W still wants separation, need to DB more

[MrBond]

Incidentally, my W also would just say "nothing" when I ask her what's wrong or just "fine" when I asked her how her day was.

So what I learned was to ask questions that required more of an answer. For example, rather than asking "how was your day?" which would just get me a "fine" response; I would ask "so what was something interesting you did at work today?"

Just something like that. After awhile (and it takes awhile) my W started opening up. Now we are actually talking better than we did before.

[Lotus]

Incidentally, after I have my little talks at my daughter, she usually is nicer. She never acknowledges that she heard me. But I can tell that she did hear me and she knows that I am right.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have a daughter who can be all sunshine and light, or a completely withdrawn grump. This is how I deal with her when she is the grump. I go in to talk to her, and she tells me to get out. I say, "No, I am going to say what I came here to say. You just listen." She pretends she is not listening. Then I just say what I want to tell her. In your case, what I would say is, "Wife, I know you are unhappy and you want to move out. But you are not moving out yet. So, while you are living here, I would appreciate it if you were at least as nice to me as you would be to a stranger. You would tell a stranger hello and goodbye. You should say it to me too. You would tell a stranger thank you for a ride. You should say it to me too. I will be nice to you, and I would appreciate it if you would be nice to me too. We will both get along better that way." And then I would walk out of the room and let her sulk.

I really like that.



Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

Thank you for the advice, I will keep this in mind for when she gets out of control and starts to attack me again.

The night ended with her sleeping up till I left for work.... Here's to a better tomorrow

[4luv]

OIN,

Did you ever get yourself to see a Family therapist (FT)? I remember Allen suggesting that you lead by example and I still agree. You can say all the things to your wife but your actions speak louder than words. I was just reading the part where you said you degraded your wife and sometimes said hurtful things to her. It is VERY hard to earn a womens' trust after saying hurtful things to her over the course of a few years. Once she has her heart closed to you it really takes a lot before a women would put herself in a vulnerable position again to open her heart back up to that man. I am speaking from experience in my own stitch. Now that my husband wants to reconcile I dont trust that he would not go back to saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. So before I open myself back up to him, I need to see him in therapy learning coping mechanisms before I even cross that path with him.

I see you worried about how she is acting towards you but I wasn't sure if you were showing your wife that YOU can be trusted again with her heart.

[OfficerInNeed]

Thank you for the post.

Yes, I have gone to therapy. I only had two sessions and the therapist had to cancel the 3rd due to an illness. Financially I cannot afford to schedule another session at this time.

During the first month of our sitch I took an anger management course and received counseling provided through my employer. I have read a few different books on anger management, one I leave out so my W can see my efforts.

I do attend church and talk to the pastor often. He has helped me understand and see what love, marriage and life should be. I am very remorseful for what I have done.

I have read a couple books on co dependency and how to detach, this has helped me break away from my controlling mentality. I don't know how I ever thought I could control my W and make her believe only I existed, what a warped mind I had.

I have a co-worker I am very close to and he is very pro-marriage and has a healthy one at that, we talk all the time.

My W knows I was getting counseling over the phone. My W knows I went to therapy. My W knows I still talk to a counsel via phone. My W knows I go to church and read books on how to improve marriages, combat anger issues and express true love...my W has not asked or showed one bit of interest in anything I have done or continue to do but I still do it because I want to continue to improve myself.

[robx]

My W knows I was getting counseling over the phone.

My W knows I went to therapy.

My W knows I still talk to a counsel via phone.

My W knows I go to church and read books on how to improve marriages, combat anger issues and express true love...

My W has not asked or showed one bit of interest in anything I have done or continue to do but I still do it because I want to continue to improve myself.

It never ceases to amaze me that people can see reality but won't accept it and use it accordingly in their situations.

Observe Reality.
Accept Reality.
Reality works.

Working against Reality doesn't work.

Do you believe that by working for your marriage that your wife is going to turn around and come running into your arms?

Your wife sees you busting your ass working super hard to fix your marriage problems and to fix your problems. How much effort is she putting into fixing her problems and how much effort is she putting into fixing the marriage problems?

I'll quote you on this:

My W has not asked or showed one bit of interest in anything I have done or continue to do

Yet you continue to do things which are obviously not working because....?

You can't say you're doing it just for you, if your wife didn't exist and you weren't married, you wouldn't be doing any of these things to "improve" you.

Working at fixing your marriage is producing no results, I say take a break and regroup, you will burnout eventually and several weeks/months from now you'll be angry because you worked so hard to save this marriage and she still doesn't want to be married to you and that will breed anger and resentment in you because of all the effort you will have invested with no reward.

You are trying to use your male logic to solve a problem involving your wife's female emotions, this doesn't work, not the way you think it does.

[OfficerInNeed]

My issues were not confined to our M. I had a terrible R with my parents and nearly struck my own mother out of anger. I said so$me VERY harsh things to both my parents and had no remorse...till now. Everyone in my extended family and friend viewed me as a miserable a**hole.

You're right if I was not M to my W I would not had took the initiative to make these changes but that does not mean it wasn't necessary...in other words something would had happened sooner or later that would had prompted change.

As far as not producing results, I will say things today are far better than they were 2 months ago. The key being 2 months. I thought rule of thunb was for every year of bad it will be at least 1 month of change...if that holds true I still have work ahead of me.

I tried the your suggestions for a couple days and it set me back. She told me "see your the same person, you didn't change." Telling my W "if you want to go then go I will help you pack" when I told her that many tines in the past before the bomb was dropped really is not going to help... I should had been careful what I asked for.

[DaddyLongShanks]

robx,

I'm seeing what OfficerInNeed is doing with the:

1. Anger management
2. Church
3. Counselling
4. Controlling emotions and actions with respect to W

He's figuring even if his wife bows out of the marriage, he will be a better and more complete man. Its what he's comfortable doing, and the efforts won't be wasted because they can be used for another situation if this one doesn't work out.

[OfficerInNeed]

This morning I returned home from work dead tired. My W was up, in bed watching TV. I asked with a smile "What are you doing up?" she said she was not feeling well that her throat was bothering her and her allergies were acting up...I crawled into bed and feel to sleep.

A little while later my W got up and went downstairs to eat breakfast, eventually I woke up (had a hard time falling to sleep). I waled down stairs to where she was...I asked her "Did you decide on a dress yet?" she told me she decided to purchase one of the dresses we looked at online yesterday. She said she need to refill her allergy medicine, so I suggested we go to that then head to the mall (giving yesterday another try). At first it seemed like she was good with the idea...she went upstairs and showered and I thought was going to get ready but she did not...She just laid in bed listening to music with the dog...I went in the room and sat on the bed, and we both started to fool with the pup.

It was apparent my W was not going anywhere, I walked out the room, shortly after My W walked into the other room wher eI was and said "Do you just want to get something to eat and watch a movie" and I said "sounds like a good idea."

So I went out and did a little shopping while she checked for what movie to watch. When I got back she helped me unpack the groceries. I got some food together while she got us both a drink. The movie she selected was "Time travelers wife." We sat there watched the movie together and had a pretty decent time. At one point she said she was cold and placed her hands around my arm to show me just how cold he was. I agrees that she was ice cold and for that moment she was my W of old again (very short moment).

The movie was great and the time we shared was appreciated. When the movie was over I expressed to her how good it was and praised her by telling what a good choice she made.