tired of trying...

[beingreal]

I did call him--but with darn good reason. S8 brought home a glowing note from his teacher listing all the good changes he's made lately. It was a very big deal, so I called H & read it to him in front of S8 to show S8 just how proud we were of him. That's it; read it, bragged about it, congratulated S8, then hung up. FWIW, I also called Nana & did the same thing. The huge grin on S8's face was so worth it.

Monday was my first day back to work. It went okay--a few hugs, about ten (combined) minutes of talking about it w/ my boss & coworkers--who have been watching this mess for three years (I started there 8 years ago, they are like family). I had to fill a couple of people in. I was okay until one of my coworkers told me he always thought I was too good for H. That stung. I never thought so--H accused me of thinking so, but I didn't. I told the coworker to stop, I didn't want bad things said about H, he said he'd never ever say it to anyone else, he just has always thought that.

I don't know why people saying mean things about H hurts me so. it just does.

When I got home my mom was here with the kids. She pulled me aside & told me that S6 had been acting funny after school & she asked him why, to which he answered that he was sad because, "...my mommy called daddy a bunch of bad names and kicked him out."

I was so mad. He' always been a bit dramatic & *loves* attention--every paper cut is a partial amputation, he screams in pain when he brother hits him...even though he usually hit him first. I call him my "drama queen"...not in front of him anyway. So I ask S6 about it & why he said that. "Because you did." S8 looks up from his dinner and says, "Not hardly."

I talked to him about how there was a lot of stuff that happened that he didn't understand, and that he saw a lot of stuff he had no business in being dragged into the middle of. It was grownup stuff, and I was sorry if that's how he really felt, but these were grownup decisions and not to be discussed with people outside of our family.

It made me sad that this is the way he sees it, that everything was perfect until Mommy yelled at Daddy and threw him out. And it makes me angry that H managed to make me the bad guy during all of this. Neither one of us did a very good job at hiding this, although I didn't go out of my way to drag the kids into it--but still, we both shoulder the blame.

I can just imagine the field day H will have with this if S6 ever says this while with him. I'd bet money he won't be having the same "You don't understand, it's no one else's business" talk with him.


Ugh.

How does this get easier? This has been one week. One feakin week. I see dates in some of these signatures where people have been doing this for years. I'm expecting too much too soon. But since I have the babysitting & most of the money issues worked out, not to mention all the laundry done & the house cleaned, all I have is time to think about the R. The more I think the more confused I get. I don't want H back the way he is, and it's highly unlikely that he's going to change--so why am I confused?

I need to sit down and really think about some goals when it comes to him. I'm just having a hard time thinking of any that won't require an entire personality overhaul.

Maybe I can work on some goals that just involve me & my reaction & expectations.

Maybe my first goal should be to get to the bookstore & get DB again since I can't seem to find my copy. And the Munson book.

I'm so tired. Already.