Invinceable

[mishka422]

Plugging along through the grief but it's going ok. My cousin (this is her dad that passed) called me last night when she was having a bit of meltdown and we talked through it. She was doing much better by the time we hung up and I felt....usefull. That was nice. She helped me through the death of my dad and now I'm doing the same. It's wonderful to be close.

Gabe and I went out for a golf cart ride on Sunday (for those of you who don't know I live in a city that is laced with golf cart paths around the lakes and subdivisions) and I mentioned that I had told my cousin that I have an extra bed since mom is at the rehab and a couch for family members to sleep at my house. Gabe got a little freaked out at that and said, "Maybe I should disappear for a few days then." I asked him why he thought that and he said, "Your family hates me. I wouldn't feel comfortable around them." I told him that they really have no opinion toward him one way or the other. As long as I'm not being hurt they don't care. He still said he is probably going to go stay somewhere else. I bit my tongue as long as posible and he sensed that I was getting upset. It was like this violent gurgling in my heart that was making me feel like I was going to explode. Totally irrational. He can go wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. I have no right to say anything about it. No matter how hard I tried to swallow it, I still couldn't hold back the, "What, is the broom going to let you back into her bed?" UGH! WTF???? All he said was, "No. I'm not ever going back there."

I'm telling you all now, after this funeral I am going to have to talk to him and lay it all out there. This is crazy and it's making me crazy. What am I going to say? How do I even come to grips with my feelings in a way that I can say it without sounding like a complete basketcase? That is what I'm working on.

The list of negatives and positives is nearly equal. Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time. If one side outweighed the other this would be much clearer to me.

Like I said, leaving things as is for now. One trauma at a time please!