The Good Soil Of Love

[Concerned_Listener]

Doc, Lanzo, John, Naej, and DB Friends,
My W and I talked this morning. She kicked me out the bedroom last night. She complained that she wants to get out and explore the city more, and I don't (not true). She complained that I don't know how to swim, and it prevents us from having water adventures on vacation. She's tired of planning vacations and wants me to take over the job. She complained about the house not being kept up to cleaning standards.

I hung in there this morning and wrestled the conversation with her. I listened to her concerns, and disagreed when I thought she was wrong. I told her that she can ask me to change, but that she needs to walk her talk and make needed changes also. I didn't go into them at the time (mainly health-related, and boundaries).

In an email she complained that she doesn't get enough affection, that I'm trying to control who her guests are, that she doesn't have enough space in the house. She wrote that she has a lot to think about (threatening to leave).

She wants her dance friend to watch our dog while on vacation. I told her I don't want to associate with him.

A problem is we have a commitment to the Hustle Team and this studio. I don't want to break this commitment, and drop out so late in the process.

I'm getting mixed messages from my W. She complains so loudly, but yet wants to spend time with me. I went out to dinner with her last night to keep her company.

She says that my emails stressed her out.

Lanzo says that the incident Saturday night is a reality check. I agree. I will change my approach, but will probably fall short of the degree of boundary making needed. I'm new at this, so will probably fall short of what's needed at first.

Increased presence and boundary making seem to be what's called for at this time. I'm not sure what to do about her requests for companionship. We seem fine as friends/companions but struggle as husband and wife.

I'm afraid to stop being a companion and experience the level of unbalance and turbulence it would cause. I'm like the boy trying to keep his finger in the dike. The odd thing is I'm not afraid of D, or being single, and think my life would be enriched and more peaceful without her. I'm not afraid of her anymore, but am afraid of the level of unpleasantness if would create if I took strong measures.

Even if I don't take drastic action, I think things will move forward towards reconciliation or separation. I have changed over the years and past months, and will approach this differently, even if I'm only partially effective.

CL