Exposure

[Piano]

Thanks Allen and Pup. I will email a thanks,and have the other line as backup in case WAH mentions it (he wont though - never does).

The contents of the email were along the lines of how selfish and cruel WAH is to have left a pregnant wife and how his continued actions are putting our health at risk --- ok, so nothing too shocking there.. it's just that is wasn't elegant and it was straight out character assasination.

I think I am worrying over nothing. Coddling WAH again.

What I do disagree with however is how the friend calls the A a "relationship" and instead of arguing to WAH that our M could be saved, says he could have waited until after the birth to separate from me. Ouch.

I think i should stop trying to control every little detail.

[Allen A]

HIt the WS about how crappy a father he's showing himself to be too... WS' always think they are only hurting the LBS and no one else.. which is BS

[Piano]

And if they tell everyone a lie that they aren't cheating, or that they were but they have stopped, you need to keep exposing and make sure the public knows the truth

Keep pushing the truth out there and you will stay OUT of the lie.

I like this idea of staying OUT of the lie. Finding out the truth about the continuing A has certainly pained me all over again, but clarity makes one feel much SANER!


I exposed to the common friend WAH has been bunking in with these last 5 monhts but I wonder if I did it "badly". I told him that housing my WAH who was continuing an affair under his roof was unacceptable & that to say "these things just happen" was lazy and uninformed.

I guess I have to be prepared to lose people over this.

[JacT]

As Pup and Allen have said in previous threads you certainly find out who your friends are when an A is exposed.My H had 'good living' people being very forth right and telling him what he had done was a disgrace and what made it worse was the person he had chosen to have A with.
I must say I dont think people can get any lower then they have an A and their wife is pregnant..so sorry you are going through this at a time you need your H at your side.
What you must also remember is your H will be giving his version of events which will of course be nothing close to the truth.
My h visited his F on Sat, his birthday and asked how his 2D's were first time in 7 months.
Shortly Piano, you will have a new little person to think about and trust me, you will find a strength you never thought you had...(((hugs)))

[lees]

I exposed to the common friend WAH has been bunking in with these last 5 monhts but I wonder if I did it "badly". I told him that housing my WAH who was continuing an affair under his roof was unacceptable & that to say "these things just happen" was lazy and uninformed.

I guess I have to be prepared to lose people over this.

Absolutely. I have lost several already, but feel better for it. I'm currently having trouble with myself over one remaining mutual friend, who just refuses to discuss the situation with the STBXW point blank. I struggle because the friend was very much there for me at my lowest moments in the last 3 months, when I sat and sobbed on the stairs holding our wedding pics and couldn't stop, when I felt suicidal, when I didn't have the energy or wherewithall to even get out of bed. She has continued to be there for me. She just also refuses to say anything to the STBXW, she has known her for years. So I'm finding it difficult with her to continue to enforce my "you're not for my marriage, you're not for me" idiom. She clearly disapproves of STBXW behaviour, and says so to me, but has insufficient spine to say it to STBXW.

I think it is maybe also in the back of my mind that if I cling onto any small hope for a resolution for my marriage, I need to leave at least one or two links in place. Apparently the STBXW ALWAYS asks about me when this friend visits. The friend always says "doing just fine!"

[Piano]

JacT and Lees, sorry to find us all in similar sitchs. I guess remembering what we can control and can't is important here i.e. good friends sticking their heads in the sand, and the lies that WAS's spew forth.

On this last point, I have another question.

I would like to send my friend, who is housing WAH, the "love as an excuse for infidelity' paper by Penny Tuppy.

I felt it would be educative and combat the 'these things just happen' statements. Would you consider it "pushy" if I fowarded it with an accompanying email which says something like "I respect your right to have your own views & hate mixing you up in all this. But out of respect for our friendshio and free exchange of ideas, I wanted to send you this article I came across on the web about love as an excuse for infidelity. I hope you find the time to read it and would be interested to know your thoughts'.

Acceptable?

[Allen A]

Educating people on the fence can work in your favour .. I just don't know about the wording...

"I came across on the web" sounds way to flighty.

You need to come down hard and certain that this affair is destructive behaviour. I am certain this guy can find something else on the web that says affairs are perfectly ok...

"I want you to understand how marital therapists deal with infidelity - they don't ignore it - they reccomend speaking up just as if the partner is drinking too much or gambling their life savings away... this paper is from a professional who deals with this every day - and I can find many more from other family therapists that will tell you the same thing"

That sounds more confident than "I found this on the web"

You can close with "I respect your right to an opinion, but I have a marriage to protect and its my responsability to ensure everyone's opinion is an INFORMED ONE."

I would like to discuss this further with you if you would like to know how you can help... I have left my number on the article, I won't pressure you further if you don't call it.

Please take the time to read if you can.

Thank you

[Marked&Healed]

[quote=Ja]Have you approached the OW at any time?

I sent her a facebook post and went to see OWH at work. It got me four voice mails, each one more desperate and more shrill than the last, trying to convince me that I'm insane and have low self esteem for staying with a monster, why don't I just leave him. And two facebook messages that said much of the same thing, that I needed counseling and to leave him since he's such a monster.

I didn't respond, knowing full well that she was hysterical over me contacting her, and if I replied to her, she would have thought she had the power. I'm sure in the beginning she tried to convince herself that she had power over me, and may to this day, but in reality, I know she obsesses over me and asks H about me and that suits me just fine.

If you can ignore OW's antics, and not be hurt by it, it can help stir the pot a bit... but know that they will believe you are crazy, try to make you seem that way, and will convince H that you're clingy, needy, unattractive, whatever. So, there's good and bad to consider.

[Marked&Healed]

[quote}

I argued something similar recently.. it didn't get received well.. its good to see someone who has some vision. :){/quote}
I'm not too sure about that Allen, I received it well. I laughed about it for quite some time, as I recall. Still makes me smile...

[Piano]

Thanks Allen, good advice.