Frank, I got the same from my ex. After years of claiming she could never get me involved in our children's activities (which was never true), after the S she suddenly complained I was too involved -- and said that it was impeding my ability to provide full attention to my work, and that I didn't need to lose my job. Basically, she wanted me out of the picture regarding our kids (I also took this to mean she felt my only worth to her and our children was as a mere paycheck.)
But during the child custody battle we were forced by the court to attend a session with legal counsel on co-parenting after D. The core of it was a course on Do's and Dont's. We also got to express our positions before this court-appointed mediator and were given some reality checks about our newfound situation.
I think this one afternoon-long session was one thing that really got exW to start to open her eyes. Her viewpoint has for some time been that husbands are optional and fathers are to simply walk away from their children following D. After the meditation/training she still holds this basic view, but her words and actions in this regard have been attenuated.
Partly because of the thin ice she saw that she was on regarding her overt actions to exclude and alienate me from our kids' status and activities (failures to disclose parent-teacher meetings, making unilateral decisions about the children's education and daycare, etc.), exW began to be more careful in how she handled these matters -- not perfectly or with due respect, mind you, but enough that I began to notice. And while this was likely preparation to clean up her act prior to moving forward with her custody suit, since the time she settled the case a few months later, she has still maintained her attempts to at least appear to be doing the right thing -- a few infractions aside.
I guess I'm saying that talking with the court-appointed mediators has helped stemmed exW's steamrollering over me with complete abandon, and replaced it with more careful and grudging (if not totally sincere) compliance.
So, I offer this as a possibility to you: would the court system in NY consider sending the both of you to some form of mediation and/or co-parenting counseling? Your HSTBX (hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sounds just as ludicrous as my exW was at her worst. And such waywards really need a serious wake-up call, as such a session might offer.
Otherwise, as they say, document, document, document. (I know you know this.)
