CL, I am happy to read the last sentence, more presence is crucial for your well being whatever the outcome.
You need to respect,value and like yourself enough to be able to (maybe demand is too strong a word for you) but at least expect to be treated in the same fashion. Also to know that whatever happens you will be fine and go on to lead a rich and fulfilling life, life is never stress free but it doesn't have to feel like every day is an uphill struggle full of angst.
I know my m ended in D but I can honestly say that for most of our shared life tog, well over 40 years from teen years I was happy and felt loved and cherished. I am truly grateful for that and feel blessed to have had that life.
I am glad you spoke the words to her in person first. Life does not have to be so hard,it isn't meant to be. Your partner should be there for you, loving and supporting you,enriching your life as you do for them. Yes it has ups and downs but far more ups than downs. Sometimes we have to find an inner strength we never thought we had to overcome obstacles whether they be real or imagined-fear of the unknown or change can be crippling, but not as much as a life long habit of keeping the peace or sweeping things under the preverbial rug.
I know my dog is an excellent judge of character he loves me,as yours does you,so I know you can find that inner strength. I believe that God wants us to shine for him,to reflect his glory in both the big and small things we do each day. To stand up and be counted on ocassions. " For evil to prosper,it takes the good to do nothing" I hope the reply is what you need to hear and are followed by actions.
Naej, I feel prepared to deal with this latest crisis. I feel more prepared than ever before. I'm not afraid of D. I would be fine, and would have no trouble finding a dance partner or girlfriend (or so I think).
When I say I want to be consistent with my spiritual beliefs, I mean that every word and action come from a place of love. This is very difficult, but what I'm striving for. I either want a reconciliation or an amicable D.
I'm going to dig my heels in and not backpedal, even when she's emotional, defensive, or irrational. It's going to take my leadership to move us forward. I have this intuition that the time is ripe for us to move forward. If it's going to happen, it's going to be soon. I think we're both close to a place where we can face the issues. We'll see if I'm right.
We've been emailing back and forth today. She was upset that I didn't go out to dinner last night with her. Her lack of empathy is astounding. I sent several emails. Two of them were boundary-setting letting her know that her dance partner and the Saturday night person are not welcome in the home when I'm there. Her dance partner has a long pattern of disrespect, and it's time I let her and he know my opinion about him. I also let my W know my general mental state, and that I am upset.
She's going to avoid spending the evening with me, and will go out to her Monday night social group, and dancing afterwards. I told her that I still am looking forward to our Hustle classes this week. I hope she hangs in there with it.
I will wait for a response to my initial email about moving the R forward. I know email seems passive, but for us, who are avoidant, it's a step in the right direction.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 04/26/1008:46 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I feel prepared to deal with this latest crisis. I feel more prepared than ever before. I'm not afraid of D. I would be fine, and would have no trouble finding a dance partner or girlfriend (or so I think).
When I say I want to be consistent with my spiritual beliefs, I mean that every word and action come from a place of love. This is very difficult, but what I'm striving for. I either want a reconciliation or an amicable D.
Ok Cl you are doing well here so far
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
I'm going to dig my heels in and not backpedal, even when she's emotional, defensive, or irrational. It's going to take my leadership to move us forward. I have this intuition that the time is ripe for us to move forward. If it's going to happen, it's going to be soon. I think we're both close to a place where we can face the issues. We'll see if I'm right.
This is still ok
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
We've been emailing back and forth today. She was upset that I didn't go out to dinner last night with her. Her lack of empathy is astounding. I sent several emails. Two of them were boundary-setting letting her know that her dance partner and the Saturday night person are not welcome in the home when I'm there. Her dance partner has a long pattern of disrespect, and it's time I let her and he know my opinion about him. I also let my W know my general mental state, and that I am upset.
You lost it here buddy... boundary setting and then saying “letting her know that her dance partner and the Saturday night person are not welcome in the home when I'm there”
CL what is wrong with you? He was NOT just her “dance partner” you should be saying “the AXXhole that was here the other night is not welcome back EVER AND if I ever see him again he will know why..”
You know we go way back and I can really relate to 90 % of what you say but buddy….. I don’t care if your wife was drunk. And the AXX was taking advantage of her. This was totally wrong. Did she even try to apologize? I do hope that this is the catalyst that gets you going buddy...after something like that and THEN “will go out to her Monday night social group, and dancing afterwards” WTF after something like that happens and then it is business as usual? I am sorry for this big guy but I hate to see people like you and myself so disrespected. Take time to think and don’t do something irrational but Things cannot be “business as usual” YES we do need to keep the positives in mind but….just because OJ Simpson was a great football player (positive) does not mean we over look he murdered his wife…
Take care buddy.. I wish the PM part of this board worked..you and I really need to talk..
Doc
Last edited by Dr LOve; 04/27/1002:47 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi CL, I withdrew the comments from my previous post because on reflection I thought the tone of the post was very harsh. However after reading Docs post I just thought I would repost the last comment it contained.
“Thanks for posting. Your reaction is a reality check for me." I don’t think it is.
“and heard what I thought were moans.... and I noticed my W in a robe and her pants on the floor. This should be the real reality check”.
Hey CL, I was attracted here when I saw my old friend Lan post. I do not have much time this morning to go to far back in history. What I did read stunned me and unfortunatelly took me back a couple of years. We all put up with "stuff". Some worse than others. I have learned not to judge folks and always try to put myself in their shoes. You see i knew my XW was cheating, Not in OUR house but what does it matter? At the end of the day it is only geography. What does matter a great deal is how you respond. Not only for yourself but the marriage or relationship. For yourself, you should have kicked her and him out of the house (robe and pants on the floor AND moaning)... Strangely enough this may have helped your marriage as well. When a person is willing to so blatantly disrespect you, no amount of talk or e-mails will get to them....she is in lala land and you sir need to make a major move. There you go...I do not want to go into my history because it really does not matter. Let me just say that I know how you feel ..... get out of there or Kick her out.
Doc, Lanzo, John, Naej, and DB Friends, My W and I talked this morning. She kicked me out the bedroom last night. She complained that she wants to get out and explore the city more, and I don't (not true). She complained that I don't know how to swim, and it prevents us from having water adventures on vacation. She's tired of planning vacations and wants me to take over the job. She complained about the house not being kept up to cleaning standards.
I hung in there this morning and wrestled the conversation with her. I listened to her concerns, and disagreed when I thought she was wrong. I told her that she can ask me to change, but that she needs to walk her talk and make needed changes also. I didn't go into them at the time (mainly health-related, and boundaries).
In an email she complained that she doesn't get enough affection, that I'm trying to control who her guests are, that she doesn't have enough space in the house. She wrote that she has a lot to think about (threatening to leave).
She wants her dance friend to watch our dog while on vacation. I told her I don't want to associate with him.
A problem is we have a commitment to the Hustle Team and this studio. I don't want to break this commitment, and drop out so late in the process.
I'm getting mixed messages from my W. She complains so loudly, but yet wants to spend time with me. I went out to dinner with her last night to keep her company.
She says that my emails stressed her out.
Lanzo says that the incident Saturday night is a reality check. I agree. I will change my approach, but will probably fall short of the degree of boundary making needed. I'm new at this, so will probably fall short of what's needed at first.
Increased presence and boundary making seem to be what's called for at this time. I'm not sure what to do about her requests for companionship. We seem fine as friends/companions but struggle as husband and wife.
I'm afraid to stop being a companion and experience the level of unbalance and turbulence it would cause. I'm like the boy trying to keep his finger in the dike. The odd thing is I'm not afraid of D, or being single, and think my life would be enriched and more peaceful without her. I'm not afraid of her anymore, but am afraid of the level of unpleasantness if would create if I took strong measures.
Even if I don't take drastic action, I think things will move forward towards reconciliation or separation. I have changed over the years and past months, and will approach this differently, even if I'm only partially effective.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
A problem is we have a commitment to the Hustle Team and this studio. I don't want to break this commitment, and drop out so late in the process.
You are afraid of upsetting the apple cart and afraid to disappoint other people.
I will change my approach, but will probably fall short of the degree of boundary making needed. I'm new at this, so will probably fall short of what's needed at first.
You are already assuming you can't enforce proper boundaries. Are you afraid of pushing her away despite saying otherwise?
I'm afraid to stop being a companion and experience the level of unbalance and turbulence it would cause. I'm like the boy trying to keep his finger in the dike. The odd thing is I'm not afraid of D, or being single, and think my life would be enriched and more peaceful without her. I'm not afraid of her anymore, but am afraid of the level of unpleasantness if would create if I took strong measures.
Coming from someone who knows and has done the same, it seems you are aproaching all of this with a high level of fear/anxiety about how real change will disrupt your percieved handle on things in your life. That fear seems to be keeping you from taking the actions that, counterintuitive to you or not, would most likely give you the best shot at turning this around...CL
I'm going to have to come to grips with my fear over physical intimacy. I think I'm afraid of "failure." It's such a charged issue. My fear is that if the initial encounter doesn't go well, she will take it as personal rejection. Maybe I will know when the time is right.
CL
CL, are you able to talk to your wife about this fear? Is there any way to work on physical intimacy together?
