WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

C-Bart,

Thanks for letting me see I was trying to control the A again.. I think when I get overwhelmed or stressed I do tend to try and control everything and anything and not doing so is new to me... I have to become more aware of that..

There are a few reasons why I'm trying so hard to keep the house I have:

~ my mom lives with me.. and she has significant mobility issues.. I went through viewing 13 homes to find this one that she could manage the stairs etc... Anything that I can afford alone somewhere else (either renting or such) would have stairs she can't manage..

~ my son (has Autism) and his current school have been working with his High School (he graduates primary this year) to transition him to the new school re: curriculum, equipment transfer, his comfort in uniform and going there, etc. To move would risk him not going to that school and having to start all over again with another High School (and he is really excited about going there with all the friends he developed at primary)

~ a move so soon after separation would be extremely confusing (and terrifying for D3) as the kids have already been exhibiting separation anxiety-type behaviours and trying to cling and emphasize the constants in their life right now. (D3 keeps mentioning "I love my home, I love my bed" type things) I have woken up on numerous mornings with both kids cuddling up to me in bed in the morning...they never did that when H was here...

I'm not worried about not having a roof over our heads.. that will be there no matter what.. I'm trying to work out the least painful/stressful/traumatic solution for all of us.. And the responsibility is terrifying to me...

[C-Bart]

The control thing is very common with people who come from troubled backgrounds. Particularly with children of alcoholic parents or parents who have extreme fluctuations in mood. I don't know your background other than you mentioned it being really ruff.

I understand now why you are trying to hold onto the house. It makes perfect sense. However I think you may be selling yourself short. Whatever happens you can handle it. It may not be the best situation but I can tell you are a very strong person. That is the gift that comes from having the struggles that you have.

Let me add one thing. Let's say you get to keep the house but it takes two years of fighting and as a result you are short, angry, or dismisive with your kids. Let's say you spend all your time thinking and planning and worrying about how to keep your house. What have you done? You've robbed yourself of the happiness of spending that time with your kids.

One thing I've learned is that happiness is around you not in front of you.

[courageous wife]

Hi DG-

I do the same thing! I come up with all kinds of ways to try and break up H and OW and realize that I do that when I am upset or feeling out of control! Pretty sure it is normal...we can fantasize...just don't really do it! Leave it up to the man upstairs to take care of it!

And I can relate to what C-bart says! I notice that I get short and dismissive with the kids when I am upset with H, stbxh, I should say...

No advice cuz I am where you are at right now...just want to let you know that I am thinking of you!

[flowmom]

DG, I agree with C-Bart's posts. I hope that it's possible for you to keep the house...you have great reasons and I'm in the same boat of wanting to keep our home for the sake of the kids. But we have to remember that it's not worth doing it at any cost. More than their physical home, we mothers are their greatest source of security in this time (now that their fathers are WAHs).

(((DG))) you are showing a lot of grace under pressure. Hang in there.

[DiamondGirl]

I am done.

Not because of anything in particular. And although anger is there simmering, it isn't a vindictive one or ego driven one, more of an indignant one for myself.

I just came to the realization that I do not want to spend the next 40 years in a relationship struggling to deal with H's inability to keep jobs, gaslighting, urge to take the easy way out (whether it be immoral or illegal), and volitile moods. I don't want to have concerns in the back of my mind that he will run again, when I least expect it.

I have doubts that much of that will change should he come back to earth.. and I deserve better. I want better for myself and my children.

I am not in any way discounting my part in the marital issues, and those issues that are still present within me I will work on for me and any future relationship.

I want a partner that will allow me to stand on my own but beside him.

I want a partner that can handle his own financial affairs and allow me mine, but work together on what naturally gets combined for general living. Someone who can think ahead and learn when he needs to.

I want someone I can have faith in and who I know will not run when the chips are down or will get help when he needs it if he feels like running.

I want someone who feels I'm worth having the tough conversations with to improve our relationship and not leave it up to me to mind read.

I am moving forward for myself and for my children.

I will stay on this board for myself and not for a possible R with H, as I don't think he will ever rise to the maturity that I deserve in my life. I'm sure I will waffle with indecision now and again, but they are just feelings and will pass.

I've learned that. I've learned a great deal.

A lot of my recent pain I think was my getting to this point.

The future is mine to choose, and so is my future partner.

Though I thought I didn't settle by choosing H, I think I did in a way. I settled for treatment of less than I deserved for far too long.

I won't settle again.

[C-Bart]

Congratulations (I guess) for getting to this point.

Don't be surprised to fluctuate between this point and the "needing" your H back. Also be really honest with yourself and determine what is true in your statement and what is you stretching the truth to protect yourself. Often times we create a false person out of our spouses as a way to move forward. This isn't necessarily bad unless we us it as an excuse not to work on ourselves. I don't sense that is what your doing but be careful. Its a very normal thing. Shrinks refer to it as cognitive distortion.

So were do you go from here? Glad to see you are staying on the boards as we can all benefit from each others experiences. What are you going to take away from this experience? How will you use it in your own personal growth?

[flowmom]

Hey DG...I'm starting to feel more detached too. I'm sure I'll backslide but I'm enjoying the relief of caring less. I hope that the more we face reality, the more we'll be able to bring our best selves forward to tackle it. (((DG)))

[courageous wife]

(((DG)))

[DiamondGirl]

So some positive news.. but not entirely..

I can qualify for my home's mortgage if H agrees to give up his claim to the equity... It isn't actually much when you figure out what comes out of it if the house is sold (or I walk away and stop paying for it)

Verbally he said he would, so I got a lawyer to start drafting a SA for just the debts and property.

I was advised to change the payments on the mortgage to monthly instead of bi-weekly so that should I have to walk I have 4 months instead of 6 weeks...

So since H is on the mortgage, it needs his signature...

So I text SIL (cuz he's with his ho with the dough) and ask her to contact him regarding paperwork needing to be signed as it needs 14 days notice to change the terms.

She tells me that he said to email the docs to him and he will sign and fax it back to me...

In the process of composing the email, I get an email from him saying.. If you sign my version of custody I will sign your docs changing the payment info.

I cannot believe that he tried to bargain with his kids' home!

I told him that and said sign and fax by XX or I will stop making payments on the house as I cannot afford the bi-weekly payments as they are set up.

So far he is refusing to sign them.. so if he won't sign docs to merely change the date of payment, then he won't sign over equity...

He would rather the kids go through another traumatic change then sign something so they don't have to...

I definitely don't know this guy.. and definitely don't like him..

I'm really fighting the anger thing right now...

I felt my "done" feeling slipping before this... but now I'm back to done...

I am so tired of all of this.. and though I can see clearer on some things, I don't know if "done" is my way of protecting myself (as was so intelligently suggested)... I am usually not a quitter and it goes against that...

I just want things to be settled all around.. this chaos and not knowing what direction I'm going in over the next few months is tiring...

[flowmom]

keeping my fingers crossed for you DG!! (((hugs)))