It's weird he took the completely opposite stance - H said that the hurt feelings wouldn't be an issue if the "bigger issues" were resolved. He said we "make" them into bigger issues than they need to be.
For me it's the opposite, like you FReckle. Just the tone of voice, the irritation and the aggression, the choice of words can hurt. Those for me have created the issues - the fights, my depression, loneliness in the marriage. That is the root of the big issues. If the big issues are fighting, lack of sex, emotional withdrawal, etc, it's because of this hurt. And he says "we've had this conversation hundreds of times and it doesnt' go anywhere it's a distraction." I said, no we've had it hundreds of times because I haven't felt heard or like you take me seriously. I don't feel you have looked in the mirror at all but have continued to live in blame and projection."
I don't understand what "issues" he thinks will make the hurtful statements, tone of voice, etc go away - because he doesn't bring them up! I'm so confused.
I also brought up that I lived walking on eggshells ever since we were married and that we lost the ability to have deep conversations and more of this irritation and dismissal of my hurt feelings took place. I kept saying, this is the issue for me. And he continued to not hear it. I also brought up that he's been so angry and hurful since the separation and although he admitted he's misbehaved maybe 75% of the time, he said, he doesn't want to go over that now. It's inconsequential. So what. It's over. Move on to the mysterious "bigger issues".
And, against all desire to go in the other room and sit with him, I'm staying dim, straight into my room after rehearsal.
