tired of trying...

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Why would he leave? Well, let's see. According to him...I'm controlling. And a bitch. And keep him on a short leash. And only want him here to babysit. And wanted him to finish college so he could get a better job so I could get more money.

I know there's more. Give me a minute.

I let him do all of the housework, I refuse to fold & put away laundry. I'm lazy. I'm on the internet too much. I shop too much & love to spend money(grocery shopping & clearance sales all year for kid's clothes & Christmas gifts does not a shopaholic make). I think I'm better than him. I hate his family. I'm secretly looking for his replacement.

I'm sure I could think of more things he's laid out there in the past few months--but this is giving me a headache.

Maybe he's right. Maybe he really does hate me.

OK, do you feel there;s any truth to these?

I can relate to you in that my W thinks I was controlling. I too thought that once she got a job things would get so much better (It would take a lot of finencial stress off me). She did feel she was a baby sitter and we were room mates raising kids. She thought I didn't do anything around the house.
These are view points fom her. Of course I saw things differently.
My DB coach once said: "Image what it was like for W to be living with you" Try to see their POV.
I have and ahave accepted my wrong doinds. I wish someone would ask her the same question. Maybe she would realize she was at fault too.

Take time for you right now. The sooner you start focusing on you and the things YOU control, it will be better.

GAL, be mysterious, and start doing the things you like to do.

I don't think he hates you. I think he has internal issues that he needs to work on. Right now he is unhappy and showing anger. Don't confuse this with hate.

Treat him like a friend right now.


ttys

[beingreal]

Came to respond--power cord on laptop completely broken. Oops. Good thing I ordered one the other day.

Be back when it gets here. In the meantime, I'll be following your advice & DBing.

Wish me luck.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hang in there. And remember the golden rule of DBing- Patience.

Have you seen Sandi's list yet?

It's a good reminder.

[beingreal]

I haven't seen it yet. Do you have a link for it?

I was doing pretty good today. Until the S6 said something to me. Now I just want to cry.

I don't care if this is for the best, or my idea or my fault or whatever it is. I hate it & I want it to be over.

I'm off to read more posts & keep from calling him. The man I want to talk to doesn't exist anymore. The man who left here last week is the only one there. I need to remember that.

[beingreal]

I did call him--but with darn good reason. S8 brought home a glowing note from his teacher listing all the good changes he's made lately. It was a very big deal, so I called H & read it to him in front of S8 to show S8 just how proud we were of him. That's it; read it, bragged about it, congratulated S8, then hung up. FWIW, I also called Nana & did the same thing. The huge grin on S8's face was so worth it.

Monday was my first day back to work. It went okay--a few hugs, about ten (combined) minutes of talking about it w/ my boss & coworkers--who have been watching this mess for three years (I started there 8 years ago, they are like family). I had to fill a couple of people in. I was okay until one of my coworkers told me he always thought I was too good for H. That stung. I never thought so--H accused me of thinking so, but I didn't. I told the coworker to stop, I didn't want bad things said about H, he said he'd never ever say it to anyone else, he just has always thought that.

I don't know why people saying mean things about H hurts me so. it just does.

When I got home my mom was here with the kids. She pulled me aside & told me that S6 had been acting funny after school & she asked him why, to which he answered that he was sad because, "...my mommy called daddy a bunch of bad names and kicked him out."

I was so mad. He' always been a bit dramatic & *loves* attention--every paper cut is a partial amputation, he screams in pain when he brother hits him...even though he usually hit him first. I call him my "drama queen"...not in front of him anyway. So I ask S6 about it & why he said that. "Because you did." S8 looks up from his dinner and says, "Not hardly."

I talked to him about how there was a lot of stuff that happened that he didn't understand, and that he saw a lot of stuff he had no business in being dragged into the middle of. It was grownup stuff, and I was sorry if that's how he really felt, but these were grownup decisions and not to be discussed with people outside of our family.

It made me sad that this is the way he sees it, that everything was perfect until Mommy yelled at Daddy and threw him out. And it makes me angry that H managed to make me the bad guy during all of this. Neither one of us did a very good job at hiding this, although I didn't go out of my way to drag the kids into it--but still, we both shoulder the blame.

I can just imagine the field day H will have with this if S6 ever says this while with him. I'd bet money he won't be having the same "You don't understand, it's no one else's business" talk with him.


Ugh.

How does this get easier? This has been one week. One feakin week. I see dates in some of these signatures where people have been doing this for years. I'm expecting too much too soon. But since I have the babysitting & most of the money issues worked out, not to mention all the laundry done & the house cleaned, all I have is time to think about the R. The more I think the more confused I get. I don't want H back the way he is, and it's highly unlikely that he's going to change--so why am I confused?

I need to sit down and really think about some goals when it comes to him. I'm just having a hard time thinking of any that won't require an entire personality overhaul.

Maybe I can work on some goals that just involve me & my reaction & expectations.

Maybe my first goal should be to get to the bookstore & get DB again since I can't seem to find my copy. And the Munson book.

I'm so tired. Already.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Shelbel,

Don't let others talk bad about H, if that's what you want.
Just tell them every M has trouble and unfortunely H has a different way of doing thindgs.

As for your confusion, and I'm going to be truthful here, it doesn't get any better in 8 months time either. I am still on the fence. I have good feelings about a wonderful M and then I have bad thoughts about this will never work out. You will cycle throught these emotions weekly or even daily.

If there is an event where H and you will have interaction don't have any expectations about it. That way you won't have any disappointments.
I'll look for sandi's list later today.
hang in there, the journey of a thousand miles starts with 1 step.

[beingreal]

OK, do you feel there;s any truth to these?

I can relate to you in that my W thinks I was controlling. I too thought that once she got a job things would get so much better (It would take a lot of finencial stress off me). She did feel she was a baby sitter and we were room mates raising kids. She thought I didn't do anything around the house.
These are view points fom her. Of course I saw things differently.
My DB coach once said: "Image what it was like for W to be living with you" Try to see their POV.
I have and ahave accepted my wrong doinds. I wish someone would ask her the same question. Maybe she would realize she was at fault too.

Take time for you right now. The sooner you start focusing on you and the things YOU control, it will be better.

GAL, be mysterious, and start doing the things you like to do.

I don't think he hates you. I think he has internal issues that he needs to work on. Right now he is unhappy and showing anger. Don't confuse this with hate.

Treat him like a friend right now.


ttys

I don't know, I think it depends on what your definition of "controlling" is. If it's holding someone accountable for their actions & demanding that the pull their fair share and act like a grownup, then yes, I'm controlling.

I didn't tell him what he could do or who he could do it with. I encouraged him to get out of the house and do things without the kids. I tried to plan date nights just for us. I went without a lot of things (like new clothes and shoes) just so he could finance one of his latest hobbies. I never had a problem with him taking the kids to Michigan to go mushroom hunting with his brother, or camping for a week with the older two boys & his best friend & his kids. I didn't even have a problem with his going to a football game in another state on Christmas Eve one year. A buddy had tickets & was driving--all I asked was that he come home right after to be there for the family events that night.

I'm not tooting my own horn, I was far from the perfect wife, but how many controlling wives don't take issue with their husbands going to a football game on Christmas Eve?

Have you ever seen the movie "The Story of Us" w. Bruce Willis? **I wouldn't recommend it for anyone not planning a reconciliation right this moment** In it they are separated and his wife (Michelle Pfieffer) compares him tot he character in the children's book, "Harold and the Purple Crayon". In that book the little boy has a purple crayon and he draws his world as he wants it to be--not as it is. She says her H is that little boy, only seeing the world as he wants to. She is left being the grownup, the responsible one. All. The. Time. She tells him that she wants a purple crayon every once in a while, too. She wants him to be the grown up every once in a while.

That's kind of how we are right now. Except H has a mean streak to go with it.


A purple sharpie marker and a bad attitude.



That would be funny if it weren't so sad.

[beingreal]

Shelbel,

Don't let others talk bad about H, if that's what you want.
Just tell them every M has trouble and unfortunely H has a different way of doing thindgs.

As for your confusion, and I'm going to be truthful here, it doesn't get any better in 8 months time either. I am still on the fence. I have good feelings about a wonderful M and then I have bad thoughts about this will never work out. You will cycle throught these emotions weekly or even daily.

If there is an event where H and you will have interaction don't have any expectations about it. That way you won't have any disappointments.
I'll look for sandi's list later today.
hang in there, the journey of a thousand miles starts with 1 step.

Thank you so much. I am so sorry that things are not better for you after eight months. I don't know what to expect. I'm not sure I even know what I want.

I need to find your thread & mark it or something. Can you do that here? Is your W still on the fence as well? How do you deal with the constant swing of emotions? Does it ever slow down?

I hope you are having a good day today. It's beautiful here.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Shel bel, I have no Idea what my W is thinking. I tried/trying to stop thinking about her actions b/c whatever I think she meant, it was the opposite and that just gets me into trouble.

To deal with the emotional roll coaster you need to take care of yourself first and when you have the kids be the best mom to them.

Do you have an agreement with H about time shared w/ kids?
If not that needs to be determined. Try to keep it 50/50 but if you suspect H is under the influence then you have every rite to confront him on that.

I used to like to have a few beers after work during the week, now when I have the kids I don't even think about it. I will not have a drink when I have the kids.


My W maybe on the fence and she needs to figure herself out, I can't help or change her. All I can do is better myself each day and be the kind and friendly person I know I am.

I read aa story hear long ago and I'm don't remember it it detail but it went a little something like this:

Indian father talking to son- Son you have two wolves fighting in your heart, one is good and full of love, kindness and hope; the other one evil, full of hatred, resentment and revenge.
Son asked dad how do you know which one will survive??
Dad says- The one you decide to feed.

So everyday yuo have a choice to feed the a wolf.
Chose wisely.

Here's Sandi's list too.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. This is my personal opinion, but I think it is best to stay away from the bar scenes--where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

GAL and 180.

PS.
I feel great today!!!

[beingreal]

Just thought I'd put this here...it's my response to a poster who thinks his W may be having an A because of her actions...

Fact is (for me) the only person I'm interested in right now...is me. I read DB in early September & started doing just what PEI said--GAL, worked on me, did 180s, stopped waiting on my H to be happy before I decided to be happy. But no A. No OM. No inappropriate discussions with any man (or woman, as he even suggested last week). Just...me.

I started working out because I felt gross, I needed new clothes because I'd not gotten myself anything in *years*--I was always taking care of everyone else. I bought new undies because my old ones were just that--old. TMI alert--I was still wearing nursing bras even though I hadn't nursed in over a year and a half. I even made a show of the pretty stuff to H, even though he didn't seem all that interested.

I spent time on the computer because I spent so much time at work or working at home that the computer was the only place to connect with anyone for support. And goodness knows he didn't want to talk to me. I was on Facebook, but not in contact with old boyfriends. I even blocked one man who sent me a friend request because he was a serial cheater--if he didn't respect his own marriage, why would he respect mine? A friend of mine from high school called me every few months, a platonic guy friend, very platonic. But I asked him not to because it was upsetting to H--and guy friend understood & stopped. Even though it was very innocent it was hurtful to H & I respected that.

I had my facebook account open--he could read every thing I did & everyone I talked to. I had my email open--I had nothing to hide (until he decided that the crap from dating sites in the junk mail box was real & I MUST have joined up for dating sites. That's when I closed it.)

I stopped wanting contact with H because he was always in a bad mood, he complained about everything in life to the point he literally sucked the life out of me. I never refused sex, he just slowed way down on initiating it. After a while of him acting like that--I didn't care enough to put the moves on him.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that my H could have written your post. And he'd have found the same thing you did...nothing.

Some times just because something acts like a duck & quacks like a duck doesn't mean it's a duck. Maybe it's a goose who is finding that acting like a goose just isn't working anymore.

Signed,
The lonely goose who can't even wrap her brain around the notion of being a duck.

My GAL and 180s led me to here...not much better for the M, but I'm a better person for it. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll actually feel like it.