Thank you Abbey, for your words of advice and wisdom. I have always been his floatation device, almost from the first day we met. The logical side of me knows I need to stop being that safety net for him. But the emotional side doesn't know how to let go and stop being there for him, he is my first and only love.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Thank you Abbey, for your words of advice and wisdom. I have always been his floatation device, almost from the first day we met. The logical side of me knows I need to stop being that safety net for him. But the emotional side doesn't know how to let go and stop being there for him, he is my first and only love.
When I've described that "arms length" time I imposed on my H,... I say it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Every emotion told me... draw him closer. Logically though, doing so would have been saying: go ahead, USE me.
No matter what happens... the next stage of your life has just started. You have the time now to grab control of how your H treats you. Yes, God's ultimate plan for you is His design, however, it's safe to say that you have a duty to your son and YOURSELF to get respect and to be treated properly.
This is a process,.... and frankly I'll say it again.. I still think you're still in the game. HOW you play it... (both for your own sanity)... and how it has potential to outcome,... that's where I advise you to do some very deep soul searching. You now have to let go, because it may not end up with you reconciling... HOWEVER!- When mine dumped me for that week. I let go. I gave up. Funny... just when I stopped holding on... he hit the rocks... and oddly ... began working very hard to "get back in".
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 04/27/1004:53 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Abbey, back in the winter I had reached the point where I was letting go. And that's when he started to really talk about reconciling. Like he knew that I was starting to pull away and he didn't want me to. But then when he drew me back in, had me back wanting him he changed his mind and started with the yo-yo routine. So I know that I need to get back to that point where I'm ready and starting to let go. But I'm afraid that I won't get there again.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Yes you will. You've already been down part of this road then, too. Basic human nature... wants what they can't have and they're normally creatures of habit. Your H proved it once already.
Step back... and breathe, this is not going to resolve itself in the next few days. You have *time* to work this out for yourself. *hugs* I remember my eyes felt like they were going to pop out, I was so upset. My body felt like it was floating without me having much say what it did and where it went. I was numb and being electrocuted all at the same time. I *know* how desperate this all feels right now. How *final* it all feels. That's actually your body saying: ENOUGH!... this is making me sick!
Still the fact is: NOOOOOW, this boy needs you more than ever. You're his life preserver. He's already shown when he's not ready... he'll yoyo... your mission now is to keep him at arms length. For YOUR own good, for his own good. This is a bump in the road. A big one mind you,... but you're not done yet. From what you've written here, I don't think this is a done deal yet. You did exactly like I did for the first half of the process back. I showed him the life preserver, gave him a taste of it. You showed him he's wanted. You showed him you're ready when he is. He's taken the bait... and he's got "those" good fuzzies to think back to when he starts to regret being with the OW. And he will. The guy was saying he wanted to leave her. You know that's not going to work out right... she's in quite the pickle... and she's going to beg and plead and ultimately as we know... it'll push him away in the process. Right?
Cutting down to the bare truth... you KNOW in your hearts of hearts, if he stays with her, it won't last. You willing to play it out to there? Wanna bail somewhere along the way? That's going to be entirely up to you. My choice was to play this out right to the last drop. I became VERY determined to win. And Yeah, I know... telling you to let go and being determined to win in the same breath sounds hypocritical. It's not. Your H at some point... is going to come back looking for his life preserver. Be ready for it. Be ready to say: Ok...this time MY rules! IT's not something you'll grab in one big bite,... every minute of every day until that time... gives you the chance to get stronger.
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 04/27/1005:47 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I am praying for God's help in letting go and leaving my problems in His hands.
Mystik, it was perhaps the hardest thing I had to do in my sitch. Harder than watching my wife get into her boyfriend's truck, and drive to his parents' house to have sex.
Harder than having to serve my wife with divorce papers.
Harder than listening to her lie to our own children, and to her parents.
Harder than ALL of it.
And I still remember where I was, too. Mowing my back lawn! Yep -- sweating my azz off, just mowing my lawn, and just started praying. Told the Father that I'd done the best that I could, and that I just couldn't do it anymore, and that I knew He loved her, and would take good care of her, and PLEASE take good care of her, and I just laid her at the foot of the cross there that day, "in" my backyard, in a little subdivision in Florida.
We are still together, just celebrated the birth of our first grandchild, and our 25th wedding anniversary.
Mystik, it was perhaps the hardest thing I had to do in my sitch. Harder than watching my wife get into her boyfriend's truck, and drive to his parents' house to have sex.
Harder than having to serve my wife with divorce papers.
Harder than listening to her lie to our own children, and to her parents.
Harder than ALL of it.
And I still remember where I was, too. Mowing my back lawn! Yep -- sweating my azz off, just mowing my lawn, and just started praying. Told the Father that I'd done the best that I could, and that I just couldn't do it anymore, and that I knew He loved her, and would take good care of her, and PLEASE take good care of her, and I just laid her at the foot of the cross there that day, "in" my backyard, in a little subdivision in Florida.
We are still together, just celebrated the birth of our first grandchild, and our 25th wedding anniversary.
Puppy
I am givin this one five whistles...
I think Ken needs to hear this one too... for all his christian commitment, he isn't surrendering much control here either.
