How about when her H comes home, he finds his stuff packed at the front door with a recorder on top with the note "Play Me" on it. Then it would play the sex part.
This way pass isn't pulled into a R talk and it centers around the A only.
I don't see the point. Putting his bags at the front door just gives passenger's H a good reason to say that passenger ended it and kicked him out- ergo, relieving him of the bad guy label coz 'she made the decision',. Also, why give her H the recording? He knows she knows what's going on - I am convinced of it. I am convinced he doesn't care. He is laying the groundwork for the M to fail and it to look like it is passenger's fault. If she is going to use that intel it has to go way beyond her H. I think your first idea of playing it to OW's H was the best one IF exposure is still a route passenger wants to pursue.
I am just not convinced it IS a path passenger wants to follow, and to pressure her to do something she doesn't feel comfortable with, or ready to do, would just be plain wrong; it is she that has to live with the consequences.
The way passenger swings back and forth shows that she really has no idea of which direction she wants to take. She needs more time and that is her perogative.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree Saffie.If it had been me, he would have been out long ago and I am living with the consequences of throwing my H out.Pass needs to be sure its what she wants or at least is strong enough to deal with the consequences of which there will be plenty given this guys behaviour in the past.I believe in this sitch as long as Pass integrity is intact and she feels she has tried all she can to save the M at this pont, then its the best place to be at this time....
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Well it's a matter of doing something different. She already confronted him and set a boundary which he pretty much walked all over. He acts like a child with no boundaries and almost seems to dare her to do something by carrying on his A. I'm sure he knows that she knows. To him it's like a game.
Honestly, I think if she does that, and does it with confidence and not anger. She'll shake him up a little. Besides he can't go to the OW's home because she's still "working on" her M. I would give the info to the OW's H at the very least. YOu really don't know that he won't do anything unless you try.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am with Saffie on this one... giving away your hand and telling this guy everything you have and giving him an excuse to run is playing right into his hands.
Challenge him I say.. Stick close to family and his kids and just talk like he's still cheating... don't tell him anything that you know.. just engage in conversation as if you know... and focus getting your own life in order... do NOT support his kids.. leave responsability for him to deal with...
Protect yourself.. that is number ONE on the to DO list.
Exposing to his kids may shake him up a bit... and putting OWH in the loop too... but confronting H? Nope, just IGNORE him and work around him I say...
I'm still not sure if exposing to OWH will do anything, and I don't want to give away my hand. H almost asked me last night how I knew what and where he was, but he stopped himself. He knows I know and he is really bothered by it... it's eating him up. He made it clear what he had on his mind by the few words he let slip out. Still praying about this and what I should do. I think if I tell him, without proof, she'll just say I'm trying to pull them into high school games - like her soap opera reference earlier on FB. (Yeah, like I'm the one trying out for a high school soap opera... LOL) If I do it with proof, he'll tell her what I have and she'll tell H, and that will be that. I'm not ready to do that. I'm not even sure that OWH is not a cuckold as Puppy suggested, he may just not care enough to do anything even if she was having sex in front of him. Remember he caught her making out with a man in the basement of a party he was at and all he wanted from her in return was a text when she stayed out all night in the future... duh... the man is nice, but naive for sure.
I'm still so unsure of what *I* want, that I'm just going to hold on to the intel for now - at least my suspicions were confirmed - that's all I needed really. I was vacillating in my last posts b/c it hurt. I expected it but I guess I was hoping he was being honest. He was just so darned earnest that I wanted to believe him. It was a good lesson for me. H is capable of going to any length to cover and lie... just like any addict. (And Saffie, I'm withholding a lot from MIL/FIL now, but I have told them that the big things I will tell them. They needed to know that H was lying to them still, and they can choose to do what they will with the knowledge. They still support me, and FIL is getting fed up. MIL is hurt, as any mother would be. The day to day bs I don't tell them about.)
As for packing his bags, it's too much turmoil for the kids, I'm not making any moves in that direction. DSD is going to my friends house from Wed through Fri to get away from it all, she's fed up with H and wants to be around my friend's children D2 and S5. She loves playing with the kids.
H is still not totally decided on D - as evidenced by his almost constant threats of "I decided I want a D now." - He's said it more times than I can count, as if it weren't already decided. He's using it for control as he thinks it is his best and biggest card to play when I'm not being a good girl and falling in lock step with what he commands me to do, and also repeating it like he's trying to convince himself. He's not ready to do it yet, he's not ready to leave, he doesn't know where he would go and what he would do... and if he files, he pays. I'm not leaving the house, it's in my name and I have told him that I will keep the dogs and the house. What he doesn't know is that at least one, maybe two of the kids will stay with me as well.
I changed my direct deposit today. Next check will go into my individual account. Child support stops there. If he leaves and kids stay with me, he pays me child support just like I was their real mom... I've promised the kids the following: If they have an appointment they need to keep or a ride they need, they need to ask their dad. If he doesn't show up, I will make myself available. DSS15 knows dad is unreliable and has arranged for a ride for his Mon night activity from a friend. I won't make them suffer, even though in a way, H is getting the benefit from me catching him when he falls. If these kids weren't already distraught over what their mom just pulled on them, I'd be more likely to leave them to H's hands... but they're destroyed already, no sense in taking away the one adult in their lives that is reliable. I need to provide some stability.
On a different note, the twin's 16th bday is next Monday and H has not planned or mentioned ANYTHING about it yet. Sigh, DSD has been planning it for a year, it's a big deal to her. DSS just wants to go to a few movies with friends. I'll just give him some money and I get cheap tickets at work, and he can go treat his friends at the food court and a movie.
Oh, one more thing - I finally have a boundary to lay down. I am NOT taking this any more.
I'm at work now, and it's the one time in the month each month that I have to work 16 hour days for three days. H woke me at 11 PM last night to ask for his passport, which he found under his seat (and then blamed me for putting it there) - I told him I was sleeping and he got really angry with me. Wanted me to get up NOW and go to his truck so he could show me how he "knew" that I had taken his passport.
I'm going to tell him that I do not appreciate his pulling my fuses or waking me when I am dead asleep. My boundary is that when I am sleeping or on the way to drive the children somewhere, I will not be taken hostage any more. If he ever pulls the fuse trick again, I will call the police and if he wakes me at night again, I will install a deadbolt on the bedroom door. This is bs and I'm exhausted today from lack of sleep and having a very hard time concentrating. I keep coming on here just so that I can rest my mind for a second from the work I'm trying to get done... and that's saying something when being on here is restful compared to what I'm trying to do. LOL.
Uh oh... sounds like he's really putting you through teh ringer.
I went through the same... Just had to get away from the drama
1. Addicts are always late 2. Addicts are always failing thier day to day repsonsabilities 3. Addicts are disorganized and lose things all the time 4. Addicts always want to blame someone else for 1 - 3 above. lol
I had to get away from it too... I doubt the lock will work he will just pound on the door... Been there too
Yeah, he's failing all right. Pup made me remember he's an addict earlier and I've been feeling pretty much better since then.
I recall my xBF who was a drug addict once holding me hostage in the midst of his high. He had me in a room and physically held me down whenever I tried to leave. I just waited for him to pass out. He actually finally had to go pee and somehow didn't connect that I would get up and leave. It was weird, but H is reminding me of this behavior. The other thing xBF would frequently do is threaten suicide and then try to get me to come over. I would often not respond unless it sounded from his voice like he had really taken something. Then I would send an ambulance but not go over. I'm not a drama queen, I can't stand it. Hope H doesn't start pulling that crap on me when/if he goes through withdrawal.
Anyway, I'm going to work from home for the rest of the night. I need to sleep soon, it's 8:30 and I'm getting nothing done, can't concentrate. DSD called to say H took off - probably went to the apartment where he left the back door unlocked (I locked it since then) - come to think of it, perhaps I'll go get my work clothes and then go stay with MIL tonight. LOL.
Nah, he's probably meeting OW - Monday was one of their nights to "picnic" together. (which consisted of sitting on the wood floors of our empty apartment, drinking beer/alcohol, eating take out that she paid for and having sex - pretty classy)
No one to my mind is suggesting exposure will in and of itself END an AFFAIR..it DOES change yoru spouse's behaviour and stir up the pot... It brings reality to bear on it and does damage... you have to keep hitting it HARD... one exposure with no follow up won't make much impact no... but it is a proven strategy that does make an impact.
I bet if Pass exposed to his own kids it would stir things up even more...
He wants everyone to think he's an HONEST GUY... she exposes that and HE changes his behavior... it DOES make a difference.
The EXPOSURE isn't enough.. YOU need MORE exposure and follow through to ensure he's being honest... he DOES care about his image..he's made that qutie clear by HIDING the affair.
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I'm telling you, go back and read my old threads. That is NOT always true. I did all that you say and then some. He was done and it did not matter what I or anyone else thought. My XH was in management in his job, he was an extremely proud man. He NEVER EVER admitted to anyone of anything. BUT he did not stop it either. He continued hiding the affair (or at least in his eyes they were hiding, EVERYONE knew) until after I filed for D.
The only thing this did for me an my sitch is cause me far more greif than I needed or deserved. It about drove me crazy trying to get him to own up to what he was doing.
Last edited by old theotherhalf; 04/27/1001:13 AM.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
