Just catching up with your posts today. Yeah, this really sucks.
I'll tell you this; when I was served, W's lawyer set up court dates immediately. It was the same deal. There was a mandatory mediation date, and then the court date that followed. They sent you that stupid questionare too, right? We're both in CA buddy, I've been there. And I remember how it felt. And yes, I posted all about it back in August.
I was able to talk W into cancelling the state mediation and court dates, and in a months-long process talked her into a cooperative process. Originally it was going to be with both of our lawyers (who incidentally got along like a couple of - um - bad metaphors, that's the best I can do tonight), and then we decided to hire a mediator that worked for both of us.
I don't know man, it was really tricky, but if you think she'll listen at all, suggest hiring your own mediator instead of going through the courts. Tell her it will be less expensive and if you can work together, you won't be stuck with something that the judge decides.
From what I can tell from your posts, you guys are at least amicably talking, if I'm getting this right. Do you think she can see reason here?
Guys - the work thing - sheesh. The day after W asked for D, I went to my manager and asked for a reduction in job scope (I was managing a team of about 30 engineers in addition to project management responsibilities). At the time it was because one of W's main complaints was my work demands. So, we made that change, but still my job performance tanked. Like you guys are describing, I was distracted, useless, most days I had barely slept and could not concentrate. Happily, my managers were very supportive. We just went through performance reviews, and the general takeaway was, bad year dude, but we know why, no permanant career damage, you're back on track now, time to rebuild.
It's hard to give advice here because it is what it is. Having general high performace over my career, I came face to face with the fact that I have limitations. This situation just knocked me on my a$$, and that was that. So. 1) Talk to who you need to talk to at your job, know where you stand, hopefully you'll get the support you need; and 2) keep it together as much as you can, because (as GIMA told me) the alternative is not pretty.
SR, what else? Like I said, I'm in CA too. (And obviously, talk to your lawyer)
