Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

While I am glad you set some ground rules about money, her taking care of herself and a job search I have to say I am a bit surprised.

Bringing her a cake, flowers and a card was pursuit. She chose not to spend her b-day with you despite the fact you asked. She missed out and that is that.

There was no problem with a meeting about finances and child related issues but the b-day stuff along with cuddling and kissing was a big no no.

James, she took a call from the OM who she is in an EA with WHILE you were with her AND told OM she would call him back. That is beyond disrespectful and you should have firmly told her you were leaving as you have no intentions of sharing your W with anybody else on any level. Why on EARTH did you sit there while she told OM she would call him back then ASK about him?

It doesn't matter what she tells you. Cheaters lie and now your W is doing it right in front of your face. Unreal.

You pursued and got stomped on with no respect!

ok no more kissing and cuddling.

Yea I asked her earlier and said she was going to spend time with her family on her bday. We had plans set up to do something either thursday or saturday once I found out that Thursday her mother and sister were throwing her a party. Plus she babysat her twin nieces. Her sister works weird hours and called because no one would be there. It's gotten that way because out of WAW family she is the oldest. Her youngest sister is taking college courses and preparing to head off to school and is still doing her highschool activies too. She used to watch the twins. That's why she kept texting me to do something Saturday but I did not answer my phone due to N.C.

I pretty much know who E.A. O.M is. That's why it's not a big deal to me. It's her bestfriend from highschool. He is most definitely not interested in her or ANY WOMAN. LOL

The other person is her brother. The P.A. and her don't talk. I checked.

I've done consistently homework on this. Don't ask me how LOL.

I guess we both have been disrespectful in that aspect. I have texted and answered the phone in front of her. Matter of fact she said it was rude of me to do so. So I don't do that anymore.

The way her call was it happened right after her sister had called and she answered right away thinking it was her and told him she would call back. She sounded agitated and annoyed by the call.

She's been reconnecting with alot of her family. That is all that is on her FB. She has not been on the chatline in over a month. Her an E.A. O.M. do not hold long conversations. The longest has been maybe 20 mins

Now if she would have been talking to some guy holding like a 5 to 10 minute conversation it would have ended just like you stated. Either she would have been leaving or I would have been leaving. I just felt like him saying "hello" and her saying "let me call you back" and him stating "ok" and the call ending didn't warrant anything.

She did the same thing with her sister. She cut the call very short. probably about 3 mins.

I want the link to the infidelity stages though. Do you have it? I do think she's going through withdrawal from P.A. and the E.A.'s she was having earlier because she consistently talks on the phone to alot of her female friends and best friend.

Thank you for looking out for me! and your reply. I will most definitely not have the kissing or cuddling going on.

[james217]

Now that you seem to understand things in a more clear fashion it is VERY important you start making goals for yourself AND you stick to your boundaries. If she crosses the boundaries you must enforce them and whatever conseqences she feels are for her to deal with.

Specifically what will you do and how will you set and enforce boundaries? IMO it is important to create a very detailed list to act as your guide.

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I set a few boundaries yesterday. I’m going to read the boundaries thread to learn more. You wouldn’t happen to have the link would you maam? *smiles*


I am not sure I agree. She wasn't talking or seeing you because she was too busy with her affair(s). When that fizzled out she came back to you when she needed or wanted you. When her affair wiped her hotel room clean and stole her things she called you and you went running. I am not sure here calling you, having sex with you and needing you when it suits her is positive.

I am sure in her own way your W does still care for you. I am sure in his own twisted way my H still cares for me. But no, it isn't enough. My H did the same thing your W did... he showed up at the hospital when I was very ill and put on a big song and dance. The next day he told me he would NEVER turn his back on me again and then I never heard from him again. I wouldn't put too much stock in the hospital visit. When a human being experiences something like death, a major trauma or an illness it is in our nature to cling to something that signifies LIFE and nothing signifies LIFE like sex. I also think your W uses sex as a way to keep you hooked.


Yes I agree when I think about it. She did consistently call me a lot though. We would have 2 and 3 hour conversations even before the hotel clothes stealing incident.

I think the hotel incident really did shake her though. She is not used to seeing me that vulnerable. I’m supposed to be the strong person never in the hospital or sick. So yep I can see that. I can also see her getting her head out her butt too.

I help Very good realization. I think you need to create a very
specific list of goals and boundaries for YOU.


Working on the boundaries. I set a few yesterday.

Fear can really cause us to get stuck. But the way you "have" her now is not good and will not make it for the long term. And yes, she behaves this way because you allow it.
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.I don’t really have that fear or desperation anymore. I miss her but not the WAW her. Sometimes my W shows up but I miss the person she used to be.

She might change and she might not. But when you change enough (for real) you will begin to see her in a new light and you might see something you really don't like or desire anymore. This will take a LONG time no matter what the outcome and you will have to learn the art of patience.


I’ve just been doing some thinking. I am really disappointed with her. But I’m just trying to make it on my own and with the support of my family.

Exactly. She left the marriage so she has lost the privilege of having a partner to help her out.
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Well, you can't *make* anybody be responsible but at least you won't be constantly sucked in her drama and problems.

You are on the right track but I think you need to get very, very specific about what boundaries you plan to set, how you will enforce them and so on.

I think I started that process yesterday.

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Yep I’m working on setting boundaries and goals. I set some yesterday. Let’s see if she thinks I’m serious. I think she does. I also think she’s starting to wake up from whatever little fog she’s in because she keeps stating how lonely she is and how she misses her family and how alot of these so called friends she have really don't care about her or matter and she needs to focus on what's important. I don't know what that means but we'll see
s

[james217]

Citygirl I will ask you this. Does the pain ever stop? Does it get any easier?

When we talked yesterday after she got off the phone with s10. We were just talking both were like stating how stupid all of this is.

She really did not understand how much the boys missed her. How much of an impact she has had in their lives.

This is probably the hardest thing ive had to do. *sighs*

well in about 14 hours ill officially be a working man again.

[james217]

to all those who have been in my corner and rooting for me?

I really need a pick me up. I just feel so lonely. I miss my kids. My W I miss our life. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. Sometimes I think the pain is lesending but then I just feel like that all over again. I don't think i'm healing. I should be happy. But I'm not. I wish I was stronger. Tommorrow I start a new job and i'm not even happy?

I really miss the kids. I feel so empty inside. I hope I can hold it together at work tommorrow.

[DaddyLongShanks]

james217,

Just remember. Your wife situation is pretty far gone, but you have support. your best chance is her getting out of her environment and not really wanting to communicate with it. Plus she has to come with you.

Right now, any work you do with her will be reversed by her environment, as they put their attitude and opinion in her head. Its not compatible with a long term relationship like you.

Keep your head up and find some fun stuff for you to do. Also in your current situation you can still see your kids. She can't really hold them from you.

There is a structured way to do it. Look up "shared custody" laws in your state. It will be best to sit with an attourney and let him tell you what the deal is. The premise of "shared custody" is you can legally have 50% custody of your children and cannot be stopped unless there is neglect or abuse.

Also to keep your spirits up. GAL hard and do some things which are fun for you. Be around females, I know you don't want to date, but be somewhere they can see you and you can see them. It helps your attitude. Have a lot of fun while you wait for this storm to pass.

[james217]

Thanks for the reply dls.

I'm at work on lunch. I can actually say that W word again lol.

I'm just trying to take my life one day at a time

[james217]

Citygirl. I think you may be right again. I don't think I can do anything nice even for SD8. She keeps trying to take advantage of me. She just texted me about me paying the phone bill so she can get her hair done. This is after I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on SD8 and have helped her out several times.

She does not get to have her H AND NOT BE IN THE M. I told her I would help with her meds and transportation.

Why can't she ask anyone else for money?

I don't know what is going on with her. She never used to be so vain or materialistic.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on SD8 and on things I needed and things she didn't take care of. I'm not a freaking atm.

Now she's pouting and will probably go do it and I'll have to pay the entire phone bill.

What is wrong with this woman. She says she's getting it done for me this weekend but I don't really care about that.

shakes his head.

at times i recognize her and other times she's a total stranger. Maybe she has hit MLC because she never ever ever used to be this way.

You have no job. You don't go anywhere and you just want to look like a supermodel on the streets?

Since SIL AND MIL do it she feels the need to try to keep up with them. This is silly. Then when you can't catch the bus to get to where you want to go or run low on meds i'm supposed to take care of all of that too?

[CityGirl]

Wife: I made it very clear I would provide funds for your medication and bus fare only. Any further expenses you have will need to be funded by you. End of discussion.

Set boundaries and enforce them.

No excuses. No explanations. No background info needed.

Also, how will she be held accountable for her job search?

[CityGirl]

If she does not pay her portion of the phone then remove her from the plan. Period. No excuses or conversation.

[james217]

Wife: I made it very clear I would provide funds for your medication and bus fare only. Any further expenses you have will need to be funded by you. End of discussion.

Set boundaries and enforce them.

No excuses. No explanations. No background info needed.

Also, how will she be held accountable for her job search?

I"m not paying for it. She said I stated I would help her. I stated yes with necessities such as your meds, bus fare, and food and hygeine is a maybe. but not luxuries such as your hair. If you get a job I possibly help with a few clothes so you can work until you get your first check . But nothing else. No hair, no large sums of cash, etc etc.

i set the boundary and you know what? it actually worked. No temper tantrum. NO fit. She said she will pay the phone bill and get a less expensive hair style that she will pay for because she has a job interview on Thursday.

she also stated that she wants to take me out on my bday. it's in two more weeks.

we are both tauruses (yes i know what you're going to say lol)

City Girl you're a genius. LOL