still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[flowmom]

Wow, applying eyelashes! I am just not motivated enough . True about light lipcolour though!

[Lotus]

Hi Newmama,

You do sound like you are enjoying your life with or without H. That is the way it should be. I don't know if I would have liked those dishes at the french restaurant, though. I prefer those good old standards, french onion soup and chocolate mousse. Oh, and absinthe, I bought a bottle to taste it. Blech! Do you have a recipe for the mixed drink? Maybe there is some way to doctor it up!

[newmama]

Um, I have no clue what was in that cocktail but it did have some other alcohol in it! Like whiskey, bitters, and lemon...
didn't say it was delicious just strong!lol! I do like to experiment and try new foods - I highly recommend something like the asparagus salad! Asparagus tastes amazing with eggs-preferrably sunny side up or another way the yolk isn't fully cocked (I don't know much about eggs).

Today-not much to report. I did use the grill successfully to cook up some steak and chicken breasts. Well, it almost exploded when I lit it but the lid was on so it was okay.

I talked to WH about S' cold and how he wants to feed himself now and some other stuff, then ate, worked out for about an hour, showered, and came downstairs. WH was rocking S to sleep. We chatted about the gutters and the rain- he said he needs to clean them. (fine by me!)

Oh, I signed up with nutrisystem to give me a jump start on the last 20 pounds I have to lose. The food arrived today.

It sure would be terrific to be thin for summer-all those adorable sun dresses and skirts! (by the way I have sworn off shorts- I am 5'4", will never be skinny, only curvy, and have thunder thighs. Shorts suck on me. Luckily there are crop pants, capris, and skirts! So no more shorts except for working out I guess. No wait- I read on Avermont and Mindfull's thread that they have workout skorts/skirts now!)

I don't plan on staying on Nutrisystem for long, only a month, or 2 max. It was $250 after the discount for the promotion. You are supposed to add dairy and veggies to it. I got breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert for 28 days.

I feel a little silly doing it because instead of eating their breakfast bar, can eat a kashi bar for the same calories,protein and fiber. BUT their desserts all have extra fiber!

[Lotus]

I'll have to look for an absinthe recipe. They drink it with a sugar syrup, but that isn't enough to kill the bitterness. Nutrisystem sound like a good idea. I never can stick to a diet, but I have started exercising again, so I hope that will make a difference. I know about thunderthighs, but I wear shorts anyway.

[WhatNow]

I highly recommend something like the asparagus salad! Asparagus tastes amazing with eggs-preferrably sunny side up or another way the yolk isn't fully cocked (I don't know much about eggs).

I have never seen an egg fully cocked. or partially for that matter! I do love asparagus in my omlettes! With Emmanthaler cheese! Yummmmm. I'm gaining weight just reading today!!!

[newmama]

I have never seen an egg fully cocked.

lol!!! I laughed at your typo and thought what is she talking about- she only sees raw eggs and then saw MY typo! LMAO!

Lotus- wear those shorts- you were/are a dancer so I doubt you have thunder thighs, silly!Good job working out. Seriously I am already regretting buying the Nutrisytem because I KNOW how to lose weight. If you work out enough, avoid pigging out for a couple of weeks and then go to pigging out once per week, the weight comes off. Oh well, will have a positive attitude since I paid for it!!!!!

[newmama]

I caught a few minutes of the Dr. Phil show about THE CHEATING GENE (you know- you've heard about it-I personally think that not everyone who cheats has this gene!!!) but the 5 minutes that I happened to catch had one of the doctors on the panel said that the more time a man spends bonding with his baby and doing family things, the more oxytocin will be released. His desire for family will take over desire for sex with the OW.

[newmama]

At the end of WH's time today he said he wanted to discuss things and that he does want to move forward with "the paperwork."

He said something like he doesn't want to hurt me more than he has blah blah blah (don't remember) but that until I return to work he thinks the arrangement has been working well where he comes to the house to see S.

I said "no it hasn't." And proceeded to tell him that starting tomorrow, he needs to pick up and drop off S. He asked why, saying stuff like it's good for S to be here and that his commute will cut into his time with him. He said he understands if I don't want to see him.

I said that I need to do it in order to detach from him and that S needs to get used to his new life if this is the way it's going to be. I explained that I was willing to meet him in the parking lot closer to the freeway for the exchange and he said he was willing to come to the house. I said for the pick up part we should stick to the parking lot but for now we can try to have him drop S off at the house since he will most likely be asleep when he gets here and he can put him in his crib.

Then I added that I was willing to adjust S' bedtime because he will need a later bedtime anyway when he has to go to daycare and I return to work.

Then there was discussion about the visitation and I told him that since I was staying home, it is fine that he sees him as much as he has but once I return to work, it will be less since legally the baby gets to be with his mother more even in the maximum visitation schedule, based on the legal recommendations and that is based on development.

He looked a little worried but I assured him that it has always been one of my values that S gets to be with his dad as much as possible and that they are bonded now. But babies need their mothers since we grow the babies and that is nature. And that it is also important he has a close relationship with his mom because it will help him with his future relationships (I think this went over WH's head).

He said something like we can work that out and that it takes 4 months minimum for the divorce. He said something like let's figure this out later and I said "if you want to f-ing divorce me then just divorce me." He looked like he was waiting for me to go off but I didn't.

I got my laptop, searched for the document about parenting plans and the draft I made based on the law and sat next to him. He said "you've been thinking about this" kind of surprised. I said "I told you that I had made plans for my future."

Then I showed him and added that I wanted to stay in the houses for the next year and he can decide if he wants to sell and we can figure things out then. I pulled up my draft of the budget and my expenses and income and he said that he knew the mortgage was high and wanted to add more money (don't worry folks- this is legally figured). So I said thank you and we discussed that--his offer is generous and I will be in good shape.

Something about him taking care of the house came up and we agreed to draw up a rental agreement (HE would do the work) and I said he could still come around to work on it BUT needed to arrange it through me.

I told him that I appreciated his respectful attitude of not mentioning HER or bringing HER around me and that I would do the same- that we could schedule when he would be here so that he wouldn't have to see anybody. I suggested that maybe when he dropped S off on the weekends he could mow the lawn, etc.

Now all throughout he is crying and tearing up. I teared up a couple of times talking about seeing S and exchanging him. But otherwise I was in charge and in control and calm.

Before he left we drafted a visitation schedule that will start TOMORROW- I meet him around 5 to drop off S.
THEN I added-"by the way, you don't need to text me every day to check on how S slept." He said, choking up, "but that is how I feel more involved...I want to know how he is doing."

I was civil and didn't say anything more than "don't worry- you can trust that I will tell you if something comes up or there is a problem. Otherwise you can assume things are fine."
I did say it in a kind tone of voice, lol!

So he left and said see you tomorrow. I must say that he was surprised at how I handled things, and didn't see it coming when I wanted to change visitation.

I feel all over the place. I know I will be fine. I feel at peace 100% with how I handled things up until now and feel pretty good about how things went down during the discussion.'

One more thing- I did tell him that he will need to be in charge of all of the paperwork and take the lead.

[WhatNow]

(((((((((((((((((newmama)))))))))))))))))))

[Piano]

wow newmama! I am so impressed with how you handled all this! I am not surprised you feel all over the place - that was such a lot to deal with, but I totally agree you will be fine. Strengtharama!!

About the Dr Phil show and this: "one of the doctors on the panel said that the more time a man spends bonding with his baby and doing family things, the more oxytocin will be released. His desire for family will take over desire for sex with the OW."

In your sitch, your H is so bonded to your S already. Is oxytocin just a family related feel good hormone?As for my sitch, all I can say is: LET'S HOPE SO! Strong feelings today about wanting WAH at the birth....