Okay, have just a minute to continue what I started this morning. BTW, one of the example "answers" I gave you was not the best in the world when I said to tell her, "I sure you would not be interested in my activities". I was in a hurry when I was writing that, but I hope you can think of something better.
As I told you in your thread over in WAW, you will not change her and not to expect her to work at this R. So, that means she will not put forth anything positive in MC or any other C for your M problems. Trust me, she will use that opportunity to cast all of her complaints about you and the M. You can get help for yourself, but I don't think trying to get her to agree to MC is a good idea. She would not be in the right frame of mind and it would probably cause more damage than good at this point.
Your objective is to become the best man you can possibly be. Improve yourself, as I told you over in the other thread. Instead of keeping her mind on the OM by trying to shut off her communication and fighting over him.....(which just keeps OM the center of thoughts), you focus on you getting a personal life without her in it. Yes, it will be hard at first, but everyone I have read who did that will come back and say that they did not realize how they had become shut off to everything except their M until they started GAL again. It is good for you and it will be good for her to see you GAL, becoming a lot more of an interesting person, attractive, charming, strong, etc.
Speaking of being strong......you continue to show self-respect and you do not take disrespect from her. This is where "boundaries" come into play. You decide what you cannot live with. You think of what would be "consequences" if those boundaries were broken. If your W disrespects you, what would be the consequences of that particular action? That is for you to decide, and depending on what the insult was......would determine the consequences. It is just like you would do with your children. If they do not follow rules....they have to deal with consequences, depending on the age of child and the what they did. I know from experience when you have teenagers, you better instill some boundaries and you better enforce those consequences or you are doomed for a life of misery! Enforcement is most important or you might as well chunk the whole deal.
You are learning not to be her "pushover" and that is great! She will continue to test you, so never let your guard down. Be prepared at all times. Now, this is important......do not argue with her. You make a statement (if necessary) and then shut up. You either get busy at something and do not reply to her trying to cause an argument, or you just give her a look, or if it gets too bad you can leave for an hour or so. I like the statement I've heard Puppy use, "Do you know how unattractive you are when you act like this"? Then turn around and leave her standing there. The point is to break yourself from trying to "explain" yourself. That is what you keep doing.....and it doesn't work. I understand b/c I am that kind of person also....but the more you say, the worse it makes the situation.
Just as teenagers get "power" over you whenever they get you upset and fussing with them, so does a WAW. Whenever you lose your cool and get into an arugment.....you have given her your power over the situation. That is why it is so important to stay calm and do not get trapped into one of her scenes. She will try to pull you into that and then say, "See, that is why we need to get a D b/c we don't get along".
Without getting into a big explaination of how she is the one screwing up, just point out that this was her choice. She needs to see that she is losing her H and the family as it once was. She needs to get an idea of what life without you would be. She will try to make it appear that you are the one that messed up the M, but she needs to realize that "she" is making the "choice" to break it up. You do this with your behavior and not by preaching to her.
If she comes at you with angry words, then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way". Then turn away. If you don't know what to say then shrug your shoulders. I'm trying to get you to stop explaining your side of the stitch, b/c it doesn't save the M. She has her "case" already mapped out and she just wants to prove to you that it's over. See what I mean?
So, work at staying busy and going out. Be sure you look really good when you go out. Put on some new cologne. Act as if you are excited about going out. You may just go to the mall and walk around or something, but she will wonder why you look so good, smell good, and act happy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
