how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

yesterday was a hard day...between my L calling my SIL an idiot and having to calm both my SIL and H down about that, the back and forth with my H on some financial aspects of our separation agreement, and crying on the phone to my parents about how overwhelmed i'm feeling...it was a really draining day for me.

i keep hoping, maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow will be ok and i won't hurt this much. but as soon as my eyes opened this morning, i was hit with the pain like a ton of bricks. i talked to my H for a long time on the phone yesterday and he was so angry that things weren't going his way. so angry that i wouldn't just sign the agreement as is and let him keep his motorcycle, and our debt in my name. to be fair, i was very upset that my L had talked to my SIL like that on the phone (my SIL is a lawyer, too), but my H said he's gone from hurt and sad to upset and DISGUSTED at how things have progressed.

i think i'm perfectly within my rights to seek counsel before signing ANYTHING and i would be an IDIOT not to. my L looked at the agreement, made some suggestions that act in my best interest, and H threw a fit that i would come back to him with "demands." he said things like, i don't want to hate you, i want to at least walk away from this with respect for you...as if me making sure that HIS motorcycle doesn't put ME in financial jeopardy is my way of sticking it to him?? he says he understands that i have to look out for myself, but he thinks he's been so fair and honorable in offering me what he's offered me, since he is "in between jobs" right now (translation: he QUIT his job).

it's enough to make me want to throw my hands up and tell him to go to hell. although i guess that wouldn't be very "me" and i know i'd regret something like that. i wanted to say a hundred times to him yesterday, why should i have to pay for a choice that YOU made, why should i be the one left hanging when YOU wanted to walk away? but i didn't. i didn't react. i did cry a lot. talking to him is too hard. i can't hear his voice without crying.

it's been almost exactly a month since i've seen him, sat next to him, touched him, wiped away his tears. and now HE is disgusted with ME. makes total sense, right?

here's to tuesday not sucking as much as monday...