall (this was after the divorce was in progress, I had confronted W with lying about the OM and told her I was done, press on with the D, I'm good to go). STBXW doesn't know about this... but basically, after a conversation with STBXW, TM declared that it was clear to her we were going to reconcile and bowed out. She saw I guess that same back-and-forth that I've reported on here. Well, that's the simple version anyway.

I guess it was Dec that we had done a couple of things together with the kids (they are all friends), and W told her to cut it out and it wasn't cool. I've talked to her semi-regularly since then, and she's been a good supportive friend, but since I've been back in the house she has dropped in with her kids (yeah, she lives a couple of streets away). And she asked me to look after her older son while she was out of town. So STBXW is upset. And honestly, I can understand why.

Ah, well I might as well spill it all now, yeah we shared a brief moment of affection last time she was here.

I'm not sure what she wants (and not sure she knows), but I know deep down that this has all the makings for bad news. And I recognize from what's happened already that my judgment is NOT GOOD in this case.

My boys ask regularly if the triplets can come over. See? What a nice mess. So, like I said, I'm pondering what to think.

Karen and Bill have commented on this situation before, I'm bracing for the 2x4s. (remember I said that I self-report?)

[NoLongerHere]

She wanted me to say she's a good mom.

This is the kind of stuff you both shouldn't be doing. It's no longer her or your place to judge each other or critique your parenting. If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to look for validation elsewhere, and you shouldn't be doing that.

I know... this was in response to me telling her how disgusted I was about her proposal. I implied that she was not a good mom in the things I said. So, I guess at the moment I saw it as a fair thing to ask afirmation for.

- but - what a WASTE. I do wish I could have been a better man - wiser, stronger, more supportive, more in touch, whatever it was, whatever my part was. Squandered.

I've had those kind of thoughts too, but how I try to deal with those is realize you can't change the past; you did the best you could at the time. You realize you have issues to work on, so take that energy about thinking of the past and use it instead to focus on making those changes now. Make yourself the better man today and every day. I also think none of us are perfect, we all maybe focus too much on the kids or work or whatever, but our spouses don't all go off and have affairs. So don't beat yourself up.

I'm realizing that I suppose. Thanks for saying this, it helps reinforce my thinking. It's funny, I'm much more the man right now that STBXW wanted to be married to. That part is frustrating. But if there's an upside to all this, I'm taking a lot of positive from this experience.

Thanks Karen. You're always great.

[v1olin]

So, you have a connection with triplet mom? Are you forgetting that your wife left you for another man? Your wife has no place at all to be angry about this situatiion. If it were me I would tell my wife to put up or shut up!

[NoLongerHere]

She's not really angry at me anymore about it. She's angry with TM.

Yes, I definitely have a connection with her. But I'm also aware of how this whole D situation has messed with me and am aware of the need to be careful.

I had a long conversation with TM today. Summary is, she thinks W has made extremely poor choices (actually has said she's self-destructing previously; she told W she was going to regret D and tried to talk her out of it), and her behavior has changed over the recent months. She said that when the kids get together, the boys are better behaved with me, and that they all (I guess meaning including the triplets) prefer it when they're with me. And she in the end said she prefers my friendship over W's anyway, that we are much more on the same wavelength.

She also said that, speaking just in general, she's not feeling compelled to be in any kind of relationship. That's kind of good news. There is definitely connection and affection, but if this is a friendship for a good while, that's much more my speed at this particular moment.

Funny - when we all first met years ago (local multiples group), she says they were puzzled about what I was doing with W. Meaning, I suppose, something like she was kind of a mess and I - what - wasn't I guess.

[v1olin]

That sounds healthy to me Geronimo. Just enjoy your new single life and your friendships with sane women!

[ClingingToHope]

I had a similar conversation a couple of months ago. I was out with a friend who was on a dance team with STBXW. She was at the wedding and they were taking bets on how long we'd last. She said no one thought we'd make it 10 years. She said STBXW is just so closed-off to the world and I'm the exact opposite so they couldn't understand how we got together in the first place.

Looking back, I saw some warning signals, but I was just so infatuated I figured I could make it work.

[NoLongerHere]

Thanks guys

Looking back, I saw some warning signals, but I was just so infatuated I figured I could make it work.

Yeah.

Honestly, for me, not only did I figure I could make it work; I thought I could "save" her.