I'm taking off my ring April 9

[AmyBel]

Thanks for weighing in Pearl. Enjoy your vacation!!!

Tonight we have couples therapy and I can't for the life of me think WHY I'm doing this...

Maybe because my eye problem is back and I'm thinking of my mother and my dissertation. But I have nothing to say to W other than "Keep your crazy out of my life. I've got things to do. Talk to you in June."

What can we possibly do with a therapist that could be productive for an hour at 4:30 today?

[AmyBel]

To answer my own question. I'm not sure it was worth an hour, but the therapist reminded both of us of the rule of relationships that work (any relationship, not necessarily marriage)
One person has some interruption of well-being
the other person notices
the second person tells the first person what s/he observed
and asks "what can I do to help" (and doesn't diagnose, fix, offer solutions, etc.)
the first person makes a request (and is able to figure out what s/he wants)
the second person is responsive.

What I love about this is two things. 1) the helper doesn't disempower the helpee. 2) the helpee has the room (and mandate) to figure out what s/he wants.

Both things I need to learn, and W needs to learn. Not just in the relationship we are (not really at the moment) having.

For what it is worth...

Next appointment to be at the end of May...

[AmyBel]

W's birthday is tuesday. Do I do anything? Perhaps just an e-mail saying "Happy Birthday"? Or a facebook post? (she's still friended on my professional facebook site, not my personal one.)

We are in trial separation while we figure out what we want to do next and being "not married" for this trial period.

If I knew the mailman's bday was today and I saw him I'd wish him happy bday...

[gucci loafer]

If I knew the mailman's bday was today and I saw him I'd wish him happy bday...

Yes, but if you didn't see the mailman today would you call him or send him a card?



Yes, sending an email is fine. The key is always no pressure.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think a brief "Happy Birthday! Hope it's special!" (or similar) e-mail is fine. Or maybe a Shoebox b-day card, with no note added, if you can get it to her WITHOUT PERSONAL CONTACT would be good too.

In fact, I think it's PREFERABLE if you can acknowledge the day (vs. no contact whatsoever), as it gives you an opportunity to do something that's MUCH LESS than what you would have done before.

What WOULD you have done before? What's your past history for b-days w/ each other?

Puppy

[AmyBel]

What WOULD you have done before? What's your past history for b-days w/ each other?

Puppy

I sent the e-mail. We usually alternate having a huge party on our bday (ours are 1 month apart) went out to dinner for mine. So... what I HAD planned was to take her to a broadway show last weekend, though she doesn't know this...

And NOW! the next question is... She wants to organize a local party for my graduation (I'm graduating from a school that is out of town in mid may). Apparently lots of friends and former colleagues are asking her when the party will be. Many of these are folks we cannot tell about the separation due to professional relationships. So... Not sure how to advise her. And I would like to have a local party, but don't think she should organize it for me. And I certainly don't have the energy to organize it myself.

Maybe call someone else who might be able to put it together for me?

[pearlharbr]

First of all, you can take ME to a Broadway show anytime! I'm dying to see Sondheim on Sondheim, A Little Night Music, A Behanding in Spokane and Promises, Promises; interested in The Addams Family and Lend Me A Tenor.

I would suggest having someone else organize the party. Do I remember that you have a sister in town? Or a BFF?

[AmyBel]

Thinking about the idea of gathering intelligence on the OW.

I really can't compete. The OW grew up with my W. She knew her mom (who died young). She has a son and wants another kid (I can't though am willing, but not enthusiastic, to adopt.) She has a lucrative, stable job (I'm changing careers to one that earns less.) She is not planning on moving any time soon (I have to move in order to get work in my new career.) and the kicker? I've never broken up with my W so there is no redemption in getting back together, the OW did break up with her 20 years ago...

Should I just carry forward toward my future as though W doesn't exist? (e.g. move closer to my Mom, move all my stuff, separate our finances, legally separate...) Even though W hasn't made that decision yet?

I'm thinking "yes" though it feels like it will be closing a door that is still open a crack... I can't imagine her deciding to get back together with me once I'm on the other side of the country... I'm not sure I can imagine mySELF trying to put things back together at that point...

[gucci loafer]

I really can't compete. The OW grew up with my W. She knew her mom (who died young). She has a son and wants another kid (I can't though am willing, but not enthusiastic, to adopt.) She has a lucrative, stable job (I'm changing careers to one that earns less.) She is not planning on moving any time soon (I have to move in order to get work in my new career.) and the kicker? I've never broken up with my W so there is no redemption in getting back together, the OW did break up with her 20 years ago...

Comparing ourselves to other people is the number one reason for low self esteem. None of those things you mentioned matter to them when someone loves you. Stop comparing yourself. It leads to nothing.


Don't move closer to your mother yet. It isn't wise to plan moving far away while in the middle of a crisis in your life.

[v1olin]

My b-day is on tuesday. You can wish me a happy b-day and I would appreciate it!