My WAW - Chat/Text Msg affair with her ex

[Dan1977]

Sandi, I am so ready to listen to advice. This morning I grew a set and blocked his number. She didn't like it and she let me know it and I stuck to my guns and let her know that I do not live in an open marriage and she is betraying her family. We sent several texts (I went back to work for first time in a week) back and forth with her trying to throw in the towel. When I got home, I didn't get sucked into her attempt to try to argue with her. I was just playing with my kids and they are gravitating to me and she doesn't like it one bit. I think they can sense it and they want to play with their daddy more.

She talked to me some about what is going on and she told me how she is the type of person that when told what to do, she wants to do the opposite. If I control her, then she wants to do it even more. We talked back and forth about her feelings for about 15 minutes and she settled down, and we went to Pizza Hut and Dairy Queen and had a real nice time together with the kids...I thought. I came home to mow the grass, and she has just found another way to contact him through Facebook mobile. I have a keylogger on the computer, so I could see the content of their chat session. She told him how I was blocking his number but she will find another way around it and how she missed talking to him. My wife has turned into a complete liar over this.

So what's my next move?? Today I wasn't much of a pushover with her and I let her know she is the one screwing this up. She tried to convince me we should plan a nice family vacation this summer with the kids and cancel our Jamaica trip (which seems impossible that were going now and half of it's non-refundable). I told her I wasn't even in the mood to start thinking about any kind of vacation with her. I asked her how the hell does she want to plan a family vacation when she doesn't want a family, and then we'll go and they will be upset they will never have that again. She told me I pull all the strings and we always do what I want and called me an [censored]. I told her I was fully prepared to go on these vacations before she started having an affair on me and she is dictating everything we can and can't do because of this affair. She is trying to redirect it back at me like I'm to blame that she's in this text messaging/internet chat affair, and even beyond that because they have met up on several occasions at the bars.

Should I attempt to completely block all communications with this guy, block Facebook, other websites etc...or should I just try and do my own thing and work on myself? I've been working out, lost 25 lbs and am getting in really good shape (originally we were trying to get our beach bods for Jamaica). So I'm working on my physical aspects, but I need help on what personality characteristics I should display that would redirect her attention. At this point I'm ready to do whatever because she has obviously turned into a full blown lying cheating spouse that doesn't respect family values anymore. I am going to see a lawyer soon, but I know if it goes the divorce path, she will get the kids the majority of the time which will kill me. I can't stand only seeing my kids on the weekends. Thats like 200 days of the year I won't see my kids, and I'm sorry but that is a weak spot for me. Does anyone know if men actually get some preferential treatment in a situation where the wife is having an affair? I have supported her for 6 years now, she never had to work, she stayed at home with our kids, I paid for everything 100% since we've met, bought her a nice car, she never had to worry about money. I'm afraid I'll get so screwed because she won't have a job, car, place to stay, a way to take care of our children and I'll pay through the nose for child support, all because she cheated on me. Ultimately I don't even want to go down that path and I just want this guy to fade away and we live happily ever after, but I know that is a fairytale and it seems like that is farther and farther out of my grasp everyday.

I'm pro marriage and I want to save mine, should I call one of these Divorce Busting Coaches to get some help? I feel like I'm at DefCon 5 here, and I was so tempted to confront her about her little chat session with OM while I was mowing, but I didn't, I held back. I want to believe her so bad and she seemed geniune earlier in the day about how she wants to work on us, and then part of her does not and I see her messages to him. This guy is married too, or he was, not sure if he's split yet and he claims to be a devout Christian man. My ass, if he had a shred of geniune decency about him, he'd leave a married woman with two little kids alone.

Please help ! =(

[Dan1977]

I think someone said this was her ex-husband, but in fact he is her ex-boyfriend. In total she has only know this guy about 4 months. They dated for about 2 months before we were married, and they have been chatting/texting for about 2 months. It's a fantasy for her, this guy isn't real, it's some fairytale she's living. I read in Divorce Remedy that most affairs only last 6 months and they fizzle out. I hope that is the case here as well too, except I want it to fizzle out like yesterday. Maybe if I make it very hard on her to contact this guy, she will lose interest. If it wasn't for her taking my son to school and taking the kids multiple places during the day, I would shut the phone off but I want her to have a phone in case she needs to contact someone for whatever reason, flat tire, run outta gas etc...I'm a provider at nature and want to make sure my family has what they need, and maybe that seems like I'm a pushover.

Part of it is I know how damn stubborn my wife is, and I know the harder I push, the harder she will resist and she tells me this. She told me today for all the years I have known her, I should know to just give her space because if I don't, she will want to do whatever it is I'm trying to keep her from doing even more. But it's so hard just watching her have an affair in my face, I have to intervene. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines watching it happen and hope for the best. I'm so confused on what to do right now.

[Dan1977]

Sandi, concerning how I am trying to improve myself, I am trying to react differently to certain situations than I used to. Before I was really up tight about money for example and I would stress pretty easily over relatively little things. I'm trying to be much more laid back now and easy going and in general a more pleasant person to be around. She made comments about my changes and said it was nice. I try to spend as much time with my kids as possible, which that was always easy for me to do since I love them so much. We had a couple date nights 3-4 weeks ago, I took my wife to a nice Italian restaurant and it was real nice. I wanted to spend more quality time with my wife, watching movies together, maybe have a drink every once in a while, we tend to get totally wrapped up with the kids, we don't have our own time, especially since she's sleeping in our daughters room.

Right now she is telling me she doesn't love me and she never did which I keep reading this a very common thing for a WAW to say...I'm hoping this is the case with my W as well and she doesn't really mean it. I'm sure today I made some classic mistakes trying to defend and justify how we did love each other very much. I keep telling her I just want the chance to prove to her I am the man she wants to be with and the greener pastures are in her own home. I know I can't dictate love, so I need to demonstrate I am the man she wants to be with. This would be less of an uphill battle if OM wasn't in the picture because I constantly feel like I'm on trial and she is judging me and Mr Perfect OM wouldn't say or do that, and how he's a better listener or whatever is being examined at that time. What an emotional rollercoaster...

[Deep]

Dan, are you listening at all? Or are you simply picking out the bits that sound easiest to you?

Here's some random points:

- OM is not your frind or a decent Christian, or whatever. He's beneath your attention, so stop paying him any. Please STOP comparing yourself to him.

- Why are you "sitting on the sidelines"? GAL. Repeat, GAL. You do NOT wait on your W, or let her set the agenda, or dictate anything. Expect no more regard, respect, or recognition from your W than you show yourself.

- Your W is already GONE. Accept that. She's left on her own accord. If she is going to come back, it'll be on her own free will too. You don't have to like it, but you would find it much more helpful if you can accept it. You don't control that, so let it go. Work on the things you do control, your responsibility for your own happiness, and what a strong, confident Dan should be.

[sandi2]

I may not have time to complete my post this morning, but I will get back to finish it at some point.

This is just my opinion, okay? As long as you are not paying for anything she uses to contact OM, then I think you should try to focus on other things. My H tried to "control" certain things to stop me from contacting my OM, and I would find other means of contact. Your W will also, and you really can't control that. By not financing her tools of contact, that shows your stand on disapproval of an open M. What she does on her own (prepaid phones, etc.)is beyound what you can do. Oh, you can try to search her purse to see if she has a phone, etc., but that will lead to more fights and her finding other ways of contact and it does not get her attention "off" the OM...it causes her to focus more on OM. See what I mean? You want her to see the best side of you and to find you attractive. She will not see you attractive if you are acting like the police .

Now, I am not against finding out if the S is in an A, and what's going on. But, to continue to read her messages and spy on her at this point will hurt "you" more than it will her. Unless you have decided to bring her down over this EA and prove a PA to go to court over the kids, etc........then I think you need to back away for now and focus on your plan of DBing. I can talk more about this later.

Your W is cake eating when she goes with you & the kids to DQ, etc. She wants her EA fantasy (and it is the fantasy she is in love with) and she wants the best of her M, too. You need to stop giving her these little "family outings" and make it about you and the children and leave her out of it. For example, you could say, "Come on kids, lets go riding around" and when she asks where you are going, you are vague with your answers. You never, NEVER, lie to her but you just make it a bit mysterous. You say, "Oh,I don't know what all the kids & I may get into". Notice it did not include her. When or if she says she wants to go, you can say....well, I figured you would want some "space" but you are welcome to tag along". That's one example. If she doesn't want to go with you, then fine.....the kids will talk about how much fun they had with daddy.

You need to always have a backup plan for something to do that would keep you from being included in her plans for you. In other words, GAL. If she wants to go to somebody's BD party, say, "Oh, I've already made plans for that time", and when she asks what, you say, "I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in my activities", and you leave her standing there with her face hanging out.

Dan, you have to learn to stop talking so much with her. Stop "explaining" things (expecially what you do) and just give her a look, when she asks questions.\

I have to go to work,but I'll finish later.

[Steve McQueen]

I think someone said this was her ex-husband, but in fact he is her ex-boyfriend. In total she has only know this guy about 4 months. They dated for about 2 months before we were married, and they have been chatting/texting for about 2 months. It's a fantasy for her, this guy isn't real, it's some fairytale she's living.

doesnt matter who he is or what he is.

HE IS NOT YOU. and fantasys are the worst. they preoccupy your soul. please dont play it off as a fairy tale that will come to an end, some women dream of being the princess that is rescued by a knight in shining armor.

She talked to me some about what is going on and she told me how she is the type of person that when told what to do, she wants to do the opposite.

Boy you got it effing easy then! Tell her go to this other guy, live with him, love him, marry him. We are getting a divorce ASAP.

[Dan1977]

I have talked to my boss today about getting help. My company offers some assistance in the area of depression, marital problems, divorce etc...I really want to try this Divorce Busting Coaching though, heard several good things. I appreciate everyone's input and I'm really trying to put your thoughts into action. One day at a time...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dan, are you listening at all?

No, he's not.

Not much more I can do here.

Puppy

[sandi2]

Okay, have just a minute to continue what I started this morning. BTW, one of the example "answers" I gave you was not the best in the world when I said to tell her, "I sure you would not be interested in my activities". I was in a hurry when I was writing that, but I hope you can think of something better.

As I told you in your thread over in WAW, you will not change her and not to expect her to work at this R. So, that means she will not put forth anything positive in MC or any other C for your M problems. Trust me, she will use that opportunity to cast all of her complaints about you and the M. You can get help for yourself, but I don't think trying to get her to agree to MC is a good idea. She would not be in the right frame of mind and it would probably cause more damage than good at this point.

Your objective is to become the best man you can possibly be. Improve yourself, as I told you over in the other thread. Instead of keeping her mind on the OM by trying to shut off her communication and fighting over him.....(which just keeps OM the center of thoughts), you focus on you getting a personal life without her in it. Yes, it will be hard at first, but everyone I have read who did that will come back and say that they did not realize how they had become shut off to everything except their M until they started GAL again. It is good for you and it will be good for her to see you GAL, becoming a lot more of an interesting person, attractive, charming, strong, etc.

Speaking of being strong......you continue to show self-respect and you do not take disrespect from her. This is where "boundaries" come into play. You decide what you cannot live with. You think of what would be "consequences" if those boundaries were broken. If your W disrespects you, what would be the consequences of that particular action? That is for you to decide, and depending on what the insult was......would determine the consequences. It is just like you would do with your children. If they do not follow rules....they have to deal with consequences, depending on the age of child and the what they did. I know from experience when you have teenagers, you better instill some boundaries and you better enforce those consequences or you are doomed for a life of misery! Enforcement is most important or you might as well chunk the whole deal.

You are learning not to be her "pushover" and that is great! She will continue to test you, so never let your guard down. Be prepared at all times. Now, this is important......do not argue with her. You make a statement (if necessary) and then shut up. You either get busy at something and do not reply to her trying to cause an argument, or you just give her a look, or if it gets too bad you can leave for an hour or so. I like the statement I've heard Puppy use, "Do you know how unattractive you are when you act like this"? Then turn around and leave her standing there. The point is to break yourself from trying to "explain" yourself. That is what you keep doing.....and it doesn't work. I understand b/c I am that kind of person also....but the more you say, the worse it makes the situation.

Just as teenagers get "power" over you whenever they get you upset and fussing with them, so does a WAW. Whenever you lose your cool and get into an arugment.....you have given her your power over the situation. That is why it is so important to stay calm and do not get trapped into one of her scenes. She will try to pull you into that and then say, "See, that is why we need to get a D b/c we don't get along".

Without getting into a big explaination of how she is the one screwing up, just point out that this was her choice. She needs to see that she is losing her H and the family as it once was. She needs to get an idea of what life without you would be. She will try to make it appear that you are the one that messed up the M, but she needs to realize that "she" is making the "choice" to break it up. You do this with your behavior and not by preaching to her.

If she comes at you with angry words, then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way". Then turn away. If you don't know what to say then shrug your shoulders. I'm trying to get you to stop explaining your side of the stitch, b/c it doesn't save the M. She has her "case" already mapped out and she just wants to prove to you that it's over. See what I mean?

So, work at staying busy and going out. Be sure you look really good when you go out. Put on some new cologne. Act as if you are excited about going out. You may just go to the mall and walk around or something, but she will wonder why you look so good, smell good, and act happy.

[sandi2]

BTW, staying calm does not mean acting in a passive manner. Very strong men do not over-react, but neither do they behave in a passive way.

Some women hate passiveness in their H's so much that they will see just how far they can push him until he stands up to her and starts acting more of a "take charge" man.

I really think some men have being a nice guy mixed up with being passive. I know some of us use the term "nice guy" b/c a passive man usually acts nice to keep the peace. But, there is a difference and it may do you well to study about passiveness on the Internet.