For what it's worth, I agree with you and MC that hurt feelings are an important topic. IMO, a lot of the "real issues" wouldn't be even be issues if there weren't hurt feelings attached to them.
But hey, he's still attending counseling with you, even if he is uninvolved at times while there. If nothing else, you have had that neutral 3rd party validate that it's not you who deserves 100% of the blame for everything.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
It's weird he took the completely opposite stance - H said that the hurt feelings wouldn't be an issue if the "bigger issues" were resolved. He said we "make" them into bigger issues than they need to be.
For me it's the opposite, like you FReckle. Just the tone of voice, the irritation and the aggression, the choice of words can hurt. Those for me have created the issues - the fights, my depression, loneliness in the marriage. That is the root of the big issues. If the big issues are fighting, lack of sex, emotional withdrawal, etc, it's because of this hurt. And he says "we've had this conversation hundreds of times and it doesnt' go anywhere it's a distraction." I said, no we've had it hundreds of times because I haven't felt heard or like you take me seriously. I don't feel you have looked in the mirror at all but have continued to live in blame and projection."
I don't understand what "issues" he thinks will make the hurtful statements, tone of voice, etc go away - because he doesn't bring them up! I'm so confused.
I also brought up that I lived walking on eggshells ever since we were married and that we lost the ability to have deep conversations and more of this irritation and dismissal of my hurt feelings took place. I kept saying, this is the issue for me. And he continued to not hear it. I also brought up that he's been so angry and hurful since the separation and although he admitted he's misbehaved maybe 75% of the time, he said, he doesn't want to go over that now. It's inconsequential. So what. It's over. Move on to the mysterious "bigger issues".
And, against all desire to go in the other room and sit with him, I'm staying dim, straight into my room after rehearsal.
Well Hope I think you deserve a lot of credit for 1. staying dim and 2. choosing to communicate in a safer context = MC. It's great to have the MC back you up on basic stuff. I can certainly relate to how the buildup of hurt seriously undermined my ability to be open and giving to H, and brought out the worst in me.
I hope that you're starting to feel just a little bit more peace each day...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
thx fm = I am feeling more peace slowly slowly slowly, less drama, more time to focus on me.
And in MC, it was important for me to stand my ground even if H was having a fit.
And guess who was listening in MC after all? We started down the road of a brief tiff tonight before bed - the subject matter isnt important. What is important is the change. Its something that would have been hurtful to me at least, developed into an argument at worst. And guess who stopped it, said to let it go, that we could talk about in MC if it was that important, and asked for a minute to calm down, then came right out an apologized! A full, complete apology for baiting me, for being easily angered, etc.
New behavior. He heard me in MC. I told him I just needed an apology - and I got it. Full on.
Wow! He's reminding me of a stubborn teen. Not going to listen to any "adult" dammit complete with folded arms and eye rolling--except he is listening, but just doesn't want you or anyone to know it!
I guess just remember that no matter how he acts in MC, keep pressing on with what you and the MC feel is important because he is taking it all in, even if he's not participating there.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Bridge = I don't quite understand your comment? are you saying he's only interested in a one way conversation? Ugh. Could be. Yea, that's not going to be fun.
I read this on one of your threads, and it summarizes how I feel: " My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools." And when you're dealing with a verbally abusive person, this is all the more critical.
Freckle -= ya, could be like a teenager - it's a good way to see it. He did change his behavior although he balked the whole time.
I still wish he could understand that being spoken to in a kind and thoughtful manner is all I ever really wanted. How deeply proufound that is for me. He never will. But I'll take the behavior change. It makes what ever we have to deal with so much better.
just reading some WAW stuff, omg have I screwed up. The pushing, the convincing, once in a while begging, geez why didn't i see it before how that pushes the other away more. I have so many regrets for so many chances i had to get this thing back together. So now all I can do is accept and move on, or at least try to look like I am.
I know honey, we've all done things we wish we hadn't or think are wrong now, but at least you can see that (if it's true) and maybe recognize it before it happens next time. That's what CBT is all about- starting to notice your thoughts/feelings/actions is the first step to changing them!
I'm glad you got through to him- that sounds like a major shift how he acted last night. I think it's good to just keep telling him what you need when he communicates to you- like you have noticed, even if he doesn't seem to be listening... he is!
hope you have some peace in your day today--
Alice
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
