people were just offering their opinions (you want to offer yours, then you have to let other people offer theirs)
I don't know how else to phrase this and maybe someone else could say it better so I am just going to say it how I know how:
you need to thicken your skin a bit how the heck could your words hurt anyone? I mean...I don't think your opinion is that earth shattering and I don't mean that in a mean way...I mean that in the way of--we all have lives and if we let someone on a message board affect our lives that much then we certainly haven't done the work we needed to do in our own lives
(someone help me out here because I am not trying to sound b*tchy but I know that it is coming across that way)
all I am trying to say is so mediation didn't go as you had planned and you are worried about money then focus on how you can make that better get a job or two
worrying about when you retire is a pipedream
I will never be able to afford to retire that is just the way it is
my grandma (in her 80s) works 2 jobs cleaning other people's houses because my grandpa had a stroke and he has staggering medical bills (and also because she can't sit still long enough to drink a cup of coffee )
you do what you must and sometimes you will find that it isn't even a chore any more
My grandfather told me once that "if you sit around worrying about money those same worries will be there tomorrow, only larger - instead stop worrying and do something about it."
It's all about taking an assessment, making a plan, and then implementing it (which is the most important part by the way).
Once a marriage is turned over to the mediators/attorneys it becomes a business. Hence...... So, as this gets started it just tends to snowball downhill.
The most important thing right now is to protect yourself. The courts favor the woman in most circumstances. I recommend that you have your mediator/atty request whatever you feel is necessary to survive. Almost all of us (including me, even as a professional) are left in some sort of financial quagmire.
Hang in. You'll be OK.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I wrote a long reply to your previous post but you deleted it which made mine invalid. But Fig is right - stop worrying so much about it all. My day is not shot if you say something I don't like.
But YOU have to stop being a VICTIM! Myself and others here have tried to give you are best advice. Rarely am I criticized for doing so. I understand it all very well - as do the others as we have ALL been shattered by what our spouses did. But our lives did not end there.
I am a professional as well. I did my best in a bad situation. I ended up having to pay my ex off. Yes - I made more money than him. And now, due to circumstances beyond my control - I had a forced retirement before I was ready so I am not working either. But I do what I have to do as I'm still schooling kids and tuition is NOT CHEAP! And I have to provide to those dependent kids.
You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off you do whatever you have to do. For today. And worry about tommorrow, tommorrow.
The sooner you stop being stuck in the mud - the sooner you start to feel better.
Now - stop the blame game. These are good people here and sometimes what we need to get ourselves unstuck is a good kick in the pants.
Poet, one of the bravest ladies I know (or knew) was my Coffee Buddy, you may recall her. Her husband had an A, then left her, leaving her with all the bills etc and cleaned out their bank account. He then contacted all their friends and instructed them not to help her financially. At one point, he abducted her daughter whom she got back. She had no one in this country, no finances, a non-professional job and a young daughter to raise. She lost her house and ended up in a basement apartment. One of the last times I saw her she proudly told me that she had just made her last debt payment, after seven years of debt, to the debt consolidation agency. She was now debt free! This lady drove a car that was a sh!tbox and in the winter she had to get up twice per night to start it just so that it would start in the morning. This is also the lady who told me "Whatis, I want you to know that no matter how bad it gets, it will always get better". So take heart Poet, it has been done in worse situations than yours. You too will overcome!
Whatis: That is beautiful. A testament to the fortitute of survivors. And that is what this site is about. SURVIVING the big D> Not one person here has come out of it without battle scars but slowly we have learned/are learning to heal and rebuild.
Poet - Just thinking practically here for a few minutes....
First of all - alimony - I can't imagine that you won't get alimony after a 14 year marriage. I don't know why your ex would go to court over that issue, unless he's stupid. At least in California there are formulas for that stuff and a 14 year marriage would definitely involve alimony if he makes more than you.
Second -retirement funds. Are you in a community property state? If so, then 1/2 of the funds accumulated during the marriage would be yours. If not - what does your attorney say about what you would be entitled to? Third - he wants to buy you out of the house. What are your options? Could you afford to buy HIM out of the house? How much equity is there in the house? Think very carefully about this. It's not a good deal if you swap retirement equity for the house, but can't afford the house and lose it. On the other hand, if you're in a position where you'll never qualify for another house on your own, finding a way to keep this one may be a good plan. I find it can help to draw out all the financial options in a case like this. Here's a theoretical case to help you think about it:
House worth 150k with 50k owed on mortgage. Options: 1) You keep house by buying him out of his 50k equity share by refinancing in your name to tune of 100k. You get to stay put, own an asset, you might be able to rent out extra bedrooms for some income. You will however have the expenses that come with owning a home. You also acquire debt, if you can't pay the mortgage and go into foreclosure you have nothing, so don't get in over your head.
2) He buys you out, gives you 50k. If he gives this to you in the form of an extra 50k in retirement funds, that money is not available to you to buy a new house, unless you pay taxes on withdrawal. However, if you plan to rent anyway or to live with family, the extra money in retirement funds may be a good thing. If he gives you the 50k in cash (by refinancing himself) then you have a down payment on a new home - IF you can qualify for the mortgage. Or you can use that money to increase your retirement.
Please don't take any offense at this, but it sounds like you're not very confident when it comes to finances? If so, consider getting some financial counseling, or talk to a good friend who is good with money. www.wife.org also has excellent financial education for women in divorce.
And don't forget, Poet, since you were married more than 10 years, you can claim social security benefits when you retire based on HIS earnings, if they're higher than yours.
And I agree with others, in addition to fighting for the best deal for you, you also need to be careful not to get stuck and to make a forward-moving plan. If the two of you have few assets, then even if you get a good deal, you're still gonna have to plan to make a living. Do you work now? Have you worked in the past? Do you have any skills you can parley into an income?
I saw a woman on the morning news shows. She was 40, overweight (250 lbs) and in an unhappy marriage. She ended up divorced, and it was obvious from how she answered questions that what followed next came from her decision that living well was the best revenge. She lost weight, became a body-building weight-loss guru, has a popular book out now and is now 50, beautiful, famous and successful! I bet her ex-husband is PISSED!!! lol
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